Why Don't We Listen Better? FREE Listening Skills Workshop Friday, April 13 from 6 to 9pm 7929 SW Cirrus Drive Bldg. 23 Beaverton OR 97008
Turn west off Hwy 217, turn left onto Hall Blvd. then left on Cirrus Drive, left on second driveway where you should see a sign re: Bldg. 23
Go around the end of the Bldg. and look for Good Samaritan Ministries sign. |
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| 11,000 Sold! |  | |
Learn more about the Flat-Brain Tango and basic listening skills.
Available on our website and at Amazon in paper or for your Kindle app
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| GREAT MOTHERS' DAY GIFT! |  | |
JUST LIKE EATING PEANUTES OUT OF A JAR.
Sometimes you can eat one or two, but often, you just have to keep reading these miniature essays.
Available on our website or at Amazon.
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Jim & Sally Petersen's Newsletter
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An Update from Jim,
My next listening workshop, Friday, April 13, prompted us to send this newsletter. It's the second of three risky Friday the 13th workshops this year. How's that for facing down superstition?
Big news for us, we've downsized into a lovely duplex in a continuous care retirement community on a bluff overlooking the Willamette River in southeast Portland. We've been asked to write about the process of massive change. Sally's piece on Change (from 1999) gives a clue. Work on my new book, Why Don't Couples Listen Better? book is on hold until my ship completes its turn.
The listening tip below grows out of the kind of frustration a parent feels, when during a lecture, the kid's eyes glaze over and nothing penetrates. We get anxious believing to be "good" parents we need the kid to understand us. So what do we do? Of course, we talk louder and longer to the kid with a flat brain. Damaging, and as useless in gaining understanding from the kid as talking louder to someone who speaks a different language or who is in a wheel chair. So ... When You're Not Being Understood: A Radical Proposal.
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When You're Not Being Understood: A Radical Proposal
| Is it really important for you (us) to be understood? Well, for many it is. Especially if, over the years, there's been a build-up. But you might say, "There are times when the one we want to understand us doesn't. What's more, they seem to be more interested in how they see things than how we do." So we get frustrated and anxious. They are not hearing us.
What do we do when others don't care enough about us to set their views aside and take time to understand us? Well, we tell them ever so carefully what it is that we believe and want them to understand. Then we say it again in another way or come up with super illustrations. When that doesn't work, we demand more time to say it once more logically. Surely that will help. Perhaps we even raise our voice to get the message through. When that fails, we spell it out for them again and again.
And what are the others doing while we're making this giant effort for the good of our relationship? Why, they're getting fidgety, even irritated and defensive, maybe trying to hold on to themselves to keep from shedding tears.
That's when we say, "You're not listening to me." And of course we're right. They are much too wrapped up in what they're thinking (and trying to defend themselves against our destructive convincing efforts.) When we accuse them of not listening that just puts them off further and makes them more defensive.
I'm sure you've never been in this situation yourself, but for those you talk to who get into this destructive jam, here is the rule I try when I'm not too flat-brained to be functional: Listen first; talk second. Do a really counter-intuitive thing-give up your goal of being understood.
If you want to be understood, give up trying (it's not working anyway). Listen to the other to understand at a much deeper level than you have. They will relax, calm down, think straighter and eventually be able to understand you. Repeat as often as necessary.
If you want to be understood, start with understanding. The best way to teach loving listening skills to others is to model them yourself.
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Change
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Realization crystallized a year ago-I must create change hour by hour, over time, or never. And never is closer than it used to be.
So I turn my life into calmer seas, creating a life better suited to me. A writer's life, centered on process.
I ignore a duty, forgo a long lunch, don't return every call. Little acts, tiny turns of the wheel, incremental momentum in the turn.
The ship turns slowly, making no visible waves.
I finish writing my first book.
November 2, 1999 
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