The Double Standard

Let's face it, we all know that there is a double standard. Men can get away with being strong, even aggressive in a way that women simply can't (not without being called a you-know-what, of course).

So many women take a more passive approach - you know what I mean, volunteering to take on more work (even when your plate is full), not being able to say "no," apologizing for things that weren't your fault, starting sentences with "maybe I'm wrong, but..." These are just a few of the ways we women undermine ourselves at work.

Problem is, research shows that when women choose the above passive approach, we don't make as much money or get promoted as often as men. But aggressive behavior is far less acceptable in a woman than a man.

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Assertive vs. Aggressive

Many people will tell you that the answer is for women to learn to be "assertive" rather than aggressive. Assertive is that sweet spot between aggressive and passive. Problem is, my research and even a personal experiment I conducted (more on that later) shows that even assertive behavior is often perceived as aggressive when it's coming from a woman, particularly in certain situations.

Research by Catalyst, a non-profit research group who studied gender stereotypes, indicates that "no matter how women choose to lead, they are perceived as 'never just right.'" 

Judge Judy: The Quintessential Bit**

What's more... "if women business leaders act consistent with gender stereotypes, they are considered too soft. If they go against gender stereotypes, they are considered too tough." [May 10, 2009 Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work by Mickey Meece]

It's like were constantly walking on a tightrope between "Bit**" and "Sucker." What's an ambitious woman to do?

Of course, it could all be part of the same double standard. Both men and women have, after all, been similarly socialized to view assertive behavior as less acceptable in a woman than in a man. However, that double standard may only be one part of the equation.

The other piece is that women are often harder on each other than they are on men.

When I broach this subject, sometimes I encounter resistance: "I've had great experiences with women bosses" or "I've found that women mentor and nurture each other." But more often than not I hear emphatic agreement, followed by horror stories of jealousy, backstabbing, lying and gossiping among women at work.

A recent New York Times article covered the topic in a story called "Women Bullying Other Women."