What you think of me is none of my business.

Terry Cole-Whittaker

So then, what of someone who is holding a resentment against me? 

Opportunity!

Really. Opportunity to practice love. If someone is holding a resentment against me, it's because they have determined some fact about me, some "truth" about who I am that causes them to have strong, uncomfortable feelings toward me. They have decided that I am something (mean, arrogant, dishonest, two-faced) that is unworthy of love; further, they have taken it upon themselves to carry this judgment forward, lest I be let off the hook.

So, how do I get myself off the hook? I don't. It's not my hook. I have little or no control over what someone else thinks about me. I mean really--there are times in my life I have little or no control over what I'm thinking myself. What makes me think I can change the thoughts of someone else? So what do I do instead? 

Learn to love. Example:

I once inadvertently offended a man from a social circle of which I am a member, and though I apologized for my gruffness (one of my less charming character traits), I could see I was not forgiven. But instead of resenting him for resenting me, I took it upon myself to treat him as I would treat a friend and a peer. I made a point of saying hello each time I saw him, I shook his hand, acknowledged and thanked him when he spoke things in our circle that were helpful to me. This was in no way disingenuous. I genuinely liked the guy and I valued his point of view (except where it had to do with me). I simply didn't allow him the power to determine my feelings about him.The result? He softened, somehow, and today I can call him a friend.

Let's say there's someone close to me who has determined that my shortcomings are punishable offenses and has let me know this in no uncertain terms. This person does not wish to discuss, nor care to adjust their thinking, is not interested in rapprochement. This person would like only for me to feel bad. Let's say further that there's no amount of "feeling bad" that would even begin to lessen this persons desire for me to melt into a puddle of shame at what an awful person I am. Let's even say that in this case, this person has said as much, so that it's clear this is not just my imagination. What do I do?

This one's even easier than the example above. In this case the resenter has made it clear that there's nothing real I can do to make it up to them, so the only choice I have is to love. I simply remind myself that I do not need their permission to love them. But because of the level of bad feeling, perhaps I'll love them from a bit of a distance. And maybe one day things will change.

If we truly are here on this earth to learn how to love, these are the opportunities in which learning really can take place. It's a piece of cake to love someone we're in a relationship with--a lover, a close friend. Proximity and reciprocity rather insist on us doing that. But find the way to love someone whose look maybe could set you on fire--that builds a muscle.

Today I will try to send love toward someone who maybe doesn't love me.