Imagine a day without drudgery, no longer doing things because "I have to"; no longer telling myself I feel "unappreciated"  "manipulated"  " used"  or "ignored."   With the inner work of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which I am digging deeply into this week in Oregon with Robert Gonzales, we are learning and practicing orienting ourselves toward beauty in every moment- toward the beauty of needs; the needs I am choosing to meet in this moment. Needs for companionship, community, beauty, creativity. Needs for presence and love and compassion. They are all here, all energies for me to tap into in every moment, I can follow every thread of anger, despair and blame back to the beauty of a need- in those cases, the need itself is the yearning for action and words that are in harmony with what I am yearning for.

I can follow the thread of every feeling- overwhelm, fear, anger, confusion- the threads lead me to a precious and beautiful life energy in me that yearns for the world to be in harmony with.  When I follow the thread, I am orienting myself toward something precious and beautiful.

 So when my roommate on this retreat, a retreat where we are plunged into tenderness and vulnerability, up and moves to another room without telling me, I feel raw, scared, confused........hurt.  I feel those feelings and trace the thread from them to what my heart is yearning for in this moment- love, companionship, understanding, connection, acceptance.  

I inquire inside- what is causing the hurt and pain? I find thinking about myself- shame, embarrassment, guilt-and thinking about her- inconsiderate, insensitive...I follow the thread in those thoughts to what I am truly yearning for-

To matter, to count, to be seen. I follow the thread again- there it is again, love, understanding, acceptance.

   Each time,  when I follow the thread and arrive in love, understanding, acceptance, I feel a physical shift in my heart- an opening, a softening...........love, understanding, acceptance........

Then, in a group session here in the Oregon rainforest, towering trees dripping with dew and moss, I hear the same woman speak about the pain she is in everyday as she observes herself pull back from people in anger and judgment. Drivers on the road, people she encounters everyday.  I watch her tears flow and hear her yearning to connect and to quiet the voices in her that pull her into desolate separateness.

She, and all of us with her, follow the thread from her thoughts and feelings to  her yearning for ease and connection, for peace.

As I sense my heart opening to her, the images of her that had been created in my mind melt away as the energies of understanding and compassion arise and envelope me.

Again, she speaks in the group, and shares how she refuses to be silenced, refuses to not speak and act her peace- and how often the way she does that leads her to isolation and separateness. She uses words like "people are mean, dishonest, rude."

Again, we follow the thread in this set of her feelings from "mean, dishonest, rude" to  her yearning for consideration, honesty, being seen... to love.

All day, whenever  I encounter thoughts of blame, shame, guilt, depression, I follow their threads.

With every action I take I follow the threads-

The thread lead me back to the energies of love, self care, self acceptance, yearning for a world where everyone counts, where everyone feels joy and comfort.....

I feel these energies sparkling thru me.

Life herself.

I bring them into seemingly mundane activities- taking a walk, making a to do list.......calling my mother on the phone, answering an email...

The thread leads me to deeper self connection, to satisfaction, to joy and delight with the task, with the moment, with life.

Li

Dear Friends,

This is an exciting week for me! On Tuesday we begin the journey into exploring and practicing how Nonviolent Communication deepens and elevates our Parenting Adult Children. Then on Friday I head up to beautiful New Hampshire for a weekend retreat intensive of basic empathy practices. Space is available in both and I"d love to share the drive to New Hampshire with a few of you.

On Yom Kippur we explored the connection between NVC and forgiveness- not forgiveness from a place of right and wrong, good and bad; instead, forgiveness from a place of mourning the loss of access to energies that are so important to me- trust, connection, love, appreciation, belonging, safety-  we mourn that something happened between me and myself or me and another person that blocked core life energies for me--what Marshall Rosenberg calls "needs": what the Yom Kippur liturgy calls "Divine Attributes"; we can call them values, spiritual energies; so we mourn our disconnect from them in the triggered moments- mourn this by returning to ourself, to our own experience of what happened- instead of putting our energy out there to another person;this return to yourself, called Returning to the Land of Your Soul in the Jewish liturgy, is the process of self empathy in Nonviolent Communication.

 After we refill our own empathy cup, a natural curiosity will incline our hearts to wonder-what was so important to the other person. This natural opening to understanding the other person's experience and needs is the road to forgiveness.

We explored this at Romemu in NYC on Yom Kippur afternoon. Several people reported that they felt an opening inside that had been blocked for years and years and years.

A wish a joyful meaningful and sweet sweet new year to everyone.

Parenting Adult Children

by Roberta Wall

When your thirty something unemployed daughter tells you she isn't going to take a job that is being handed to her, or your son tells you he is taking out another credit card to buy another stereo, or (fill in the blank with news you may hear from your adult children that is less than wonderful for you to hear)   how do you respond?

My guess is that if you do or say anything without taking some time to check inside yourself and do what you need to do to reconnect with what's really important to you- you or they- or both of you-  will end up regretting what you do or say.

How do we learn to PAUSE in these moments, to center, to touch what is the most important thing to us- all with the ease and skill to stay connected to our children in that moment?

This is the exploration I am looking forward to in the upcoming Parenting Adult Children series beginning next Tuesday evening in Woodstock.

When I see or hear something that triggers me- such as one of the above scenarios- I may feel tense, scared, concerned; really wanting my adult child's well being, wanting awareness, growth and security. I may feel frustrated and anxious because effectiveness and contribution are so important to me as a parent. I may feel scared because I want independence and I am worried that decisions they make may impact on my own independence, or on theirs. Maybe I feel sad and distressed because I value certain ways of living on the planet, - contribution, compassion, and awareness- that don't seem to jive with the behaviors I am observing.

There is so much going on in me, that I'm not even close to seeing what is important to them- important to them about telling me their decision; important to them about the decision itself.

How can I connect with them if I can't see my way to what's important to them?

My responsibility is to cultivate this self awareness- to understand the complexity of my own response. To then let them know that this is what I am doing. Here is -at last- is the place for honesty, the beginning of honesty in this relationship- when I share what's going on in me- without any blame toward you- I am just really seeing into myself here.

I may say to them- please stop me the moment you hear blame or judgment from me because this isn't what I want you to hear- I want to speak without blame or guilt tripping or judging. I want to share how this is for me so that I can unblock and hear how it is for you.