|
 |
 |
|
||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
| Stephanie Pauline |
How often do we move outside of love, and live
less than the best without even realizing our
offense.
We
often not only are blind to what we
do, but also
to why we do what we do because our
reasons
are buried under this suffocating, vague sense
of shame and self-doubt. This doubt is often
directly
behind a frail veneer of denial, and pride. This
prose is meant to help
scrape back our facades and help uncover the
reasons behind our less
than bests (sin). I offer a couple examples
so you can
familiarize yourself with how to get to the
heart of the
matter.
The other day I found myself in a tizzy of frenetic, anxious energy. I "needed" to set the record straight, and "help" that person who wasn't being very nice to me see the truth. In time though I found that what I really needed was to acknowledge that once again I had fallen into my addictive behavior. Now not all addictions bear such a seemingly innocuous face, but all are a fear-induced means of coping that keep us from owning the need, fear, and pain within us. Likewise, a friend recently called to pour out her woes. She was troubled by the anger she was feeling toward her husband and kids. I asked her if she wanted to really dig into what was behind her feelings. She quipped, "I know what's behind it! Disobedient kids!" We laughed and then began an exploration into our souls. Anger is a secondary emotion. It, in itself, is not a true emotion. It is a defensive, generally aggressive, response to a situation. While anger has real value, especially when it is righteous anger, it can also contain a destructive energy that wreaks havoc and leaves mangled emotions and relationships in its wake. Wielding anger, or judgment, just like alcoholism, drug abuse, religious legalism, or any other thing we do from a heart set on that which is less than love is not the problem itself. It is a symptom of the problem. Many never experience the grace needed to enable them to really look underneath these behaviors that that cause them shame. Perpetually covering, while trying to boot strap, and white knuckle a way into gaining control over these symptoms, and through them, we often never experience enough freedom to see these things for what they are. They are the shells we put on to keep from feeling what is behind them. We are so afraid of pain. We are tormented and isolated by voices that tell us, (past or present, internal or external), that we deserve to be unloved, that we are failures, that we are inadequate...you tell me what yours say to you. These beliefs or fears about ourselves are generally attached to some wound, some point of desperation where some failure, others' sin, or the effect of the rumblings of mayhem realized in living on a fallen planet caused us to doubt God's goodness, grace, power and His love for us. We all have these fears if we are honest and courageous enough to acknowledge them in the light of day. To combat these voices we will do almost anything to deflect the shame and fear we feel, from looking down on others to keep their opinions from having the power to confirm our fears, to numbing ourselves with sensory fixations; food, pornography, video games or TV. Some means of numbing our pain or deflecting shame, at first glance, look less harmful than others, but underneath - all movements birthed out of less than absolute love and faith are addictive in nature. They are there to medicate, or combat our fears, need, and pain outside of Christ (love), and truth. We put on these repeated behaviors of our own choosing to stuff, and deny the pain and give us a sense of control when we feel so very powerless. These addictions keep us from feeling our true feelings and thinking our true thoughts. We don't admit our fears, and our un-grieved grief to others and most of the time we don't even admit it to ourselves. We are too afraid to dig in because what if we find out what we fear is true? My "need" to "set the record straight" as I stated above - that infusion of soul shaking energy - that was what I was trying to do to gain a sense of control rather than own my fear. I was afraid that I had been labelled and misunderstood. I was sad and hurt. Deeper than that I was afraid that, once again, I was going to be rejected. While I have spent years now in Christ, and have grown from glory to glory, still I was unconsciously seized by a fear, a haunting from my lost days, that maybe I was those things I had been, at one time, almost convinced that I was: worthless, and unlovable. I thought that maybe if I could change the way she thought of me it might keep my fears at bay. My fears felt so overwhelming that it seemed easier to try to control her perspective rather than turn my energy on them and gain mastery over them. Now I didn't do much of anything notably "wrong" per say, I just spoke with an energy that was less than loving, and giving. One that had a tinge of desperation on its corners and smelled rank if you got too close to it. I was trying to "get" her to see my perspective...to validate it, to make me feel okay again. Now I don't know about you, but I can't imagine Christ ever doing that to me. Sharing a perspective and giving information from a spirit of peace, love, and faith is different in quality even while it might be similar in factual content. These contrasting essential qualities mean all the difference. One leads to faith the other to more fear. One to life - one to death. You can feel it, if you train yourself to be aware, even as words drip from your lips or form in your mind. So what did I need? I needed to know that I was loved. That even if she thought ill of me, that didn't change the truth about me. I needed to remember that I am God's child. I don't have to be perfect. My value isn't in my perfection, its in God's sacrifice and love for me. I needed to feel my feelings and think my true thoughts. I needed to cry because of what was happening in the present and I needed to cry for what it had drudged up in me from the past. As healed as I have been, there are still these pockets of real pain, and need that I unwittingly stumble into from time to time. You don't see it coming until...oop...there you are clamoring, cowering, controlling, and addicting, in one form or another, once again. You look up and say, "How did I get here!?" Then you cry and let God remind you of the truth. My friend? Well, she was getting angry primarily when she had company coming over or was late for an appointment. Her anger was her addictive response to the overwhelming shame and fear she felt. Somewhere along the way she had picked up this fear that she was lazy, and a no good, worthless failure. A guest coming over to her house when it needed to be picked up, and being late for appointments caused those fears to loom with increased credibility in her mind. She was getting harsh and overly directive to deflect some of the shame she was fighting to stave off internally. It seemed easier to try to prove her fears wrong, and at least temporarily keep them at bay, by getting angry enough to "get" everyone to hop-to-it to help get out the door, or clean up her house, than it did to combat the fear inside of her. Once we pulled this fear out into the open, she saw these thoughts for what they were...lies, and just like that - they lost their power. Now she is going to work to keep those trigger moments from coming by planning ahead and if need be, calling that person that's on their way and telling them not to come that day. She figured better that than sin and allow her peace, and her family to be impaired. She is going to try to go cry and feel the hurt from past and present wounds that are behind this initial anger she experiences. She knows now that for her this anger = shame = fear = pain = need for God's love to reassure her of the truth. Now that she knows the pattern she will follow it to her God. It won't be easy. It will be painful, and messy to dig into these feelings beneath her fears. This process of healing will bring with it moments of newfound joy, and elation in her freedom and then great difficulty when her day is wrought with unexpected failure. I know this because I've sojourned on this same path. Day by day...moment by moment His grace IS enough. This is life. This is the life of a Christ follower. Its not perfect, its not easy - but it is life. Not one of endless anesthetizing, but of real feelings, real need, and a real Savior. Behind every sin, every less than best, and every less than loving thing that we think, say, and do there is simply a need, and it is a need Christ can fill - so don't be afraid of it. What do you need? Don't try to push down that fear anymore. Don't run from that pain - run to it. In the very center of that need you will find the living God. He's ready and willing to meet you there. We were never made to do this alone. It makes sense that we stumble around without him. Don't let your stumbling bring you to shame, let it bring you to your knees - Yes Lord, let it bring us to our knees. |
|||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
Thank you so much for taking the time to catch up with
us here at More than Music Inc. We have lots of
ministry plans, including 25 detention and drug rehab
facility concerts, in the works for this coming year.
Please keep us in your prayers, and especially
remember me and my family when you speak to God.
We need His special grace and guidance as we seek
to do the work He has laid before us.
|
||||||
Stephanie Pauline |
||||||
 |
|
|||||
