|
CRAFT CORNER:
Love the Hive. I Do!
scene analysis/discussion
by
Jim Mercurio
Love the Hive won third place in the 2011 Champion Screenwriting Competition. It is the first screenplay by Derek Cavens. It is a coming-of-age drama about a sensitive high school senior, Danny, described in the script as a beta-male, who falls for a sexy chaos-junkie, Natalie. She is a rabble-rousing risk-taker whose rebellion involves various sorts of destruction.
We learn quickly that Danny is allergic to bees and she is allergic to alcohol. Just like the title suggests, the story involves Danny's literal and figurative romance with what is most dangerous to him: Natalie and bees. Danny does need to face his dark side and learn to live with fear but he will have to decide whether Natalie represents a path to manhood or a dead end of self-destructive energy.
I am not going to give away the ending but that doesn't mean we can't look at some of the middle. There is a moment from Love the Hive I haven't been able to shake off for the past six months even as I read another 200 scripts. It is a powerful scene where Natalie toys with Danny with her dark siren call.
Beyond the boldness, what I love about this scene is how organically it sprouts from character and concept. You may have heard me discuss how character and structure are the same thing, but if that ever seemed like theoretical fluff, scenes like this become the concrete proof.
Let's jump in.
Natalie surprises Danny by inviting him to a costume party. We will start with Danny and his mother Karen, who hasn't met her yet, waiting for Natalie to come and pick him up.
INT. BOWDEN LIVING ROOM - DAY
Danny, dressed as a cowboy, sits on the couch beside Karen, watching TV. On the screen a blond girl WEEPS HYSTERICALLY.
NARRATOR
Tammy never thought this could
happen to her. She thought only bad
girls got pregnant.
The girl's heaving, tear-streaked face fills the screen.
DANNY
Great flick, Mom.
KAREN
Don't give me that. This happens.
Are you saying that tonight no kids
will risk putting themselves in
this situation?
Note: Establishes a potential danger in dating albeit a more common and less interesting one than the one the character will soon encounter. It's good to give a nod to the "unbroken" cliches and expectations you are going to eventually break.
The DOORBELL RINGS. He lunges for the remote.
KAREN (CONT'D)
You wait.
He grudgingly stays, listening to her cross the hall. The front door opens.
Silence.
Karen returns looking unhappy.
Note: This is great foreshadowing that there will be a surprise. I was talking to Derek about this. Her being unhappy here would be strengthened if she walked out of the room happy. Ponder lulling her and us into a state of non-worry.
Natalie follows, provocatively grinning. Her hair dyed neon yellow, she wears a tight yellow-and-black striped bee costume with a gauzy tu-tu and matching silken wings.
NATALIE
Hey, cowboy.
DANNY
Hey.
Karen steps protectively between them.
KAREN
Now where did you two meet?
NATALIE
At that allergy thing.
Note: Might cut these last two lines. I think we all already know this. In place of them, consider Danny's reaction to one of the following: the costume, Karen's blocking or her eventual glare.
A definite SILENCE.
KAREN
That's quite a costume.
NATALIE
I think bees are fascinating.
Karen glares at Danny.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
Well, we should get going. Nice
to meet you.
Note: Any advantage to giving the first half of the line to Danny?
As they start for the door, he gives his mom a tiny wave.
KAREN
Midnight, Danny.
INT. NATALIE'S IMPALA - MOMENTS LATER
Taking their seats, both stare out the front window.
NATALIE
Your mom's super nice. I thought
she was gonna deck me.
DANNY
Yeah, you have a way with people.
Note: He is smart enough to know the bee getup is part of her rabble-rousing. He could be more specific or reference the costume. (Could his comment set up the upcoming "Queen Bee" reference?)
She starts the car and they're engulfed in deafening PUNK ROCK MUSIC. She pulls ahead, paying him no mind.
After a few blocks, he tries to YELL over the MUSIC. She sighs, annoyed, but lowers the volume.
DANNY (CONT'D)
Where we going?
NATALIE
A surprise. Here.
She reaches under the seat for a bottle: CANADIAN CLUB. He starts to object but her superior smirk stops him cold.
He pops the seal, takes a swig and COUGHS, nearly spitting up whiskey. She grabs the bottle and takes a swig.
Note: Cool foreshadowing. Notice that her recklessness is linked to each of their allergies. It's really specific. This moment is also a smaller version of the story's overall dramatic question... how far can she lure him toward "the dark" side.
DANNY
Your costume...
NATALIE
Alright, don't ruin it for me.
JUMP TO:
NOTE: I like this ellipsis. It kills dead space but it also has the feel of youth and of the randomness of Natalie.
Driving a country road, she slows to take a dirt track past an orchard and stands of glistening cottonwoods. The track ends and she pushes on through tall grass, only clouds and tree tops visible as they seemingly float along.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
Roll up your window.
She cranks up her window. He follows suit. She kills the music and slows to a steady crawl.
Note: Roll up your window is surprising and it's a nice foreshadowing that something is coming. Might be interesting if he ignores her or takes his time and she reacts with a sense of urgency.
DANNY
What?
Something appears before them and he GASPS at the slight impact.
The car rolls away to a stop. The big ENGINE IDLES.
Now it's apparent they've hit four white boxes -- stacked two high -- the top boxes knocked back at an angle.
She shifts into reverse, backs up a few feet, then comes forward. The top boxes nudge farther back, and tiny dark shapes begin to stream from the boxes into the air.
DANNY (CONT'D)
Oh, God.
A bee STRIKES the windshield, then ANOTHER.
He grabs for the steering wheel, and she shows him her hand on the door handle. He stiffens in his seat.
Note: This is a long one, so maybe finish the scene and come back to this detailed comment afterwards. My suggestion on how to handle the revelation of the bees would be to follow this escalation via Danny: 1)Huh? Why did you just hit that? 2) Hmm, those dark things are intriguing. 3)Danny knows what they are before the word "bee" is used. The audience may or may not know this. 4)The word "bee" indicates where the audience would definitely catch up with him.
I think that this was Derek's intention. Whether I am right or wrong about his intention, let's see if this was achieved.
The capitalized "GASP" drew attention to itself which could suggest that he knows they are bees. To make it clear that he doesn't know yet, a word or two of blocking could clarify. If the character doesn't know, the beat of "inquiring" or "investigating" would be created by a squint or a slight lean forward. And then, the "Oh, God" which should be the moment where HE KNOWS they are bees would be clarified with something as simple as the reversal of the lean forward: a subtle lean back. He might also push back on dashboard, lock the door or white-knuckle the door handle. The line "He stiffens," as is, might come a beat too late. If he has this or another reaction before the word "bee," the scene's escalation is more clear. The viewers and readers who happened to be a step behind him would still experience something new, too... the mystery of why he is more agitated. Literally, a few words that track Danny's reaction could strengthen the experience for the audience.
NATALIE
Now pay attention.
She throws it into reverse, then forward to RAM the boxes. AGAIN. AGAIN.
Bees pour from the hives, PELTING the windows, SKITTERING across the glass.
The car lurches forward, and a box falls to the ground. Waves of bees descend on the car.
Squinting through the teeming windshield, she GASES IT, and there's a CRACK of SPLINTERING WOOD. She kills the engine.
The BEES' ROAR is DEAFENING. Inside the cabin is dark, pinholes of light filtering through the air.
DANNY
OK. Let's go.
She nuzzles up to him, nibbling on his ear.
DANNY (CONT'D)
Please. Let's just go.
Taking the bottle, she leans against her bee-dark window.
NATALIE
They won't hurt you. I'm their
queen.
Note: What an awesome line. "I'm their queen" is surprising, dismissive and it's a line that resonates at the character, theme and concept level. In the Champion Lab, I will ask the class what would be gained by changing the first sentence to "Don't worry," or "They can't hurt you." The current line is fine but for the sake of learning, there are meaningful consequences to each of these tweaks.
As she drinks, a rash flares across her jaw. Seeing his terror, she frowns theatrically and sets the bottle aside.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
Cheer up, bud.
She abruptly straddles and kisses him, forcing her tongue into his mouth. Her lips brush his nose and forehead, her cleavage pressing his face, knocking his cowboy hat away.
She reaches down, and it's apparent that she's unbuttoning his jeans. He GASPS as though about to HYPERVENTILATE.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
Whoa. Easy there, fella.
She takes his face and levels it toward the side window.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
Look at those guys. What do you
suppose would happen if they joined
us?
Danny's POV: a yellow, orange and black smear. Looking closer, two bees grapple until one's leg is torn away.
She turns him back to confront her rash-stained face. They kiss, and it's apparent that she's stroking him.
A metallic CLICK, and he sees her index finger curled around his door lock knob. She presses it DOWN, then UP again.
Note: I love the fact that the physical location is being integrated into the beats and scene.
DANNY
Don't.
NATALIE
What?
She continues stroking him, and he GROANS with a confused mix of pleasure and fear. Again the lock knob CLICKS.
JUMP TO:
They're in the backseat, naked except for her tube top around her belly and her wings low to her back. She's LAUGHING.
Suddenly her mirth fails, and she leaps over the front seat.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
The fucking vents!
She SLAPS at the dashboard, closing the air vents, then falls forward to check under the seats.
NOTE: Once again, love the use of the location. Did wonder if he would have been the one to have the epiphany about the vents.
Danny's still shivering as she rejoins him in the back seat.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
That was sheer fucking luck. They
were open this whole time.
He LAUGHS, hysterical, oblivious to her attempts to soothe him, until she presses the bottle to his lips.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
You'll be all right.
(glancing down)
Look at you. Still ready to go.
JUMP TO:
Danny lies back staring at the bees, listening to his BEATING HEART. Across the seat there's a slight RUSTLING sound.
Abruptly the DRONING is audible again. He sits up to watch her sort through a bag. Rashes mark her back and shoulder.
DANNY
What are you doing?
NATALIE
Changing. I gotta be somewhere.
NOTE: "I gotta be somewhere." Let me try to write a note that works with the simplicity of great dialogue: Wow! And then my rewrite: Yikes!
END OF EXCERPT
SOME GENERAL COMMENTS
First of all, let me just say... this scene goes for it. I talk about scene writing being a form of director bait. As a director, I look at this scene and salivate. There are a few things I would want to work out with the writer or the actors but there is so much good stuff going on. The bees cover the window which allows you to play with light and darkness and maybe even mess around with a yellow or golden hue. And don't even get my inner DP talking about the possibilities with the subjective POV shot?
For a scene from a new screenwriter to flow so organically from its setup suggests to me that Derek is a very intuitive writer. It reminds me how important it is for us all to regress or progress to that free-flowing state before we were bombarded with screenwriting books and the rules. I won't violate the raw emotion and creativity in this scene by breaking out the guru-speak, but I will illustrate a few craft elements that allow this scene to work on all levels.
Notice that there is no dead space, explaining or exposition. The reason is because everything is set up so specifically. Natalie is such a consistent and specifically-defined character even down to her costume choice. We know their allergies. We have everything we need to understand the actions. And after this scene sets up that the rashes on her face are caused by alcohol, it allows for a sort of visual shorthand later. The script can SHOW instead of TELL us when she has been drinking.
Understanding this principle allows for more awesome craft. Once the decision is made to set the scene in the car, you have another really specific set up. Use it! See how the elements of the car - windows, locks, space underneath seat, navigation from front to back seat and the vents - create conflict, surprise, escalation and visual variety.
There may be a few missed opportunities to track Danny's emotional state. The reason I see/feel this is because as a director, I envision the questions an actor playing Danny would have. When am I petrified? Do I ever get mad? At what point do I try to go with it? Did I fail at something? But you know what? Who cares? No scene is perfect and it's more fun to discuss a scene that has a lot of great stuff going on.
I hope this discussion helps you with your own writing. For instance, this is a setpiece scene. Ask yourself if you have genre-specific setpieces in your script? The answer should be yes. Push a few of your scenes to their brink. Challenge yourself to integrate as many story elements as possible: location, character, theme, premise, etc. Why? Well, you will have to wait for my scene writing book. (Okay, the video blog at the bottom of the newsletter has a partial answer.)
I want to thank Derek again for sharing his work. It's an amazing scene and a reminder of what great screenwriting can be. And, personally, it's an inspiration to keep aspiring to it.
| 
