 Greetings!
Relationships are some of the keys to happiness and enjoyment of life. As human beings, we love contact with other people. But it can go horribly wrong and when it does, it can cause a lot of pain and unhappiness.
A lot of people who seek me out need help with relationships and in this newsletter, I'll share just a few of the keys to building successful and lasting relationships. But first, here are the three biggest mistakes people make:
1. When you meet people you like, you want to be with them and enjoy their company. But how long is it before you start wanting to change them in some way and when they don't want to accept your version of how you think they should be, you start to become frustrated and dissatisfied with the relationship? This kind of issue is at the heart of so many marital break-ups, as I know to my cost, but can equally apply to other relationships at home or in the workplace.
2. Perhaps related to the above is that we often like sharing our opinions and especially if we feel we have been treated unfairly in some way. We want the other person to know how we feel and want them to know we're hurt. Sometimes you need to stand your ground and stand up for yourself. There are also times when , to avoid things blowing up into unnecessarily dramatic issues, you're better to keep your opinions yourself. Equally. there can be occasions when we don't tackle issues that are important to us and these later come up in the most inappropriate circumstances and the most inapproriate way. If you don't know the difference, your relationships can come under serious pressure.
3. How you feel about yourself is reflected in your interactions with others. If you're insecure about yourself, this can show in defensive, aggressive behaviour and counter-attack, which often leads to blow-ups. Often, in these cases, the further into a corner you get, the more difficult it is to back down as this only exacerbates your feelings of insecurity or lack of confidence.
So what are you going to do if you're experiencing some of these issues in your relationships? Here are a few 'starters for 10' which will help you get your relationships on a more sustainable and enjoyable footing.
1. If you truly like or love someone, no matter how close you are, their experience of life is completely unique. So they have to be who they are, which may not be always how you would like them to be. Start accepting people for who they are and avoid trying to change them. This is the start of unconditional love and is the foundation of successful relationships.
2. For a relationship to last, there has to be trust and that means there may need to be some very challenging discussions at times. But, if they are approached at the right time (ie not in the heat of the moment) and with a view to seeking to understand the other person's point of view and seeking a solution, even the most difficult issues can be resolved and can even strengthen your relationships longer term.
3. Choose your 'battles'. There are times when you may be able to make a difference by sharing what you feel in a thoughtful way and you may be able to suggest a way of avoiding similar conflict in the future. However, when you're dealing with people who do not share your opinion, it is often better to recognise it and avoid further conflict. You're unlikely to change anything by arguing and you can become extremely frustrated if, despite your best efforts and putting in a lot of energy the status quo remains the same. In any case, sometimes people will come round to your way of thinking if you just give them a little time and space. So learn to understand the difference between what's really worth pushing for and what you can influence and avoid causing yourself and others stress by things that don't really matter that much OR which you have no chance of changing.
4. Sometimes it's better just to sit back and LISTEN than it is to leap to your own defence. Listening means more than just listening to the words that said too (although it is worth paying attention to the phraseology as this often gives you clues to where the other person is coming from) . Look for hints in what is NOT being expressed and the manner in which people make their points of view. This gives you a clearer understanding and may help you resolve further conflict.
5. Asking questions is often more effective than counter-attack as you are clearly seeking to understand when you say, "So would I be right in thinking that...?"
6. If your emotions get the better of you, it's often better to call a time-out and take yourself out of the situation for a while so that you can think clearly and rationally. Go for a walk and take a few deep breaths and come back to the situation when you can deal with it calmly and constructively.
7. You might also want to ask yourself why this has upset you so much and to query whether what you are REALLY reacting to is what you are seeing as personal criticism which may never have been intended. This says more about how you feel about yourself than what actually took place. If you feel like you under-value yourself or are undeserving, seek help with this. You CAN change it and it makes a complete difference to your relationships and your life.
Even the best relationships CAN have their challenges, but being upset with someone doesn't always have to spell the death knell and doesn't mean they don't care for you. Differences of opinion give you a chance to learn more about each other, to increase your understanding and can deepen your love and strengthen the relationship if handled carefully.
Let me know your number one concern about your relationships by emailing me on annie@breathingspacetherapies.com.
If you are struggling with a relationship and can use some objective help, make a risk-free appointment with me by phone or in person. If you don't benefit, you get your money back.
With love
Annie
| 
