NVC and Caregiving; Empathy and Caregiving, by Roberta Wall,

www.steps2peace.com
 

"Empathy before Education" and "Connect Before You Correct" are two of the NVC sayings that are really alive for me right now. I'm going to post them near my phone, along with "breathe" and "Roberta, take your time."

 I just returned from a crash course in the wisdom and effectiveness of these teachings- of the practice of empathy- an emergency "care giving" visit to my mother in Florida.

As I listened to my mother talk about the circumstances that led up to her unexpected emergency hospitalization, often the same stories she had told me a few minutes earlier,  often a version of what had happened that differed radically from the versions I myself experienced and also heard from numerous other people-  as I listened, and as I responded, I saw over and over and over that ANY response other than empathy didn't work- and by "not working," I mean two things: the other responses broke the connection between me and my mother, and the other responses took me out of enjoyment.

And by empathy, I mean, as Robert Gonzales says, the total absence of pressure- the absence of pressure within me to correct, fix or diagnose. So even when my mother calmly explained why biting the nurse was a perfectly reasonable response to the situation; and even when she took my arm and bared her teeth and said, "look, how would you feel if someone did this to you,"; and even when she continued to believe that there were soldiers, a whole platoon of helmeted soldiers, outside her second story window, and an ocean, and people surrounding her and chanting her name- and that my brother had just left and my father had been there- I saw over and over and over  the only response that "worked"-that created a bond of trust and connection; that created a connection that I enjoyed because it met my needs for closeness and love and tenderness and nurturing and intimacy--  only a response that came from that place in me that heard her feelings and her needs, truly heard them, heard them so deeply that

I could-sometimes only almost- really see the total beauty of the life force that was in her and that experienced things as she had seen them.

No pressure. No thought of right or wrong. Just presence.

When my mother refused tests and insisted on not having certain care or eating certain foods; when she said me and my brother were plotting to kill her; when she said she was going home and no one could stop her; if I lost it and said, " no, mom, it isn't going to be that way"- because I was  feeling so frustrated or exhausted, really needing ease and cooperation and trust-  when I watched myself respond in that way, I watched the connection break between us. I felt disappointed and despair.

When I reminded myself that what I really wanted were the energies of empathy and trust and care, and was able to respond to the same stimuli by really hearing her needs in that very moment- mom, you are still so scared. Mom, you are so anxious. Mom you want me to hear you and listen to you. You want me to be on your team.

When I was really there with her in that way, every time, she would have a release and open to what me and others were saying. Every time. And, every time, I felt the softness in my own heart that is where I want to live. I experienced myself in the energy of life from which I want to live- and the very energy that I want to contribute into the world.

I saw over and over that what I truly value is relationship and connection to my mother.  That what I have been longing for is for my heart to open with compassion, and to stay open with compassion. I have been longing to believe that "giving empathy" and "receiving empathy" are the same - what Thich Nhat Hanh calls the "emptiness of giving and receiving"- empty because there is no separation between the people who are in the warm waters of empathy.

 At the end of five days, when I left for home, I truly felt that this was the best time I've had with my mother. My needs for connection and tenderness and respect and love and nurturing were met in a way I had never believed possible.  Yes, I am tired, and am gardening and resting and limiting phone calls now- enjoying the self care I get by listening to the thrush song and the woodpeckers-   and I also know that I am much less tired and drained than I have been from other visits when my needs for connection and understanding weren't met- when  I was holding out for my needs  to be met "by her," instead of what I have just experienced- that the energies of these needs are in a magic well that can be tapped at any time.

I just have to remember to "connect, not correct"; to dwell in empathy, not education.

And to trust that my needs for safety and effectiveness will be met in their time. Today, two days after I came home, my mother dismissed her home health aide. She thanked me for not getting upset with her and said it was to meet her needs for self confidence and independence.  She agreed with all of the alternative strategies I proposed -she will continue with home nursing visits and other services, she won't drive her car until the doctors agree its safe, and- I feel a lot of relief about this- she agrees to wear a monitor around her neck, something she did not agree to earlier.

My mother and I are in a new and satisfying place of trust and respect for each others needs. My work is to continue looking deeply at what happens in me to trigger me into a place where I just can't do it-- when I react from automatic pilot- what is the trigger for these habitually unsatisfying and often harmful responses? What are the needs that are so unmet, so painfully unmet, that I forget all of my aspirations and intentions?  What are the images and stories that put me in that place?  And how can I remember to use NVC self empathy and my other mindfulness and spiritual practices- to restore me to the place where I choose to act from the energies that bring me to life.