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I've had conversations lately with some people who have what they describe as "control issues." With these issues, they have decided they know what is best for someone else--how they should behave, what they should do, who they should be--in very specific ways. The people with these ideas then spend their time and energy, their thoughts, feelings, life-force, in the attempt to get their target of control to conform to the idea they have. Not one of these people claims to enjoy this process; nor do any of them report even a modicum of success in getting anyone to toe the line, as it were, and give them what they want.
I used to think I needed to have all the answers. For myself. (I think, frankly, I was too self-involved to try to find answers for anyone else.) I needed to know what to do, so that I could be in charge of my life. Unfortunately, when I was "in charge of my life," I made pretty much a mess of things. I was unhappy most of the time. My decisions were based almost entirely on the needs and demands of others, or on what I thought was the "right" thing to do at any given moment, or on what choice looked like it would give me the most comfort. I would set goals and work toward them, but I was easily side-tracked; and those goals I was able to accomplish--getting a particular job, getting to a particular weight, making a certain sum of money, etc., etc.--never, ever gave me what I was looking for, which it turns out was simply a bit of peace, some joy, a quietening of the mind. I did end up finding those qualities, but of course that has been through my practice of meditation, not through any of the accomplishments I've been able to achieve.
I remind myself of the above whenever I get the idea I know what is best for someone else. I don't even know what is best for me. This has been proven, time and again, at least to my own satisfaction. How can I pretend to know what is best for anyone else, at least in the abstract?
What I have been able to learn is how to discern the best for myself in any given moment; and this, too, has to do with meditation. It has to do with having the experience, again and again, of getting in touch with nature, through meditation, in order that I am able to feel the intent of nature within myself. The movement of cosmic intelligence. The flow of evolution.
By stepping out of the need to know anything, and out of the identity of one who knows, we begin to align ourselves with evolution; and from that perspective, the next right thing becomes ours for the asking. The next right thing rarely is to tell someone else what they should do, though it may involve supporting them as they find the answer for themselves.
Today I will take care of my side of the street, and help you with your side only if I'm asked. And even then, I will be careful only to share something other than my opinions.
 Garbage Truck, Canal St., New York
All material copyright Jeff Kober
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