Coming up in the fall: Trainings for Educators, Mediators and Jewish Communities More information for listings are on my website:www.steps2peace.com
Here's how NVC trainer Robert Gonzales explains how to self connect before speaking out:
Daily Reflection by Robert Gonzales
When you have emotional pain, go into your bodily experience and just
breathe. Notice if you have any judgmental thoughts or a story associated
with that contracting pain. Notice if there is any part of you that wants
this pain to go away, wants to fix it, wants something other than complete and
unconditional acceptance of what is within you. This kind of self-examination
will reveal whether or not you are pushing away something that is actually
there.
More Empathic/Compassionate/
Nonviolent Communication events:
Looking for an NVC Practice Group or Empathy Buddy? Send me an email and I will try to hook you up! info@steps2peace.com
Poughkeepsie:
There is an NVC practice group in Poughkeepsie that meets every Monday
evening
at 6. This group has been ongoing since last winter and is welcoming new
members. Contact Ralph Stein, at steinralph07@gmail.com
or 845 590 7997 New Paltz: Susan Reeves continues to host two practice groups a week! http://www.practicingpeace-newpaltz.com/
I am currently booking NVC trainings in Israel and Palestine for next winter. I offer this freely and would appreciate any support from you- contacts, financial, partnership. Roberta 's blog about her two month trip to Israel and Palestine
during
which she offered NVC trainings to Israelis and
Palestinians. Check her blog for experiences offering NVC in Israel
and Palestine and also in Plum Village, the home monastery of renowned
Zen master Thich
Nhat Hanh's community. http://robertaindia.wordpress.com/
Nonviolent Communication and basic Mindfulness are a great
combination for conscious parenting. Curfews, cell phones in schools, safety, "tantrums", the f..
word--- These are some of the hot issues in our communities involving young
people.
When something happens in the home that
"stimulates" me- so I feel tension, stress, anger, hurt.... I can pause and return to myself- to my experience
of what happened- as a way of getting off automatic pilot, as a way of
preventing a triggered reaction that I'm going to regret later.
Returning to myself- I say to myself, "wow' when I hear her
say that, or see her do that, I feel a knot in my belly; tension in my jaw and
neck. Stay with that. Stay with that until the emotion that it's locking up
reveals itself to me- I can use the NVC feelings charts to identify the
emotions- http://www.cnvc.org/en/Training/feelings-inventory
Oh, I feel sad, or scared, or frustrated....
Stay with that, stay with that, until the need behind the
feeling reveals itself to me- my need, something, energy so important to my
being, that wants to be met so deeply that it triggers all these reactions when
I can't access it- http://www.cnvc.org/en/Training/needs-inventory
Oh, yes, I really want...cooperation, safety, presence,
meaning... I care so deeply about my child's well being, about the well being of
children, about the planet...
If I come up with feelings such as anger, guilt and ashamed-
I know I have some thinking, some images, judgments and concepts that are
fueling my feelings- and I want to free myself from them so I can return to my
heart- I free myself from them by listening to them- what are they telling me?
What do they want for me?
I will empathically listen to the judgments, feelings of
guilt and shame and embarrassment, to unlock the energy of important needs and
values of mine-
After connection, after mutual connection, I can express
honestly what is important to me.
http://www.cnvc.org/en/Training/the-nvc-model If I try to tell the other person what I want or what's going on for me before I create self connection and connection with them- valuing equally what 's important to them and what's important to me- my experience
is that it will not be heard as I really want it to be heard; it will not be
received as I'm longing for it to be received. This is why Marshall Rosenberg
calls this a tragic expression of unmet needs- tragic because it won't create the
quality of connection within the family that I am longing for.
Returning to myself- staying with the experience of what
happened, how my sense organs- sight, hearing, touch etc- take it in, how my
mind translates it- taking care of these feelings and thoughts before I
respond- deepens my own capacity for love and insight and creates the condition
for a deeper and more effective connection with my loved ones.
Daily Reflection by Robert
Gonzales, Center for Nonviolent Communication
My
understanding of empathy is approaching experience as whatever is
alive, whatever it is. Empathy carries this awareness, "I don't want to
change you, I simply want to invite you to be here and I want to be
present." This is compassion.
From Roberta-What is empathy? What can I do to cultivate this quality in myself- toward myself and toward others? Robert Gonzales teaches that empathy is when we are present with someone,or ourselves, without any pressure-- pressure to fix,correct, improve, solve,educate, enlighten-- because where there is pressure, there is an absence of empathy.
Notice when you are listening to someone, do you feel any constriction in your throat, chest, jaw or belly? Are your shoulders tight? This may indicate that there is pressure within you to change or fix something in the other person--this inner pressure in you blocks the flow of empathy
To open up the flow, you can choose to breathe into the constriction in your body, see if you can identify an emotion it is holding. Then see what need of yours isn't being met in the moment, and breathe into that. (You may ask the person for a few moments' pause in their sharing while you are doing this!)
When you feel relaxation, your presence will naturally open up, and you can enjoy being present without pressure.
"I don't want to
change you, I simply want to invite you to be here and I want to be
present." This is compassion.
More from Robert Gonzales:
When some aspect of ourselves is not in the light of
awareness, it becomes the shadow. And it has power over us to the extent
that we are not looking at it or conscious of it. It becomes enacted
through the protective structures. What is in our shadow experience is
actually life energy itself held in a knot of contraction. When we shine
the light of compassionate presence on it, it starts to relax, open
and release.
From Roberta:
I especially like the first
sentence- the "shadow", and its power, is
not fixed or static, not different in that respect from any dharma; it
is part of the mindfulness process; like Thich Nhat Hanh says, mindfulness is always mindfulness of something; when we don't bring mindfulness to something inside ourselves,
the shadow is created...
The third sentence is how we work with this with NVC- we recognize and
embrace it as life energy itself held in a knot of contraction. We hold it, listen to it, step into its energetic flow, and give it empathy. And,in turning it inward to ourselves, we shine
the light of compassionate presence on it, it starts to relax, open
and release. It will teach us what is so important to our beingness that it sticks around.
With NVC, the next step is to incorporate the needs locked up in this shadow side into a request of ourself.
