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It sometimes is so noisy, these meditations. So much noise out here. Outside the house. Cars, children, engines, leaf blowers, radios. Inside the house. Telephones, air conditioner, refrigerator, clock, child, spouse, dog. Noise and noise and noise. Walking through my day, I barely notice. I have learned to ignore the noise. Learned to pull in and away from it. Or perhaps I am simply locked in my own thoughts, in my thinking, in my speculation so that I don't hear how much noise there is. Listening to my thoughts, the over and over again thoughts of what's wrong and what do I need to do and how can I fix this and this and this, all the unresolved issues of my life.
I sit to meditate, and the first thing I become aware of are these thoughts. Swirling, chattering, roiling about, all of them calling for my attention. I follow first one, then the other, then another, and then, at some point, I find my mantra. 'Ah, yes,' I say to myself. 'I'm meditating,' and I pick up the mantra, easily, effortlessly, and I go forward with it, letting go of the thoughts. And as I let go of the thoughts, I start to feel the feelings in my body. Discomfort. Not quite fitting in my skin. Pain. Sadness. Irritation. About that guy at the grocery who pulled out in front of me. The woman who gave me the dirty look at the coffee shop. The producer who didn't hire me. Etc., etc. Feelings. Thoughts. Opinions. Attitudes. Sounds. Too, too much. God, how much work it is to be human. To be alive.
Now, let's imagine another scenario. Somehow this one appears to me as a scene from a black and white movie, maybe from the '40s or the early '50s.
Our hero, after some mishap or other, is swimming back into consciousness.
"Joe! Joe! Can you hear me, Joe?"
He shakes his head. "Yeah. I can hear you. What... what happened?"
Joe can hear! Good news!
"Do you know what day it is?"
"Yeah. It's Monday. August 15th. What happened?"
Joe can think. He's thinking! More good news.
"How do you feel?"
"I feel irritated that you won't tell me what happened. And I feel like a truck hit me. Did a truck hit me?"
Joe's having feelings. Yay!
Joe is hearing, he's thinking, he's feeling. You know what this means? It means he's alive.
Today I'll be grateful to be alive. In meditation, as well as outside of meditation, I will find gratitude for being alive.
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