Craft & Career Newsletter - Issue 8: From A-List Screenwriting

First of all, notice the characters get into position without any dialogue. We already saw them "take over the station" in a systematic way, so we don't need a talky explanation. Also, this makes the underling henchmen more active because they react to Snaky's gestures, which shows us how cohesive they are as a unit, i.e., how long they have worked together, how smart they are that they can respond to a look without any direction. And, no, it's not a coincidence that I am going to discuss dialogue using a scene that has very little of it. The first lesson writers should learn about dialogue is not to depend on it. Film is a visual medium. Look at how many of the beats in this scene rely on looks, nods, head tilts, eyes and body movement.

The train approaches, suspense builds. The three men are so on edge that when the train door opens, they "jump." But it's a false alarm. When the train starts to leave the station, Snaky assumes their prey is not there, so he gestures to his henchmen who come toward him, thereby giving up their strategic position. They then mirror Snaky and turn away from the tracks. This creates a nice opportunity for a crisp (and visual) turning point/reversal in the scene): at the moment they are least engaged is when we hear Harmonica's harmonica O.S. which causes the men to stop in their tracks.

And then in a perfectly orchestrated moment, like a curtain opening: the train exits the frame and Snaky turns. When his hat moves the Bronson character Harmonica, who is playing the harmonica, is revealed on the other side of the tracks. His exiting the train from the opposite side is motivated because it provides him with a tactical advantage: the three gun men close rank. While blowing his harp, Harmonica surveys the situation. He asks about (or for) Frank and Snaky responds:

Frank sent us.

Clearly, this is not what Harmonica was expecting. So now the situation changes and the really important question for the character is am I safe? He needs to know if these men are friends or enemies, whether or not his life is in danger.

So imagine all of the on-the-nose lines of that could destroy this scene:

Are you friends or enemies?

I need to find out if you are going to kill me.

Are you going to shoot me?

Should I be worried?

Are you going to shoot me or kiss me? (kidding)

Laugh all you want at these atrocious lines, but ask yourself if you have equal disdain for EVERY on-the-nose line in a script? Well, do ya? You should.

We have to eliminate all of the on-the-nose responses, i.e., where the words are the exact subtext. So let's imagine some lines that might capture that subtext? Harmonica has spent some time surveying the scene, so let's use that somehow. Could he look at Stony and say this line?

Hey, why are you so nervous?

There is some dramatic tension in calling a character out on his nervousness as a way to assess him. Seeing and playing on characters' nerves is an essential part of this scene and in most classic shootouts. However, this is a Western, not a Woody Allen or Eric Rohmer film. In Westerns, men are laconic; they don't talk about emotions with such specificity. So the voice and appropriateness for the genre is all wrong. The word "nervous" ain't gonna cut it here, pardner.

We're really not close yet, but at least we are moving in the right direction. We are starting to think about the situation, what Harmonica sees and how to avoid words or tacks that aren't within the voice of the character or genre. What about this?

It took three of you to run his errand?

Errand? Meh. Vague. Too domestic. How about one of these?

It took three of you to pick me up?

Three of you came to pick me up?

Okay, it shows that he's smart and paying attention. Posing it as a question allows for sarcasm or a challenge. Not bad. If I were to stick with this line of thought, I might even make it less on the nose and try to put it in terms of their world:

Three of you? Didn't want to draw straws?

Quite a welcoming party. D'you all draw the short straw?

Not vomit-inducing. We're probably a tweak and a polish away from advancing through the first round of most screenplay contests. But now, let's look at the actual line:

You bring a horse for me?

Note that whatever spark of not-sucking there is in my imaginary lines, this captures the best of them. Its intention is crystal clear: "You weren't planning on my leaving here, were you?" It incorporates the iconography of Westerns and integrates the details of the setting. It is based on Harmonica's observation (pretty smart guy, huh?), but without the neuroticism in its attention to the men's emotions ("You nervous?"). It just speaks to their intention.

The line causes an immediate change in the situation. Frank's men know for SURE that Harmonica understands what's going on. This is a big deal. For the bad guys, they have gone from "maybe we have the element of surprise in a fight for our life" to "now, we're down to only our three-to-one advantage." Snaky's laughter is a combination of nervousness, bravado and malicious glee and the line that follows is implicitly a confession. But his unwavering confidence contributes to the more important goal of trying to rattle Harmonica and regain an edge:

Looks like... looks like we're shy one horse

If it's not clear that this line was meant to rattle Harmonica, it will be by the time we hear the follow-up line and see the reaction to it.

This is a critical part of the scene and I am going to put it under a microscope. From Harmonica's perspective, he now knows he is on the verge of a gunfight and his life is at stake. Snaky made a comment that was meant to f--- with him by getting under his skin. Does it succeed? Let's see what the filmmakers (writers, director, actor) show us.

Bronson's character just shakes his head. I love this for a million (okay, three or four) reasons. First, it's a visual response, i.e., WITHOUT dialogue. It's true to his character: a laconic man of few words. And from a craft standpoint, it creates suspense. We await the follow-up or clarification. Even if we don't understand the subtext of "No, you didn't rattle me (and possibly) I am not the one who is going to end up dead," we will when he delivers his next line:

You brought two too many.

If you can't revel in this line's awesomeness, then you are in the wrong Craft and Career. On a superficial level, it's so cool and clever and kick-ass but there's something important going on underneath. When writers try to emulate these characteristics (all of which seem to start with a hard-C sound), often they will write a clever line but without the underlying integrity that makes it work on a dramatic level.

For instance, a writer watches True Romance's Walken-Hopper interrogation scene and then copies the wrong part of it: in a scene where someone's getting their ass kicked, the person getting beaten will provoke the attacker to hurt him even more. What the writer is missing is that in True Romance, Hopper's character has a really strong motive to incur further injury on himself: I want to protect my son's life so therefore I have to enrage this guy so that I may die as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Harmonica's line "You brought two too many" perfectly captures the subtext of the scene. It's strong. It's surprising. And it pays off the horse references. And all without saying, "No, you three are going to die."

But without the proper attention to the character's motivation, this line doesn't work. Harmonica is outnumbered three-to-one with a bunch of guys who are confident in their ability to kill him. He knows that he needs any edge he can get. If he rattles them enough and gets under their skin, then this will affect whether he lives or dies.

Notice that immediately after this line, the film cuts to Woody Strode's Stony character where -- choose one of the following --

The smile slowly fades from his face.

His lips drop to a neutral expression

His smile droops.

He loses his smile

As a director or screenwriter, if you have the line "You brought two too many," you owe the audience a reaction shot or action description of the character losing confidence. You follow-through on the line's effect on the other character, which simultaneously/retroactively demonstrates its deep-seated importance and intention. Using only five words, Harmonica shakes the confidence of these hardened men so that he may have a better chance of killing them first and SURVIVING.

The clarity and importance of a scene's structure is what allows you to free up your creativity and choose ANYTHING for a line of dialogue. Look at the strong, clear and important intention in each beat:

Harmonica digs for information. ("Frank?", I think.)

Snaky shuts him down. ('Frank sent us.")

Harmonica calls them on it (tests, confirms, prods).   ("You bring a horse for me?")

Snaky intimidates and tries to crush him emotionally. ("Looks like... looks like we're shy one horse.")

Harmonica deflects/ignores/confuses. (Shakes his head.)

Then armed with new information, Harmonica strikes back by scaring (and surprising?) the crap out of them.   ("You brought two too many.")

Stony is rattled.

Harmonica capitalizes: kills them. (The shootout)

I don't have space here to nitpick the wording any deeper, but if you're not sure why "you brought two too many" is superior to "you brought too many horses", "you have more horses than you need", "you have two more horses than you need", and "you didn't bring a horse for me," then clear your schedule for one of my weeklong classes way later in the year.

THEORY AND THE PROCESS

Here's a theoretical or mathematical summary for finding the right line of dialogue. Once you identify a given beat, imagine that swirling around in your brain are the thousands of lines that would satisfy the beat's intent. Now group those lines into several subsets that satisfy these criteria:

capture the intent/subtext accurately (99% of the time, succinctly)
are not on the nose
are in the voice of the character
are cool and surprising
are appropriate for the genre
incorporate the setting and details of the world.

The intersection of all of those subsets, i.e., the lines that are in all of the subset groups will create a very small group from which you will find the good lines of dialogue. Another way of putting it is that your final line of dialogue must pass all of these tests.

Subsets and Intersections? Jim, is this Craft & Career or the SAT? Thanks for the math tips, genius.

Obviously, you won't use this every time you write a line of dialogue. My hope is that you go through these steps a few times and then internalize this process so that it becomes an instinctual tool. Here's how you put it into use. When working on your dialogue or your rewrite, answer these questions.

What is the purpose of the line?
Can I make it stronger?
What are some lines that capture the SUBTEXT?
Which of these lines are in the character's voice and feel right for the genre?
Which of the remaining lines use (or can be modified to use) the setting and the specific knowledge that the characters have?
Can the line play off the previous line of dialogue? (train-of-thought, metaphor, (like the horses here))
Then when I have the line I like, can it be shortened? And if the line's intention is made clear to the audience or character before it's even finished, how can I reconfigure or rewrite it so that the point becomes clear only on the final word?

Want to see this in action? Check out the A-List blog where I critique a beginning writer's opening sequence and apply these dialogue principles to his last scene.

Jim is accepting only four or five new coaching or mentoring clients this year. All of them will be invited to a free weeklong or three-day class near the end of the year.

WHAT IS YOUR SCRIPT ABOUT?

Well, for the time being the producer wants me to avoid saying too much about the script. He's considering some unconventional marketing approaches for the finished film, so until he sorts everything out he wants to keep the script "under wraps."

I can say pretty generally that the script is in the low budget horror genre.

WHAT'S YOUR BACKGROUND? HAVE YOU WRITTEN ANY OTHER SCREENPLAYS OR TELEVISION SCRIPTS?

I did a little graduate work in English Literature, then switched over to Law, so I guess my background is in Law. I'm a pretty new writer -- I've written a few other short scripts, but this is my first feature-length script.

WHY DID YOU ENTER THE CHAMPION SCREENWRITING COMPETITION ANONYMOUSLY?

I use a pen name because it's easier -- cleaner -- to keep my writing life separate from my work life, and just avoid any unpleasant complications at work. You can probably guess the kinds of complications I'm talking about. Will people at work find out that I'm writing? What will they think about it? Will my bosses resent me for it, or take it as a sign of laziness -- "if you have a life outside of work, then clearly you don't have enough work to do"?

Using a pen name also has benefits that I didn't anticipate. For one thing, it makes rejection a little easier. When I get a rejection letter ("Dear Solomon Grundy, your screenplay sucks, love, Film Festival"), I tend to shake off the disappointment a little more quickly because it's not directed at me personally; it's directed to that other guy. That Solomon Grundy guy. Yeah, it's a silly psychological trick -- but whatever, a benefit's a benefit.

HOW DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PEN NAME?

I picked "Solomon Grundy" because I've always liked the nursery rhyme ("Solomon Grundy, Born on a Monday, etc."). I always thought it was kind of cool and creepy.

WHAT MADE YOU ENTER THIS PARTICULAR CONTEST? HAVE YOU ENTERED OTHER CONTESTS WITH THIS SCRIPT? IF SO, THEN HOW DID YOU DO?

I entered the Champion Screenplay Competition because I was intrigued by the special prize for micro budget horror. My script is a low budget horror script, so I thought there might be a good match there.
I did enter some other horror contests too, and did pretty well in a couple of them. But doing well in a horror contest does not compare with the experience of actually optioning your script and joining a team of smart, creative people who are trying to turn that script into a great movie.

WERE YOU HAPPY WITH THE CONTEST ADMINISTRATION?

Very happy. Early on in the competition I sent an email to ask a technical question about the competition rules -- to my surprise, I received a very friendly response the next day. Now, I'm not going to name names or bash other script competitions, but let's just say that kind of responsiveness is rare -- I can only think of a handful of competitions that provide that kind of attentive service and The Champion Screenplay Competition is one of them, for sure.

WERE YOU GIVEN ANY FEEDBACK ON YOUR SCRIPT FROM CHAMPION? IF SO, DID YOU FIND THE FEEDBACK HELPFUL?

The Champion Screenplay Competition has provided me with tons of amazing feedback on the script.

I have to say that Jim Mercurio has been incredibly generous with his time, and has made himself 100% accessible to discuss the script at any time and in any format -- email, telephone, whatever. Last week, he spent hours on the telephone with me discussing the script, everything from larger structural issues and "what if" scenarios right down to the tiniest details. It seems almost an insult to call it "feedback" -- basically, he gave me a free "master class" on how to make my script the best script it can be.

HOW DID CHAMPION HELP TO FACILITATE THE SALE OF YOUR SCRIPT?

The Champion Screenplay Competition was instrumental in getting my script optioned. Instrumental.

Jim contacted me initially to let me know that there was a producer, who happened to be a contest judge, interested in the script. Then he helped to initiate the negotiating process and was with me every step of the way, guiding me through the process from beginning to end.

So, without the festival and without Jim's help, there is no way that my script would have been optioned.

WHAT WERE THE NEGOTIATIONS LIKE FOR YOUR SCRIPT?

I'm a lawyer, so of course I know how the negotiating process works generally -- but I'm not an entertainment lawyer and I've never negotiated an option agreement for a script before, so really I had no idea what to expect. But looking back on the whole negotiation process, I can honestly say that it was pretty painless. I think I was fortunate to be working with people I liked -- the producer was very reasonable and, as I've said, Jim made himself available to me every step of the way.

The whole negotiation process was very friendly, very civil and was wrapped up quickly, in a couple of weeks.

WHAT IS YOUR STRATEGY -- AS A WRITER -- NOW THAT YOU HAVE WON CHAMPION AND HAVE AN OPTIONED SCRIPT?

My strategy is pretty simple -- I am going to continue working diligently on my rewrites and make sure that I deliver (on time) a final polished script to the producer.

The Champion Screenplay Competition has given me every opportunity to succeed. I know very well that opportunities like this don't come around very often so I feel a responsibility to take full advantage here.

COULD YOU SHARE A LITTLE ABOUT YOUR WRITING PROCESS?

I've never been a huge fan of The Who, but there's this Pete Townshend quote I've always loved -- he said something like, "I smash guitars because I like them." That's kind of how I feel about my writing process.

Before starting a new script, I outline -- obsessively. I'll spend inordinate amounts of time crafting the outline, revising it, agonizing over every detail of it. But once I finish the outline and start writing the script, invariably I'll either ignore the outline completely or throw away large portions of it.

It seems like an incredibly inefficient way to write a script, writing an outline and then discarding it. But I think writing that outline is important for me procedurally because it helps me to absorb the universe of the script, to understand the people and the places and the "rules," so that once I begin to write I can do so with a lot more poise and confidence.

So, that's why I smash outlines. Because I like them.

WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN AS A WRITER?

Be budget conscious when you write.

If you want to get your script produced, then there are obvious practical advantages to writing something that anybody can pick up, read and then think, "You know what? I could make this movie." I mean, you can go ahead and write a script with lots of amazing stunts and huge explosions and eye-popping special effects, but just remember that there are only a handful of people out there with the power and resources to actually produce that kind of script.

WHAT'S NEXT? ARE YOU WORKING ON A NEW SCRIPT?

Right now my only concern is polishing and finalizing my current script. After that? I'm not really sure. I've written two other scripts that I'd like to begin revising and readying for market, and there may be a couple other cool opportunities out there. I guess we'll see.

Champion Screenwriting Competition's more than $40,000 in prizes is made possible because of the generous support of our sponsors: Virtual PitchFest, Julie Marsh, Truby's Writers Studio, The Writers Store and Its on the Grid. We will feature a story about one of our sponsors here next issue.