What do we do if someone is holding a resentment against us? As discussed before, the short answer is: what you (or anyone) thinks of me is none of my business.
But now, in deference to those among us for whom this is not always easy (and yes, I include myself in this category), we'll make a somewhat more extensive investigation.
Hypothetical: Let's say you step on someone's toes. Ouch, they might say. You stepped on my toes.
Wow. Sorry. I didn't mean to.
No worries. Not a big deal. (This is what they say, but you intuit something more there.)
You sure? I mean, that must have hurt. I'm so sorry.
No, really. I'm fine.
And they smile at you, a pained smile, but they keep rubbing their toes, and when you leave, you look back and they're talking to someone else who looks in the direction you've gone in and you can just tell they're saying all sorts of things about you and what a rat-bastard toe-stepper you are. This makes you feel bad, because you know it was an accident and you don't want someone to be thinking bad about you, or talking bad about you.
Now what?
We can do a thought experiment here:
1) Apologize. Already tried that. Maybe a better apology? What would that even look like?
2) Take responsibility. Maybe they want you to admit you did it on purpose. Maybe to them it hurt like you must have done it on purpose, they always knew you were that kind of toe-stepping person and now, finally, they've been proven right. So, can you say you did it on purpose? Even if you didn't? Of course not. So that's out.
3) Feel bad. You did. You tried to show that when you apologized. You made a feel-bad face and put it into your voice. Feel worse. Really? How much worse? As bad as they feel. Like, maybe have someone step on your toes? Let them step on your toes? Even if you did that, what would it do? Would it make them feel better? Would it take away the pain in their toes? Nope. It would just give you sore toes, a resentment of your own and in the end it would change nothing for them.
4) Offer them lots of money. (Okay, maybe this sounds absurd, but in my own corner of the world it seems this is something someone would like me to do in order to make it better for them, so just play along, if you would.) So, how much money is a stepped-on toe worth? Whatever amount that is + how long will the toe hurt and how much will it effect one and one's future earnings and one's ability to enjoy life? + how much should you tack on as punishment just to make sure you never, ever step on anyone's toes again? + how much will it take to make me stop resenting you? they might ask, and of course the answer, when you add it all up, is,
"bigger than space, bigger than the sky, there's no possible amount that would/could make me stop hating you resenting you being angry at you, as long as I DON'T WANT TO."
Which leads us back to "what you think of me is none of my business."
We humans are in the business of walking around, of dancing, of moving with and near and opposite to each other and every other being with feet in our vicinity. One thing that absolutely is guaranteed is that, Toes Will Be Stepped On. Mine, yours, ours together, everyone around us. At our best, we remember that we have feet and that occasionally we are clumsy, so when someone steps on our toes, we can smile through the pain and let them off the hook; and at our really, really best, we remember that sometimes we don't remember how clumsy we are, and when that someone won't let us off the hook for stepping on their toes, we can let them off the hook for that. For being unforgiving. For holding on to their resentment of us.
Eventually, one day, they may want to be our friend again, and they'll come to us and we'll discuss the affair of the toes; and even if they don't, even if they decide never to speak to us again, it doesn't make them rat-bastard non-forgiving toe-steppers. It just makes them human. Like me.
Today, I will try to see everyone who gets in my way or steps on my toes or refuses to forgive me as human. And I will secretly and quietly send them blessings. 
Train, Night, Allahabad, India All material copyright Jeff Kober |
