FAM Monthly Newsletter

Conversation or Lecture?

By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Parent's point of view: "Yes, we had a conversation about drugs."

Child's point of view: "He lectured me about drugs for fifteen minutes."

Parent's point of view: "We have talked about sex several times."

Child's point of view: "I had to sit and listen to my mom warn me about sex again."

Parent's point of view: "I told her I wanted to talk with her about her report card."

Child's point of view: "My dad spent twenty minutes telling me about my report card."

Initiating and facilitating conversations with children is important. Having a discussion around the dinner table with the entire family can be bonding and informative. Chatting with one child about a specific situation can prevent problems from occurring or lead to solutions to be implemented later. Your job as a parent is to lead those discussions in a way that is productive, inclusive, and emotionally healthy for all involved.

What about your communication style? Do your verbal skills encourage conversation? Or could you be communicating in a way that feels like useful dialog to you but comes across as a lecture to the child?

Telling and listening are not the same. There are major differences between a lecture and a conversation. Following are ten ways to determine if you are really engaged in a meaningful conversation or in one that only feels like a conversation to you.

Check your body position. Is it open and ready for receiving? Are you sitting across from the child with a slightly forward lean? Are you giving eye contact? Think of a baseball catcher. He's looking at the pitcher, facing him directly, holding out his glove. His entire body communicates, "I'm ready to receive. It's your turn. Throw the ball." If you're standing above the child you're assuming a telling stance that communicates, "Big me, little you."
Are you fully present? It is not possible to have a meaningful conversation while you multitask. Stop folding the laundry. Stop doing dishes. Turn off the TV. Eliminate all distractions. If this conversation is important to you, make it ALL that you do during its duration.
Set your intention to understand. Go into the conversation with the goal of understanding the other's point of view. If your goal is to get your points across, you will be more likely to slip into lecture mode. Go first for understanding. Your input will be best received once the child feels understood.
Are you listening as much or more than talking? Think "brevity" as you speak. Keep your input short and to the point. Rambling on is perceived as lecturing, and others are likely to tune out. Remember, you have two ears and one mouth. Use your ears and mouth in that proportion.
Ask questions. Questions will help you find out what the child is feeling, thinking, and saying. "How did you decide to do that?" "How did that work for you?" "What did that feel like?" Ask in an inquisitive, wanting-to-understand manner. Too many rapid-fire questions can feel to the child like being put on the witness stand and interrogated.
When you're talking, are you using the same tone with your children as the one you would want others to use with you? A sharp and biting tone does not encourage communication. Usually people who are talked to that way shut down. They say less. They sit quietly, pretending that they're listening and hoping the lecture will end quickly.
Does your speech include invitational phrases? "Say some more" invites the child to keep talking. So does "Go on," "Keep talking," and "What else?" Using invitational phrases doesn't mean you have nothing to say. It doesn't mean that you don't want a turn. It means that you are willing to delay your response until the child has finished. It means that you are more interested in having a conversation than in telling what you think is important.
Have you included everyone in the conversation? Are all family members getting an opportunity to speak? One of your jobs is to invite others to talk. "We haven't heard from Mauricio yet. Do you have any ideas on this, son?" "I heard Madison get interrupted a couple of times. I would like to hear her thoughts."
Do you wonder aloud? "I wonder what would have happened if you had said . . .," "I wonder what her reaction would have been if . . . ." "I wonder" questions replace should and should have. Should and should have are conversation enders. They are a signal that you're heading down the lecture road. They communicate, "I know what is right for you and you don't." They stifle respect, listening, and communication.
Are you watching for body language clues from your child? If so, what are those clues telling you? If their eyes are glazed over, they may be signaling you to cut the lecture because they are no longer there. Are their eyebrows raised? Are their eyes rolling? Are they looking away? They may be telling you they have heard this all before. If you get negative body language, stop doing whatever it is that you're doing and implement one of the other suggestions in this article.

The ideas above aren't intended to stop you from telling your children what you want them to know, communicating your family values, or giving them necessary information to ensure their health or safety. They are an effort to help you give a conversational flavor to those discussions to increase the possibility that what you do tell your children will have the greatest chance of being heard.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of Parent Talk Essentials. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free Uncommon Parenting blog. To obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their website today:

www.uncommon-parenting.com.

~reprinted with permission from the authors