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Yesterday marked a milestone for the McCullough
family. It has been two years since my husband,
Richard, came home from the hospital after 72 days.
He suffered a traumatic head injury after the front tire
of his bicycle blew out going down the hill on South
Boulder Road (into
Boulder from McCaslin). He spent 25 days in the
neurosurgical ICU at St. Anthony's Central; 7 of them
in a coma. Then he went to Craig Hospital for rehab
to learn to walk again. He has recovered so well you
would not even know he had been injured. But on
August 1, 2006 our lives were changed forever; that's
just a fact.
Last week, he came home from a
bike ride and told me he was thinking about selling
his Madone, the same expensive Trek bike Lance
Armstrong rides. When I asked why, he said because
he couldn't keep up with other riders anymore. I told
him that didn't matter. He was alive and healthy and
riding again. The whole month of August 2006
doesn't exist for him, so he does not know how close
he came to death. Someday I will be able to tell him
the whole story, instead of the occasional bits and
pieces, which is all can do emotionally now.
But what Richard needed was a perspective about
where he was and how far he has come. And he
needed to be reminded of how truly blessed we are
that our little family is still in tact and the gratitude I
have for each day. What do you need perspective on
in your life?
Here is some Advice from a
Bear to help put things in perspective;
- Live Large
- Climb Beyond Your Limitations
- When Life get Hairy, Grin and Bear it
- Eat Well
- Live with the Seasons
- Take a Good, Long Nap
- Look After Your Honey
Enjoy the week.
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Unity, not Uniformity.
There is a difference.
The dictionary is such a wonderful book! According to
Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh
Edition, unity is the quality or state of not being
multiple, a condition of harmony. On the other hand,
uniformity means having always the same form or
manner, consistent in conduct or opinion, conforming
to one rule or mode. That sounds very dull to
me.
In this election year it is very easy to
confuse the two. We become so polarized over
politics. We want everyone to believe as we do, but
then what would happen? First off, we would be very
bored; everything would be the same. But where
would new ideas come from, new inventions, new
ways of looking at the world? It is because we lack
uniformity that we move ahead. It is our differences
that make us special and unique. Imagine where we
would be if Albert Einstein was like everybody
else?
Unity is a totally different thing. It's not
being divided, it's getting along, it's working together.
We can respect each other regardless of our political
or religious beliefs or lack there of. If we can't do that,
how are we ever going to move forward as individuals,
as a nation, as a world? So, whether Republican,
Democrat or Independent; whether Christian,
Muslim, Jew or none of the above; whether Black,
White, Yellow, Red or poke-a-dot; let's remember it's
unity not uniformity, that's the goal.
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Generativity Versus Ambition.
A take on Wall Street.
I have lost track of what week this is of the financial
crisis, but I think that it is week three or four. Thus far
it doesn't seem like the bailout plan is working very
well. I have been thinking about what went wrong,
though. It's a very complex situation and not being an
economist, I'm not sure I understand all the fine
points. But I do know one thing, greed and ambition
had a lot to do with it.
Erik Erikson was a
student of Freud and, after studying with Freud for a
while, he came up with his own developmental
theory. One of his eight steps in development is
generativity, which Erikson defined as living a useful
life, giving back and helping future generations. It
grows out of immense gratitude and makes the world
a better place. It requires ambition and the drive to
succeed, but is tempered with humanity and humility.
Think Bill Gates. He could just as easily keep all the
money he makes, but what would he do with it? You
can only buy so many things and as we talked about
last week, money doesn't buy happiness. Did you
know that Bill Gates gives more money to fight
HIV/AIDS in Africa than any other country or
organization? That is generativity.
Now think of what would be the opposite of
generativity. Perhaps power, envy, lust and even
revenge would be good words to use. Have you ever
met people for whom success is worth it no matter the
price? Who are so ambitious they don't care who they
hurt to get where they want to go? They may have the
ambition to succeed, but at what terrible cost? Think
Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin.
Don't
misunderstand me, ambition can be a good thing. It's
what gets us through college and into a good job. It's
what creates great musicians and singers. And it's
ambition that drives us to succeed, whether it's getting
the job you want or standing on top of Mount Everest.
People with ambition are responsible, eager, often
creative and hardworking. They are people like you
and me. Ambition works and it's generally a good
thing.
But I would say that ambition has run
amok of late. I read in the news that while Lehman
Brothers was begging for a bailout, they were paying
fired execs millions of dollars in severance. The
ambition that these men and women had when they
started turned into greed and lust until they saw
nothing wrong with accepting millions of dollars even
though the financial institutions they lead were failing.
They became blinded by their own ambition and
success. They lost all perspective on what was
important. And unfortunately, many people are getting
hurt. Am I angry or disdainful of these people? No, I
feel sorry for them. Do I believe they should be held
accountable. Absolutely! Can you imagine what
would happen if one executive gave back the
severance package and dared others to do the
same? That would be an example of
generativity.
Generativity is making your life
worthwhile and leaving something for others. It's
doing what's important to you and helpful to society.
So write the next great novel, open the best restaurant
in town, raise your kids the best way you know how.
Because not only will you be better for it, but so will the
world.
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However, That Is Not To Say...
The grass is always greener on the other side.
I am reading a book by Michael Yaconelli entitled
Dangerous Wonder. Yaconelli went into the
ministry and spent 25 years in church related work,
but still felt lost and unfulfilled. This book is about
finding his way again. Although written from a
Christian perspective, I think any one can get a lot out
of the stories and then you can skip the rest, if you are
so inclined.
Yaconelli tells about how cows
get lost. We have all seen the occasional stray cow
that has gotten on the other side of the fence. You
see, the cow doesn't mean to get lost. He is simply
nibbling on a nice green tuft of grass in the middle of
the field, moving from one delicious green tuft to
another. Before you know it the cow has moved all the
way across the field to the fence where, of course,
there is another luscious tuft of grass on the other
side of the fence. So the cow stumbles through an
old tear in the fence and finds himself out of the
pasture and by the road. The point is the cow did not
intend to get lost, he just keep on nibbling his way
through life and got lost.
Isn't that a lot like
us.
We just keep going through life doing what we do.
Eating the tuft of education, the tuft of a new car, the
tuft of a house, the tuft of credit cards until we too are
outside the pasture. I am guilty of being a little
impulsive, spending money when I could really live
without. (Now I'm glad we didn't start the $200,000
house remodel I wanted). So, getting back to the
whole financial mess, maybe we got a little over
ambitious about what we could afford and what we
really needed. I know I did. I
really didn't need that day at the spa, although it was
wonderful, or the new pair of shoes. The one thing we
can do right now is to set an example for Wall Street to
follow. Don't get lost and get on the other side of the
fence. Stay in the pasture.
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Good Fences.
Make good boundaries.
Did you know that Robert Frost is the one who
said "good fences make good neighbors"? I would
like to say that "good boundaries make a good life."
Have you met people who have great boundaries and
consequently a very happy, successful
life.
They are people who do one thing at a
time. They are focused, determined and persistent.
They do not get distracted by other's drama or
problems. They don't waste their time and energy on
non-essentials. I find myself doing too much and
wonder why I don't achieve what's important to
me.
It's hard to "just say no" to outrageous
demands. We want to be loving and supportive. As a
result, we work hard doing trivial things that
are "urgent" for other people. We end up exhausted
and frustrated because we don't have good
boundaries. Build a tight fence around your work and
life. Define what you will do and what you won't do,
and then stick to it. Yes, I know your husband wants
dinner and your daughter wants to go to Target, but
you
have worked all day and have a meeting in the
evening. So what are your choices? Husband makes
dinner and you make a deal with your daughter to take
her to Target another night. (Yes, I did pinky swear to
the Target thing.)
But it is also important
to "fence out" new opportunities. Yes, you read that
right. We live in a world of endless opportunities. You
can go to school, start a new business, take a trip to a
foreign country, or buy another house while they're on
sale this year. Okay, maybe not, but opportunities
abound! The key is to pick a couple of thing and do
them well. For me it's being a good therapist and
coach; being a good, supportive wife; and raising my
daughter the best I can. But it's also setting
boundaries so I can take care of me also; exercise,
pray and meditate, read a good book, and sing. And
do a lot of it because in this crazy ever-changing fast-
paced world we live in, you need to set boundaries
around self-care.
It's tough to set boundaries
around friends and loved ones. And, obviously, I'm not
talking about putting limits on the quality of our
relationships. Love and friendship is what life is all
about! But, you don't have to answer the phone every
time it rings and say yes to everything. It's hard to be
disciplined in balancing your life, family, relationships
and work. You can get so caught up in your work, that
you lose your family and friends. Or you can spend so
much time with family, friends and community
functions that your work suffers, both inside and
outside the home.
We want to be nice. We
value our relationships, and our friends and family are
wonderful people. No wonder we want to put them
first. But good boundaries will make you rich in every
sense of the word. So don't get lost on the other side
of the fence. Keep your boundaries strong.
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Grace and Peace,
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