Greetings from Jim
Thanksgiving is
our favorite holiday because we're not pressed to buy things, but rather to
consider what we appreciate in life. I've enjoyed C.S. Lewis's comment in
"Reflections on the Psalms",that the
ability to give praise is inner health made audible. Anyone can find cause
to criticize an excellent meal, but only maturity finds something to praise in
a modest one. So I encourage you to find things to appreciate and praise in
your life and in those who matter to you. Then share it: most of us are
appreciation-deprived. And not so incidentally, we appreciate your interest and
your responses to what we've been sharing in our newsletter and in our books.
Sally has good
news to share about publishing her book and is including a couple of its
delightful miniatures. I've added a listening skill tip we get a kick out of using
frequently.
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Greetings From Sally
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Thanks to you who responded to last
newsletter's miniature about 9-11. I especially appreciated those who said they
would use it with their students or share it with their grandchildren.
Jim and I hope you will forward
these newsletters to anyone you think might be interested. Or send us friends'
email addresses and we'll add them to the (free) subscription list. After much agonizing,
I've settled on a book title for the short-short essays, or miniatures I'll
have ready for holiday giving. It's Tea
pie, Love & Reality: A Collection of Memoir Essays. I'm excited to report that the cover art comes
from Deborah DeWit, a well-known local artist. Her pastel is "Confidants," and
reminds me of the comfortable conversations we have with friends, which is how
I think of the book.
It will soon be available both on
our website and through Amazon. We'll keep you posted.
Jim and I are just back from Kauai
with its mild trade winds, autumn rains that last ten minutes, temperatures in
the low eighties. Back home, yesterday, Oregon had a huge windstorm that
brought down trees and whipped up winter waves at the coast enough to make Jim
cancel a fishing trip to Tillamook Bay. Typical winter weather for us.
It reminded me of the first
miniature below. I hope the second one tickles your funny bone the way it did
mine. Let me know how you react, [email protected].
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Selections from Tea Pie, Love & Reality
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Just like Hawaii
Mother stood on
the beach at Arch Cape, Oregon, looking straight out to the horizon in the way
of flatlanders.
She beamed with
recognition. It's just like Hawaii!
Her arm gestured
toward the horizon.
See! The
water fades right into the sky...you can't tell where one stops and the other starts.
Pause for effect.
Only there, it's blue. Here it's all gray.
-Autumn,
1975
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The Expert
How old are you today?
She thrusts her
right arm to full length, tucks her thumb under, fingers fanning out like a
starfish.
Four. There's a triumphant sound to this
declaration. Later, she blows out four candles on the little pizza she made
herself.
Still later,
spooning ice cream, she announces, I am
expert.
What are you expert in?
A pause while her
eyes squinch with an effort of thought. Then the smile. I am expert in whatever I see.
-April, 2006
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Listening Technique: I need a consultant, not a husband (or wife).
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I have a special treat for you. This
technique is not in the WHY book. Sally taught it to me. She found that when
she walked into my office at home with an issue she needed help thinking
through, I would quickly forget what I teach and leap to giving advice. This of
course made me feel really smart and important, that is, for the short time
before she got mad and considered not ever placing her problems in the hands of
this rotten listener.
I immediately jumped to giving
advice because I could be the fixer guy. This is described in the guys'
handbook for marriage based on ancient rituals of bagging game for the wife and
kiddies and fighting off marauding wife-stealing enemy tribes. Guys know we are
supposed to fix our gals' problems. Of course there is a parallel pressure for
women, that is, being mothers who should fix problems for kids ─ of any age.
Fortunately for us, she figured out
a way to get me off the guy problem-solver-thing and into a useful mode of
listening. For years now when she walks into my office, she asks, Is this a convenient time to talk? And when
it is she says, I have an issue I want to
talk over. I need a consultant not a husband.
Whew, knocks me right off my advice
pillar and gives me my marching orders. I know how to do that. I go for the
Talker-Listener Card, listening techniques and help her sort out her issue. The
TLC reminds me it is her problem. I'm to work at understanding and clarifying, no
advice, no agreement or disagreement and especially no defending my turf. I
don't try to solve her problem. She gets heard, sorts out her issues and I stay
out of trouble. We both feel better.
I
learned this too from a business consulting model. A poor consultant grabs the
business' problem, comes up with a plan, writes a report and hands it over.
They promptly pay for it and put it in a bottom drawer because it is not their
solution. A quality consultant helps businesses
sort out and define their problems and helps them come up with solutions that
are theirs. Then they feel the confidence that comes from solving their
problems and have the energy and ownership to put their solutions to work.
Let me know how it works for you. [email protected].
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A New Bigger Talker-Listener Card
So many people wanted a larger
card to go with the Dinner Table Listening Game or for teaching/counseling use
that we produced a 4x7-inch one. It's easier on the eyes than the business card
fine print. You may want extras for your friends or a group. We're making both
the Business and Large Card sizes the same price. You can mix or match the
sizes. Send a check to 14815 SW 141st
Ave. Portland OR 97224, or order from the website: www.PetersenPublications.com.
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10 for $4.95 25 for $9.95 100 for $24.95
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