Getting into the Pose:

Since my last newsletter about learning to live with uncertainty, many of you have come forward and shared your life struggles with me, such as beginning again after a divorce, losing a loved one, filing for bankruptcy, being laid off etc. The recurring theme in all of the experiences you shared with me was the fear of being inadequate or alone.

Feelings of inadequacy and loneliness are usually the result of low self-esteem.  Let's touch then on the subject of finding self-love in a competitive world where we are constantly being judged by our outward appearance, relationships and financial success rather than being valued by who we really are in our essence.

At four or five years old, we see ourselves for who we are in all of our glory. As we grow older and are re-programmed by society, we tend to forget our majesty and begin to think that self-appreciation is egotistical and arrogant. However, it's just the reverse - it is egotistical NOT to experience ourselves as expressions of love and goodness. After years of feeding our subconscious with untruths, we must step out of our cultural stories and disclaim our self-critical, self-condemnatory behavior so we can begin to live life with a different purpose and understanding.

The reason it is so difficult for most of us to love ourselves is that we believe that love is something we can only get from another being, something we can only find outside of ourselves. Many relationships (be them romantic, fraternal or professional) fail because we look in the other person for something we feel we are lacking in ourselves. We give to others based on what we want to receive from them, and when we don't get what we want we feel frustrated and unworthy of being loved.  To quote Thomas Merton: "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

The whole idea that we need something from a source outside of ourselves in order to be happy is an illusion. This thought is the biggest challenge we have to overcome, especially when we use our relationships with others to get what we think we need.  Love is about learning to get what we want from ourselves, not others.  All we want has already been given to us because all we need can actually be found within ourselves.  When there are no more holes in our hearts that need to be filled and we feel complete in ourselves, any relationships that come our way are a bonus, a surplus to an existence that is already full of love.

So how do we begin to make that shift towards finding the love we need within ourselves, rather than relying on an outside source?

Self-love takes constant practice. Yoga and meditation teach us to discover who we really are. When we hold a yoga pose or sit quietly and practice watching our thoughts and feelings, even when they are uncomfortable, we start to experience ourselves in an undistorted manner.  Over time, we begin to have realizations such as "I am enough for me."  The irony is that when we feel complete in ourselves and don't expect love and attention from others, they are more likely to give them to us freely. 

I close this editorial with a quote by my beloved Pranassage and Self-Awakening Yoga teacher, Don Stapleton, Ph.D.:

"Self-love radiates from the inside out as inspiration, kindness, lightheartedness, faith, sensitivity, truthfulness, humility, and every other quality that has the transformational power to kindle an enthusiasm for life."

Happy Spring!