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It is said by those who know how to count such things that the average human has somewhere between 65,000 and 100,000 thoughts per day. If it feels to you like there is a lot going on up there, there is. The mind is very busy. However, it is said by these same people that about 95% of these thoughts are identical to the ones we had yesterday. If we're having a less-than-ideal experience of life, then in all probability some of these thoughts are telling us to continue that experience.
Today, walking through the Metropolitan Museum, I had a talk with an old friend. I asked how her meditation was going. She said, "I'm really good for four or five months, twice every day, then for some reason I stop. Like when I get really busy, at those times when I really could probably use it the most. Why do we do that?"
Most people I know who are involved in spiritual work with themselves have at some time and in some fashion come up against inner thought formations that insist on us doing something that hurts our evolution, or not doing something that helps our evolution. There are times we feel helpless to do anything other than to follow the guidance of these thoughts, even though they seem to want to bring us harm. Where do they come from and why are they so difficult to get rid of?
Much of the time these 'voices' are an internalized experience of our parents. Even if our parents did a relatively good job raising us, at some time or another they ignored us or raised their voices, punished us, taught us a lesson, behaved selfishly; and depending on the day we were having as our four-year-old self, a lesson was learned that made us feel less than deserving of love. (This is of necessity a vast over-simplification and generalization, so for anyone who cannot relate, please just skip ahead to something else.) Lessons we learn at an age when our very survival is dependent upon the approval of the parent-figures in our life goes into us at the deepest level: the level of survival. I.e., do things the way want things done, or you will get no food, no shelter, no love, no protection. So until we make this conscious, the patterns developed out of this paradigm will just continue to run and we will continue to treat ourselves less than kindly.
Also, if my parents taught me I was not worthy of love, by embracing that idea myself I am making sure that I will not lose my parents. If I keep my parents, I'm still not in charge. I'm still "at the effect of" something other than myself. I will not have to take responsibility for my life and I can blame someone else for where it's going wrong.
Is this Vedic psychotherapy? No. It's just one of the many ways in which we help ourselves individually join the flow of nature's evolution. Negative thoughts, negative behaviors, negative self-talk, all are the product of the stresses that we have stored through our lifetime. They are grooved into ruts that are difficult to climb out of. As we meditate, daily we let go of these stresses and the ruts become progressively less deep. But still, the old habits of thought are there and we must teach ourselves new habits. Embrace new thoughts. Thoughts of why it's okay to let go of the old, and thoughts of why it's okay to love ourselves.
To return to the parental paradigm, this body I have, filled with stresses as it is, was birthed by my parents. And I have been my parents' child. But now I am learning to see myself as a spiritual being, and this spirit I am was birthed by God. I am God's child. Let me learn what that might feel like, how God's voice might sound in my mind, what God might tell me to do to take care of his child today.
Today I will ask God how to take care of myself a little better than I did yesterday, and I will listen for an answer.
Five Bicycles, Soho Grand, West Broadway, Soho NY
All material copyright Jeff Kober
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