This press release from Sardine Can co-owner Boyd Konowalski has just gone viral!!I formally annnounce today, that I am running for President of the United States!!
Screw running for mayor (the pay sucks and so does the job). Or state senator (I've met mine and if that douche can get elected, it's beneath me). I'm going for the glory baby!!!
I've been told that I need 8,000 signatures in Wisconsin to get on the ballot under an independent party ticket. I can get that. Shit, I can get 8,000 people to come into The Sardine Can and give me $10 to sign up!!! I will start my own political party. I was going to call it the Party Party but that may already be taken. Perhaps the Bachelor Party. Or the Toga party. This will be announced in the future.
Here are just a few of my refreshingly candid campaign planks:
1) All boob jobs will now be tax deductible. We need to get the WRONG boobs
out of Washington and the RIGHT boobs into your house!! If you already have a set
of bolt-ons, you can use the deduction to get another pair installed on your
back for slow dancing.
2) For all you single moms - I will not raise your taxes. I will stay out of your
pockets (but I will try to get in your pants)
3) Legalize marijuana. Put the Mexican druglords and the gang bangers out of
business. Tax it and make a fortune just like we do with booze.
A chicken in every pot. And some pot for every chicken.
4) If you are on welfare, you can't vote. You wanna pull the lever, start pulling a
paycheck.
5) My first $5,000 in campaign donations will go towards getting my girlfriend Amber
some huge ta-ta's (she's already agreed to wear a tshirt that says "these will get
some votes").
6) No more food stamps that are now debit cards so it looks like people are
actually paying for their food when EVERYONE ELSE IS. If you qualify for aid
you can get bags of rice, oatmeal, beans and dried milk. That's it. You want
pizza, beer or ice cream, get a job.
7) If you have money for tattoos, cigarettes, video games or cable TV, you don't need
any government help. Period.
8) No more aid for countries that hate our guts. You don't buy more drinks for some
chick who just threw one in your face (unless she's smoking, smoking hot).
9) Tell the United Nations to practice safe sex and go fuck themselves.
10) The White House should be a place for respectful intercourse. Did I say
intercourse???? Oops..... I meant discourse.
11) Gay marriage?? This is the sound of me trying to give a shit. Let em!!!!!
You don't want those guys marrying your daughter do you? And God doesn't hate
fags. If he does, why are they all better looking than the straights?
Yes, this is an audacious campaign. But people are tired of politicians who say all the right things and then get to Washington and start spending like...........well me at a Velcro Pygmies show. And tweeting photos of their junk to women across country. Just come to the Sardine Can - I'll show you my junk!!!
My campaign will be a foul-mouthed, politically incorrect, teleprompter-less, raunchy stampede across this country. We'll start with Green Bay, WI ---Titletown baby!! and work our way thru all the states violating every accepted campaign rule we can along the way.
All the usual Presidential campaign rules will not apply. Examples:
1) Listen up Iowa!!! You know how quick I'll end that ethanol boondoggle?? Quicker
than diarrhea - that's how quick!!
2) Immigrants: There will be a full fence along the border. And it will come up
faster than a supermodel's lunch!!!
Next week my new campaign web site will be up and running. We'll put the link in the Sardine Can update when it's ready.
Friends, let me finish by unveiling my campaign slogan, which was created by my campaign manager Chewy and six creative assistants (a six-pack of PBR):
ELECT BOYD. BECAUSE CHANGE IS HARD. ROCK HARD.
See you on the campaign trail!!!
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