How do we use the Vedic world view, specifically, to smooth our way in our love relationships, at those times when things have to be 'discussed,' or 'worked through' with each other?
The first thing, of course, is the idea of compassion. Com = with, passion = to feel. We make the effort to be able to 'feel with' our partner, to know what it might be like to be him, her. With this in mind, we have at least the opportunity to hear what our partner's problem, rather than to hear it as a personal indictment of ourself.
This of course is aided mightily if our partner is following another of the Vedic ideas, that of Self. At the deepest experience of life, there is no 'other.' There is only Self. There is no 'you' and 'me,' there is only Self. When speaking to another about our experience, we report how something makes us feel, rather than what we think about our partner and/or what they're doing. By not pointing our finger, we are giving ourselves an opportunity to stay together in our communication, to have at least the idea, if not the feeling, of Self, oneness, rather than to slide immediately into us vs. them.
This part can take a bit of practice. For example, let's say our partner has big feet, and every time they pass us in the hallway they step on our toes. Not only does this hurt our toes, but because of our history and perhaps the way we were parented, having our toes stepped on makes us feel invisible, insignificant, unloved. We ask our partner to watch out, not to do this thing, don't step on my toes, but they keep on. Maybe not as often as before, but still. And now we're beginning to take it personally. What is wrong with her? Does she hate me? Is she mindless? Is she just mean? These are the thoughts we may begin to have, and we notice we're building a case for our resentments and we find it increasingly difficult just to let things go. It's time to have a conversation with our partner, find a solution that will smooth the waters and allow us to let go of our bad feelings toward this toe-stepper-on-er whom we love, and bring us closer together. Now, knowing that this is about sharing our feelings, not our opinions or our random thoughts and judgments, how might we approach this conversation?
'You always step on my toes. You're an ass.' Nope.
'You always step on my toes and make me feel insignificant. You're an ass.' Closer.
'You step on my toes, a lot. It makes me feel like you're an ass.' No.
'I know you love me, and even though my head tells me lots of other things, I know that you don't want to hurt me; but when you step on my toes, it makes me feel insignificant. It hurts my feelings. It makes me feel unloved.'
Not bad.
Now if I'm the one with the big feet, no matter how carefully my partner says this to me, some part of me probably is going to react and I'll feel attacked. I'll have some degree of a fight or flight response. This is just the way it is for we humans, most of the time. What do we do? We know this going in. We're ready for it. So that when it comes up we don't have to follow it or be identified with it. We can observe it. We become the Witness to this play and display of humanity, in ourselves as well as in our partner. We can say to ourselves something like, 'wow, I'm feeling attacked. But this is so-and-so. Someone I love. I don't think he wants to hurt me. Look at him. He looks distressed. I don't want him to be distressed. If someone else were distressing him, I'd want to make them stop. And evidently it's me that's distressing him, so I'd like me to stop.'
And we listen. Listen, listen, listen, to the words, and to what's under the words, and know that regardless of how he's saying it, what's underneath, nearly always, is a cry for love. A cry to be recognized. A cry to be heard and reflected back. More often than not, that's what we need to do. Simply to hear and to reflect back. Simple, but rarely easy.
There is one thing. This one thing is nature. Nature always, only, is about the business of evolution. The two of us together as a couple are about the business of evolution. Growing together toward a greater sense of wholeness, happiness, strength, sharing, sensitivity and vulnerability, with each other and individually. When in doubt, we remember this truth. We remember it's our job to find enjoyment. It's our job to become more fully what we are. It's our job to allow light to be shed on those places that still are in shadow, and to be willing to sit through the discomfort of letting ourselves be seen. When we look at our relationship from this point of view, then more and more this is what our relationship can be about. More and more our relationship can be the showcase for the fulfillment that is our truest nature, the fulfillment that we are, here, behind the thoughts and the feelings and the opinions and the reactions, in our least excited state.
Today I will listen with love and without reaction. Yucca Plant, Studio City, CA
All material copyright JeffKoberMeditation |
