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June 25
The Problem with Romantic Relationships
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The problem with romantic relationships is that the falling-in-love stage ends, after the original pheremonal rush wears off, we tend to get stuck in a mode of asking whether or not we're getting what we need from the other person, then demanding it from them, making them pay for not delivering it, pay for not even knowing what it is we need, or looking around for the next "love of our life" because obviously I made a mistake when I thought it was this one.
No one ever will be able to give us what we need. It's not available "over there," from another person. What we need is happiness and fulfillment. Happiness and fulfillment are available only within. Though you can occasionally bring me happiness--by writing me a poem or taking me out to dinner or buying me a new shirt while you were out shopping, showing me that in fact you were thinking about me--this is not a happiness that lasts. Nor can you ever, ever bring me fulfillment. Fulfillment is what we are, in our least excited state. This is what we contact when we meditate. The place where we are fulfillment itself. There is nothing you, as my lover, can do to add to this fulfillment that I am, nor is there anything you can do to take away from it. It is me. All me. My responsibility. To find, to nourish, to accept, to own. And to make sure I don't get stuck demanding it from you.
A relationship is not a place I go to for fulfillment. It is, however, a showcase for this fulfillment that I am. The more fulfillment I have, the more fulfillment I bring to my relationship, the more loving my relationship will be. The more free my partner will be to bring their own fulfillment. The more free I will be to give of myself. To love. When we can begin to move in this direction, we discover one of the secrets of life and love: that I can't even feel love from you. I may be able to see evidence of it (like the shirt, the poem); but I can't really feel it. I only can feel it as it moves through me. And in order for me to have it move through me, I need you there and available to receive it. So instead of, "Love me! Love me! Love me! and Do It Right!" I can begin to say, "Let me love you. Please, show me how."
Today I will offer a touch, a word, a look, for no reason other than to be loving and kind. 
Two Horses, Carpinteria, California
All material copyright Jeff Kober |
