Listening Technique: Handling the Holi
day Blues
The holiday blues may be tougher than usual for many this year. If you or someone you know is struggling with being down over the holidays, fragmented relationships, the economy, the loss of a loved one, a job, or anything, here are several clues that might help.
Good listening can surround a person with supportive love. You can do it for yourself or someone else. Start by asking and acknowledging how low they (or you) feel. Use a plus ten to minus ten scale. And please don't remind them (or yourself) that others are really worse off.
When we are down and depressed, there is usually anger to deal with. Start there. Find ways to describe the anger, how strong it is, who or what it's about, how it feels, where it's located in the body, how it compares to other angry times. Acknowledge and relax about its presence. It is normal. Naming and describing the anger will begin to let it go.
Find out what came before the anger showed up. Anger is a secondary emotion that follows on the heels of another emotion ─ disappointment, irritation, resentment, sadness, loneliness, etc. Acknowledge the primary emotion the way you did with the anger. (From here on I'll write as though you are helping someone else deal with their feelings, but you can use all the same methods on yourself, though having someone else listen to you in this way is better.)
When such feelings are talked about, don't fall off your chair or spill your coffee. The more folks talk easily about feeling bad, no matter what their situation, the sooner it goes away and the less is left to fuel ongoing anger.
If you look for it underneath the hurt feelings, you'll find caring. Help them find that and notice it. Folks don't get hurt unless they care about life, family Christmas patterns, partners, kids, the world etc. It helps me a lot to know that when someone gets angry, that right underneath is hurt, and below that is caring. So if I'm angry or someone else is angry with me, the root of it is caring. That makes anger less threatening to deal with.
This equation helps me understand anger. It is proportional to the gap between our expectations and reality. Big gap between what we expect and reality ─ a loved one dies ─ big anger. A bit late for lunch ─ little anger. Ask what they expected that did not happen, what they expected they didn't get. Expectations are our hold on thinking we should have control and that others (the world, God) should come through the way we have life planned. You can recognize an expectation of this sort that is out of sync with reality, because of the pushy should, ought, have to, and need words.
When I'm angry over one of my unfulfilled expectations, I know I've made a mistake in my assessment of reality and it's time to figure out what's real, and then come up with a creative way to deal with that reality. (Some people just aren't ever going to be on time for holiday dinners and sadly, that's who they really are. So since I can't change them, how do I handle that? Tell them what time we're eating and ask them to bring dessert, invite them an hour early or if it's serious, not invite them at all.)
To help clarify the gap between what the hurt/angry/depressed person expected and the reality, say something like: "So what you expected was........and what really happened was................. Mmmmm." This often leads to a little better assessment of reality and in the long haul, less depression.
The opposite of depressing oneself into a chair in front of the TV is moving and action. Do whatever you can to cajole folks into exercising, walking, running, hitting tennis or golf balls ─ a punching bag. Physical activity that gets someone puffing and panting burns up emotional overload and reminds us we still are alive and able to accomplish something, the opposite of the losses we experience. Oh yes, and if the activity includes doing something for someone else, it will make even more difference.
For more help on anger and depression review and practice the chapters on Acknowledging, Expectations and Anger, Persistent Anger and Bullfighters and Suicide Hints in my book: Why Don't We Listen Better? Please let me know if the hints above help. Jim@PetersenPublications.com.
