October 13, 2008 
 Soul Food Newsletter
 Women Nurturing Women
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Photo by Kevin Krayna

Yesterday marked a milestone for the McCullough family. It has been two years since my husband, Richard, came home from the hospital after 72 days. He suffered a traumatic head injury after the front tire of his bicycle blew out going down the hill on South Boulder Road (into Boulder from McCaslin). He spent 25 days in the neurosurgical ICU at St. Anthony's Central; 7 of them in a coma. Then he went to Craig Hospital for rehab to learn to walk again. He has recovered so well you would not even know he had been injured. But on August 1, 2006 our lives were changed forever; that's just a fact.

Last week, he came home from a bike ride and told me he was thinking about selling his Madone, the same expensive Trek bike Lance Armstrong rides. When I asked why, he said because he couldn't keep up with other riders anymore. I told him that didn't matter. He was alive and healthy and riding again. The whole month of August 2006 doesn't exist for him, so he does not know how close he came to death. Someday I will be able to tell him the whole story, instead of the occasional bits and pieces, which is all can do emotionally now. But what Richard needed was a perspective about where he was and how far he has come. And he needed to be reminded of how truly blessed we are that our little family is still in tact and the gratitude I have for each day. What do you need perspective on in your life?

Here is some Advice from a Bear to help put things in perspective;

  • Live Large
  • Climb Beyond Your Limitations
  • When Life get Hairy, Grin and Bear it
  • Eat Well
  • Live with the Seasons
  • Take a Good, Long Nap
  • Look After Your Honey

Enjoy the week.

 Unity, not Uniformity.
 There is a difference.

The dictionary is such a wonderful book! According to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition, unity is the quality or state of not being multiple, a condition of harmony. On the other hand, uniformity means having always the same form or manner, consistent in conduct or opinion, conforming to one rule or mode. That sounds very dull to me.

In this election year it is very easy to confuse the two. We become so polarized over politics. We want everyone to believe as we do, but then what would happen? First off, we would be very bored; everything would be the same. But where would new ideas come from, new inventions, new ways of looking at the world? It is because we lack uniformity that we move ahead. It is our differences that make us special and unique. Imagine where we would be if Albert Einstein was like everybody else?

Unity is a totally different thing. It's not being divided, it's getting along, it's working together. We can respect each other regardless of our political or religious beliefs or lack there of. If we can't do that, how are we ever going to move forward as individuals, as a nation, as a world? So, whether Republican, Democrat or Independent; whether Christian, Muslim, Jew or none of the above; whether Black, White, Yellow, Red or poke-a-dot; let's remember it's unity not uniformity, that's the goal.


 


 Generativity Versus Ambition.
 A take on Wall Street.

I have lost track of what week this is of the financial crisis, but I think that it is week three or four. Thus far it doesn't seem like the bailout plan is working very well. I have been thinking about what went wrong, though. It's a very complex situation and not being an economist, I'm not sure I understand all the fine points. But I do know one thing, greed and ambition had a lot to do with it.

Erik Erikson was a student of Freud and, after studying with Freud for a while, he came up with his own developmental theory. One of his eight steps in development is generativity, which Erikson defined as living a useful life, giving back and helping future generations. It grows out of immense gratitude and makes the world a better place. It requires ambition and the drive to succeed, but is tempered with humanity and humility. Think Bill Gates. He could just as easily keep all the money he makes, but what would he do with it? You can only buy so many things and as we talked about last week, money doesn't buy happiness. Did you know that Bill Gates gives more money to fight HIV/AIDS in Africa than any other country or organization? That is generativity.

Now think of what would be the opposite of generativity. Perhaps power, envy, lust and even revenge would be good words to use. Have you ever met people for whom success is worth it no matter the price? Who are so ambitious they don't care who they hurt to get where they want to go? They may have the ambition to succeed, but at what terrible cost? Think Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin.

Don't misunderstand me, ambition can be a good thing. It's what gets us through college and into a good job. It's what creates great musicians and singers. And it's ambition that drives us to succeed, whether it's getting the job you want or standing on top of Mount Everest. People with ambition are responsible, eager, often creative and hardworking. They are people like you and me. Ambition works and it's generally a good thing.

But I would say that ambition has run amok of late. I read in the news that while Lehman Brothers was begging for a bailout, they were paying fired execs millions of dollars in severance. The ambition that these men and women had when they started turned into greed and lust until they saw nothing wrong with accepting millions of dollars even though the financial institutions they lead were failing. They became blinded by their own ambition and success. They lost all perspective on what was important. And unfortunately, many people are getting hurt. Am I angry or disdainful of these people? No, I feel sorry for them. Do I believe they should be held accountable. Absolutely! Can you imagine what would happen if one executive gave back the severance package and dared others to do the same? That would be an example of generativity.

Generativity is making your life worthwhile and leaving something for others. It's doing what's important to you and helpful to society. So write the next great novel, open the best restaurant in town, raise your kids the best way you know how. Because not only will you be better for it, but so will the world.


 


 However, That Is Not To Say...
 The grass is always greener on the other side.

I am reading a book by Michael Yaconelli entitled Dangerous Wonder. Yaconelli went into the ministry and spent 25 years in church related work, but still felt lost and unfulfilled. This book is about finding his way again. Although written from a Christian perspective, I think any one can get a lot out of the stories and then you can skip the rest, if you are so inclined.

Yaconelli tells about how cows get lost. We have all seen the occasional stray cow that has gotten on the other side of the fence. You see, the cow doesn't mean to get lost. He is simply nibbling on a nice green tuft of grass in the middle of the field, moving from one delicious green tuft to another. Before you know it the cow has moved all the way across the field to the fence where, of course, there is another luscious tuft of grass on the other side of the fence. So the cow stumbles through an old tear in the fence and finds himself out of the pasture and by the road. The point is the cow did not intend to get lost, he just keep on nibbling his way through life and got lost.

Isn't that a lot like us. We just keep going through life doing what we do. Eating the tuft of education, the tuft of a new car, the tuft of a house, the tuft of credit cards until we too are outside the pasture. I am guilty of being a little impulsive, spending money when I could really live without. (Now I'm glad we didn't start the $200,000 house remodel I wanted). So, getting back to the whole financial mess, maybe we got a little over ambitious about what we could afford and what we really needed. I know I did. I really didn't need that day at the spa, although it was wonderful, or the new pair of shoes. The one thing we can do right now is to set an example for Wall Street to follow. Don't get lost and get on the other side of the fence. Stay in the pasture.


 


 Good Fences.
 Make good boundaries.

Did you know that Robert Frost is the one who said "good fences make good neighbors"? I would like to say that "good boundaries make a good life." Have you met people who have great boundaries and consequently a very happy, successful life.

They are people who do one thing at a time. They are focused, determined and persistent. They do not get distracted by other's drama or problems. They don't waste their time and energy on non-essentials. I find myself doing too much and wonder why I don't achieve what's important to me.

It's hard to "just say no" to outrageous demands. We want to be loving and supportive. As a result, we work hard doing trivial things that are "urgent" for other people. We end up exhausted and frustrated because we don't have good boundaries. Build a tight fence around your work and life. Define what you will do and what you won't do, and then stick to it. Yes, I know your husband wants dinner and your daughter wants to go to Target, but you have worked all day and have a meeting in the evening. So what are your choices? Husband makes dinner and you make a deal with your daughter to take her to Target another night. (Yes, I did pinky swear to the Target thing.)

But it is also important to "fence out" new opportunities. Yes, you read that right. We live in a world of endless opportunities. You can go to school, start a new business, take a trip to a foreign country, or buy another house while they're on sale this year. Okay, maybe not, but opportunities abound! The key is to pick a couple of thing and do them well. For me it's being a good therapist and coach; being a good, supportive wife; and raising my daughter the best I can. But it's also setting boundaries so I can take care of me also; exercise, pray and meditate, read a good book, and sing. And do a lot of it because in this crazy ever-changing fast- paced world we live in, you need to set boundaries around self-care.

It's tough to set boundaries around friends and loved ones. And, obviously, I'm not talking about putting limits on the quality of our relationships. Love and friendship is what life is all about! But, you don't have to answer the phone every time it rings and say yes to everything. It's hard to be disciplined in balancing your life, family, relationships and work. You can get so caught up in your work, that you lose your family and friends. Or you can spend so much time with family, friends and community functions that your work suffers, both inside and outside the home.

We want to be nice. We value our relationships, and our friends and family are wonderful people. No wonder we want to put them first. But good boundaries will make you rich in every sense of the word. So don't get lost on the other side of the fence. Keep your boundaries strong.


 


 Sue McCullough Counseling
 Go The Distance...Because Passion Takes Time

I will use authenticity and integrity to illuminate your path of self-discovery as you find and act on your passion. I will reframe situations and see alternatives to help you overcome obstacles and enjoy the journey.

My specialties include

Mental Health Issues:
  • Anxiety
  • Trauma
  • Depression
  • Crisis Intervention
  • Secondary Traumatic Stress
Personal and Career Coaching:
  • Spiritual Growth
  • Quality of life improvement
  • Creative Coaching in art, writing and music
Women's Issues:
  • Midlife personal and professional changes
  • Transition back into the workplace
  • Mother-daughter relationships
  • Infertility and adoption
Adolescents

Psych-K - a dynamic paradigm for change.

700 Front Street, Suite 204
Louisville
303-665-2676
Hours by appointment.


 


Grace and Peace,

 
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