I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford
one, so, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

       You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people who avoided me just didn't like me.

      I've come to realize that the secret to a happy life is not looking
like Barbie or Ken and suffering through tofu and rice cakes to stay that
way. It's eating chocolate, staying chunky and explaining that you're really
a perfect size 6, but you keep it covered with fat so it doesn't get
scratched.

       I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh,
have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for Visitors."

       Employment applications always ask 'who is to be notified in
case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

      Just once, when someone says "How are you?" (without really wanting
to know), I'd like to say "Well, I can't keep my teeth in, I pee on myself
every time I laugh, my hair is falling out, I cannot see where the heck
I'm going most of the time, my back hurts and I pass gas every time I sneeze (and feel like sneezing right now)!