News from Petersen Publications

In This Issue

Listening Skills Workshop
Thursday, January 28th at 7:30 pm.
Moreland Presbyterian Church
Fellowship Hall
1814 SE Bybee Blvd in Eastmorland

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Email Jim to RSVP

January 2010 Newsletter

Greetings from Jim

We're getting this newsletter out quickly since I want those of you in Oregon or Washington to have a chance to attend my next 90-minute lecture/workshop on listening skills. The last listening skills workshop drew about fifty people, and there's another free one coming up on Jan. 28 at Moreland Presbyterian church.

The Stephen Ministry program trains people to listen supportively to folks going through crises. Moreland and I invite you to attend the session I've put together for them. Good listening is good listening whether in a family, a strained relationship, hospital room or a business. So, if you need a reminder or to touch up your skills, come join us. See sidebar at left for information.

I've included a heavy listening technique below on the art of negotiating. It will take some chewing, but worth the time for close relationships, dealing with sales people or in business.

Sally and I are just back from our annual get-out-of-town-after-the-holidays-planning-retreat. We spent a few days looking at rain blowing sideways over the beach and watching seagulls flying south close to the surf. We review our previous year's calendars and make lists of activities, accomplishments, failures, reactions, etc. on big paper. We talk about what worked and what didn't and how our priorities panned out or went under. And we do a lot of taking turns listening and trying to understand what's going on with each other.

Of course we take breaks, look for good restaurants and this time chose to walk under cover at the discount mall. (Dangerous weather on the beach and dangerous shops on the mall.) Out of that grounding in reality and fun being together we share what's going on in our feelings and thinking and lay a (loose) plan for the new year. We leave room for contingencies and unknowns. We spend time talking about our individual lives and our together one. We lay the groundwork for new travel experiences. Sally's going to return to a fitness club for strength training to add to walking. I'm going to add a third round of tennis each week (with younger guys) to improve my fitness. We're each planning to write the major part of a new book this year. And we're going to put our home up for sale and downsize so we can focus more on writing and connecting with people and less on house, yard and maintenance.

It was a great five days and we're rolling into the new year. Incidentally, years ago I started out reluctant to do this kind of assessment and planning, fearing I'd lose some control of my life, but this has turned out to be one of the most enjoyable and meaningful times in our relationship year. We wish you a most challenging and enjoyable new year.

Greetings from Sally

Thank you for your enthusiastic response to Tea Pie, Love and Reality. People who don't know me seem to find it as interesting as those who do...and that's what I'd hoped for.

The book is now on Amazon at the cover price of $14.95. But through the end of January it's available on our website at the introductory price of $11.95 (including shipping). Or simply email us and we'll ship it with an invoice. Mail to: sally@PetersenPublications.com

All books are numbered, signed copies of this limited special edition-very suitable for gift-giving.

In line with Jim's comments about our yearly planning session, lots of us make resolutions when the calendar lurches into another year. It's a new shot at life and organization. Even if we don't write resolutions onto a guilt-producing list, most of us think of what we might do differently THIS year. So here's a miniature from Tea Pie for mulling over.

Guilt of a sort

Where does the guilt go about undone items on your "to do" list?

When an item stays on the list, day by day, week after week, it accumulates guilt. Strong at first, it becomes weaker with passing time. Briefly guilt regains strength and you renew your resolve to do the task. Then it weakens again.

One day enough time has passed. You look at the item on the list without emotion, and cross it off because it's too late.

-July 1998

Listening Technique: Negotiating

"Negotiation" typically brings to mind compromise - painful compromise. In compromise people focus on trying to win most and lose least. Such courtroom mentality makes winning and losing the key issues. Here adversaries focus on how much they give up and how little they gain. No one is happy.

Really listening can provide the mutual understanding necessary to make negotiating work. Listening gives people the sense that their concerns are taken seriously, making it easier to cooperate. Listening first will help you get more of what you really want and give away less that matters to you.

Negotiators who shift from clinging to rights against each other can develop understanding and concern for what lies beneath the issues. Parties who listen long enough to understand each other can more readily offer creative options or concessions that meet real needs and move the process along.

Without understanding we make offers based on what we think others want, resulting in proposals that not only do not satisfy, but give away things that are painful and unnecessary to lose. In a poor negotiation, we scratch the backs of others where they don't itch and no one scratches our backs where we do itch.

If we carefully listen to each other, we tend to resist less, because we feel heard. This increases our chances of shifting from adversaries to cohorts. Then we can better discover each other's real itches and target our scratching. Relieved itching in negotiation improves outcomes for everyone.

Effective negotiation presumes a level of openness, honesty, and good will. Good listening can help by allowing negotiators to sense that we're in the situation with rather than against each other. When you listen well, you grow in concern for the talker and become more ready act on their behalf.

Some negotiations are really difficult ─ we don't like those we're negotiating with; our values and principles are diametrically opposed; or we're middle management, caught between the boss and the customer. Think of an insurance adjuster, sandwiched between the company who doesn't want to give money away and the insured who wants big bucks ─ a set up for no one to be happy. The adjuster's communication skills can help the insured and the insurer feel heard and understood, even when neither gets quite what they want. Effective listening makes a middle ground solution seem more palatable to both.

If the negotiation involves a principle you can't let go, or the company policy is inflexible, having the negotiators be heard and understood still holds the best possibility for coming up with workable solutions. At minimum, cohorts who've been heard and understood, can more easily agree to disagree.

To successfully negotiate a difficult deal, one that makes both parties relatively happy, takes effective listening, that is long enough get under the surface, to deeper concerns. There people come to respect each other and can work together to come up with creative solutions neither had thought about earlier. Good luck and listen well.