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Greetings!
New subscribers will receive two articles a month for the first three months. Each month will feature one of the legs of the Fundamentals Tripod™ as well as that month's article. From the fourth month on, the current monthly article will be the only one sent out to everyone.
Most of us do not know how the journey through terrible loss proceeds. Many people feel as though they may be losing their minds when they can't remember where they put things or how to get to the store. As a hospice chaplain and a bereavement group facilitator, I have learned a lot from people about how this healing time looks. And it is healing, to grieve all the way down to your bones. Read on.
Sincerely,
Eileen L Epperson Spiritual Center Coaching |
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"The Grieving Time"
I AM CONTINUALLY MOVED and impressed with the human spirit. It is in my bereavement groups that I see astoundingly courageous, emotional and spiritual exertion. Grieving is a healing time and one skips it at their peril. The entire human system - physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual - is laboring 24/7 to deal with the blow of a loss, and labor it must if one is not going to get stuck in the past. Grief pain is physical but there is no anesthetic for this kind. I counsel people to be gentle with themselves. Watch where they put their keys. Use a paper or electronic calendar. Allow time to get lost on a familiar road. The mind just will not be cooking on all burners and, I explain, that is to be expected. People will drive for miles on mental automatic (scary) and be unable to say how they arrived at their destination. They may weep in the bakery aisle at the grocery store. They may breakdown at any moment if it is just weeks since the death of a loved one. Get used to it, I say, and let go of any self-judgment. You would not say to a sick child, "get up, stupid, and go do your homework NOW." Someone who is in the grieving process is like this sick child, but with the habits and responsibilities of an adult..
There are profound moments in the grief group. During a recent meeting, "Cathy," was talking about her father's death. He was a burly guy, tough and non-communicative, but loving. Cathy described how he was in a semi-comatose state for days until the last day. He looked at his family one by one, became quiet for a time and then, weak as he was, he sat straight up, torso erect and tall, reaching his arms upward and smiling. He then sank down with his last breath. It was unspeakably beautiful, Cathy said. Everyone was touched and no one had moved a muscle during Cathy's story. What also moved me was the safe space that the rest of the group gave her to speak about this. We were all in the presence of the mystery of a life ending...or not.
A BRIEF OVERVIEW of what we are confronting in the impact of a deep loss. In grieving, we are affected mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Mentally, the bereaved may misplace things, think about the loved one non-stop, forget constantly why they were going from one room to another, be unable to figure out the simplest routines and wonder why they are alive. Physically, one may sleep all the time or be unable to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, get sick, feel exhausted a lot, have new aches and pains and wonder why they are still alive. Emotionally, the tears and sorrow can cut like a knife or someone may not feel anything for a while. Emotions are out of control either way. Despair and hopelessness always surface at one time or another. How people respond depends on the kinds of habits and strengths they have developed and nurtured during their lives. It helps enormously to be in a Grief Group. The hardest step to take is to go to the first meeting of a new group, but then it becomes clear that one is definitely not alone in their loneliness. Spiritually, e.g. the ways in which we give value to our lives and uncover or invent the meaning and purpose of our lives, people are really thrown. Even the deeply devout can struggle with questions of fairness and rightness. There is a spiritual opportunity available when someone starts reorganizing their life in a creative way...after the sharpness of the loss diminishes, and it does, if you go through it and not around it.
I do not know how I will be on my death bed, but the stories and events I have witnessed myself have led me to a feel for dying. No big deal. Part of life. I am gifted by hospice patients the groups. How great a life can I design here and now? I don't want to be dying with a bunch of regrets, and I have a say in how that shakes out in the years I have left.
If you would like to talk about the possibility of bringing more "workability" to your life, please contact me and we will chat about it - no charge, no expectations. 860-435-0288 or eppervesce@aol.com.
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About Eileen Epperson
The Reverend Eileen L. Epperson has been a Presbyterian minister for 21 years. She is a trained spiritual director, retreat leader and bereavement group facilitator. She has had a private practice in spiritual coaching since 2000.
As a hospital and hospice chaplain and a pastor, Eileen has led many programs for people in life transitions. She is committed to turning disappointments and losses to our advantage, transforming our lives in the process. She created The Forgiveness ProcessŪ, a powerful one-on-one process to get freed from the past.
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