What if what our loved ones really want most for the holidays cannot be bought in a store?
 
In our high-tech, low-touch society, many of us find ourselves craving connection, intimacy, and love. No matter how much we tend to avoid it, and as vulnerable as it may feel for many of us, this connection is our deepest desire.
 
We believe the biggest problems in our schools, communities, and families are not drug abuse, alcoholism, poverty, violence, or even suicide. Those are the symptoms of the biggest problems. We believe the biggest problems are separation, isolation, and loneliness. If we are feeling lonely, it is not because of a lack of people around us; it is because of a lack of love and connection between us.
 
The holidays are a time for love, magic, fun, celebration, and connection. Yet, for many they have become a time of stress, over-eating, drinking, watching TV, chit-chat, and frantic spending, desperately trying to find something to give to our loved ones to let them know how much we care.
 
Is it really things that we want? Or is it the moments of real love and connection that lead to a lifetime of memories?
 
We personally know how scary it can be to step out of our comfort zones and risk creating new traditions or trying new things with our family and friends. It takes courage to suggest activities that create vulnerability. The very idea can cause skeptical eyes to roll, or evoke snide comments and other forms of resistance. When we started Challenge Day 20 years ago, some people thought we were crazy. They did not believe our work could not be done in schools. Now we have waiting lists of people begging for our programs. Our families now cherish the "touchy feely" moments that we initiated.
 
 
1. Don't let toughness scare you. No matter how tough we look on the outside, inside we all want the same things. We suggest humor, fun, flexibility, and avoiding power struggles. Sentences like, "Let's just try it for fun," or "Just humor us," have worked well for us in initiating new ideas.
 
2. Be grateful. Hold hands with your family or friends, and give each person a chance to share what they are grateful for. This can be done before or during a meal, or any time people are gathered.
 
3.Get real. Getting real ("dropping the waterline") can be as easy as having everyone simply complete the sentence "If you really knew me you would know..." over and over again. Lovingly and playfully, make sure everyone gets full attention. If the speaker stops quickly, you can gently invite them to continue by asking, "What else?"  We encourage you to take the lead and model how to drop the waterline. The more real and vulnerable you have the courage to be, the more the group will follow. Trust the process. Watch it unfold. If tears come up, which they usually do, gently let the group know you love and invite tears. The goal is intimacy, not any specific feeling. Remind the group they cannot do this wrong. Be open to joy, humor, love, grief, or any emotion that is present.
 
4. On New Year's Day, watch Challenge Day on Oprah with friends and family, and then take part in the "If you really knew me..." activity. For ideas, read the article on the New Year's Day rebroadcast of "Oprah's High School Challenge."
 
5. Give validations and compliments. During the holidays, shortly before Grandpa died, we had everyone in our family address one person at a time and share what we loved about him or her. There was some resistance at first. Then everyone's hearts began to open up. We videotaped the entire experience. Grandpa was the biggest star as he stepped way out of his "be a man box" and allowed his tears to roll down his cheeks. It was beautiful to watch as he openly expressed how much each one of us meant to him. The videotape can now be his legacy and passed on from generation to generation.
 
6. Share your favorite memories. A video camera can document your memories forever. Dad has Alzheimer's disease and does not remember anything or anyone. This year, we are going to interview Mom sharing the story of how she and Dad fell in love and all the memories (joyful and hard) of their life together. The videotape is a lasting gift.
 
7. Create visions and goals for the New Year.  

Notice: Take time to reflect on the past year.
Choose: Create a vision of what you want for the coming year.
Act: Write down your dreams and goals.

Be sure to describe yourself in your highest vision of who you are and how you will be as a person in the coming year. Once this becomes a tradition, you can invite people to read their letters aloud from the year before to celebrate or to laugh at what actually came to be. Read your new letters aloud, so that everyone may hold your vision throughout the coming year.
 
8. Celebrate diversity. Learn about and participate in other traditions, rituals, and celebrations. Invite friends to attend a gathering or celebration different from yours.
 
9. Let your little kids out to play. Sing, dance, and have fun. Get down on the floor with the kids. Play games and sing karaoke. This is fantastic, especially for people who feel self-conscious about their voices. Old-fashioned caroling with hot chocolate and candles is always a hit. Dance! Let your little kid out to play. Include everyone, young and old. Musical instruments and music from different traditions add to the fun. Enroll some of your more daring friends and relatives to help get the ball rolling.
 
10. Notice and be present. Take time to appreciate everyone and everything. Be in the moment. Be present with one person at a time. Give the gift of listening. Look into people's eyes. Open your heart, see the beauty, smell the smells, taste the food, and feel your feelings. Laugh, hug, cry, and say, "I love you" as much as possible. Ask yourself the question, "If I knew today was going to be my last day on this planet, how would I be today? What would I say? How would I treat people? What has not been said or done?"
 
We are ecstatic to be welcoming in the New Year with you! We congratulate you for any and all ways--big and small--that you are able to Be the Change.  Be sure to let us know how things go.  We'd love to hear your successes, miracles and breakthrough with family and friends. 

We end 2007 with gratitude for all the ways you are holding our hands, and helping to create a world where everyone feels safe, loved, and celebrated.
 
--Rich & Yvonne