A tip from me: never give a name to something you plan to kill. I say this as a first-time lobster assassin

My mid-summer wanderings in New England aroused my taste for lobster and, returning to Hollywood, I wasted no time in heading over to Chinatown to buy myself a couple of feisty crustaceans

A little web surfing produced such pearls of wisdom as; ‘make sure the lobster is active’ and ‘it should feel heavy, so that you know the flesh hasn’t withered from captivity’. With an ego unchecked, I ignored the tank with the 1lb nippers and marched straight to the biggest tank where two lobsters were circling over the heads of all the others, like two blue, spiny sumo wrestlers about to engage in battle

And as the old fella behind the counter scuttled my choices into a bag ( they weighed in at a combined weight of 10lbs. yup, I went straight for the heavyweights!) he made Norman Bates motions with an imaginary knife to show me how to dispatch these guys in the most painless fashion

Naturally, by the time I got them into my car, they had names

The roof was down, I was calling out, ‘Hey Elvis! Hey Priscilla! Look! There’s the Hollywood Sign!!’ As we pulled into the driveway, I had slipped effortlessly into a state of denial; they weren’t dinner

They were pets

Albeit short term pets

But pets nonetheless

Problem1: I had guests coming to dinner in 4 hours. Problem 2: I didn’t fancy sharing my tub with 4 sharp claws. Solution: get cracking, Elvis and Priscilla were not long for this world

It started with a beach-side shack called ‘Bill’s’ in Connecticut. I was with a mate and we had driven down there for lunch. I had spent the morning researching the difference between the Maine lobster roll and the Connecticut lobster roll. The former being cold and mayonnaise clad, the latter being fried in butter and served warm with more butter.

A nice cold lager (or two) to wash it down, and I was in a bit of heaven. Till now, I had treated lobster as the joke that the rest of my family was in on, but which I never quite ‘got’. Back in Australia, a baking hot Christmas day just wasn’t complete without a crayfish to crack into. The flesh is firmer, heavier and sweeter than the US lobster. The work outweighed the pleasure as far as I was concerned

But here was this hot dog roll. A sweet, pedestrian hot dog roll (no pretentious sour dough or baguette) heaving with chunks of sweet, creamy, buttery lobster. No frills, no fuss, no spectacle, no sharp implements

‘this, I can dig’

Betty, the barmaid, confided that there was over a full lobster’s worth of flesh sandwiched between my buns. She had warmed up to me after I whipped out my Redsox cap. Handy to know: a lobster yields only 25 percent of its weight as edible flesh, so we were still talking under a half pound of good stuff

So, was it as much fun making these at home?

No. Because what had been effortless (or, at least, someone else’s effort) became my task, I had to ‘dispatch’ the big guy with a three step combo (freezer, knife, pot. Don’t ask me for more details, it’s still a tender topic), shell him and then extract the flesh. That done, it was a simple matter of frying up a little butter, toasting some hot dog buns on both sides in a buttery skillet, then tossing some clarified butter into the skillet with the lobster flesh (just long enough to cook the lobster) a sprinkle of Old Bay seasoning or some salt and pepper. Heap the lobster into the toasty bun and serve with a wedge of lemon.

Did I score by serving these babies to my guests? You betcha. I had two blondes babes moaning and purring in a manner not usually heard this far east of the playboy mansion

click on the pic and it will take you to the recipe on the site

What I love about lobster is that it insists that you treat it simply and quickly, so anything that you cook with it will be a 5 minute slam dunk. If you cannot bring yourself to ‘do the deed’, then do what I’ve been doing for years and just buy the tails. Much easier on the hands and the conscience

The beauty of having a whole lobster for this dish is that you can make the potstickers with the tail flesh and serve the claws alongside to, ahem, ‘flesh’ out the meal. The dipping sauce is just as delicious with the tender claw meat as it is with the dumplings

So easy: cut a lobster tail into 12 chunks, dunk them in little of the dipping sauce to marinade, slice a mango cheek into 12 easy pieces and reach for some potsticker / gyoza wrappers. One chunk of lobster, one piece of mango, a quick brush around the sides with some beaten egg. Fold and seal. Heat some oil in a skillet, toss in the dumplings. Brown them, splash in a couple of tablespoons of water and whack on a cover as they sizzle to perfection

Whilst this is happening, the claws can be steaming away. Line a plate with some kaffir lime leaves for the most fragrant garnish known to man. Pile it all on and tuck in

Click on the pic for the exact recipe (including the recipe for my Buddha Syrup)

After a month on the road, you cannot imagine how incredible it was to head straight from the airport to my friend, Bea’s. About 6 months ago, I adopted Pili, a wee vixen from a shelter and, not knowing how much I would need to travel, I have had to reach out to some good souls to help me pamper the pooch. Thank god for Bea, Mark and James

Bea had been minding Pili. Told me to come over for ‘a light supper’ and to pick up the pooch.

There was a sensory overload as Bea opened the door. The aroma of roast chicken called to me like a siren, and speaking of sirens, there was Bea; not the blonde that I had left behind, a transformed strawberry blonde. And there was my girl leaping for my attention. I might mention that she is also a strawberry blonde. My eyes traveled from Pili back to Bea. With a guilty look, Bea confessed, ‘She’s the most beautiful redhead I’ve ever seen, I took her on a walk to my colorist and had her dye me to match!’

Well, we nibbled some cheese, toasted our good fortune with some fine Gigondas, and tucked into the best roast chicken and the most sensational salad that I’ve had in a long time. The salad dressing lingered on my lips like some frisky kiss

Even as I was eating it, I was thinking how perfect it would be with lobster. That’s where the third redhead comes into the picture. God bless Priscilla, she gave her all to this dish

Here’s the mix: olive oil, wasabi oil, sesame oil, dill, lemon juice, pale vinegar, salt and pepper, a dash of Worcestershire and a little garlic I made the salad with a mix of greens (spinach, arugula, basil) and radicchio, Spanish (red) onion, more dill, steamed new potatoes, chopped cucumber and heirloom tomatoes

Pile on the lobster, give it a toss, and pass around some torn baguette to mop up that salad dressing

I originally set out to make lobster corn dogs (we Aussies call them dagwood dogs). The best excuse for going to a fairground or a ball game is the easy excuse to dig in to battered, fried frankfurts and eat off a stick

Imagine a foxy little lobster tail, impaled upon a chopstick and fried to trashy perfection. Daubed in corn relish and washed down with beer

Had I done the sensible thing and picked up a half dozen 1lb babies instead of two 5lb heavyweights, then I might’ve had a chance. each tail would have been the perfect amount for a single ‘corndog’

Unfortunately, Elvis and Priscilla would’ve given me corndogs the size of turkey legs, and that would’ve been a little gauche, ya think?

So I made a buttermilk corn batter, dropped the gooey chunks of battered lobster into some hot oil, cooked them until they were golden, drained them on some paper towel and served them hot with some zesty corn relish. My two playmates; Misses July and August, started that embarrassing moaning again as they polished off the entire plate of fritters

In fact, these girls managed to devour every last scrap that I'd cooked. It wasn't until after they'd zoomed back up Sunset that I realised how hungry I was!

After the dishes had been done, after the pot had been put away (somewhat ceremoniously), I quietly made myself a vegemite sandwich with some of that leftover baguette, poured a glass of red and curled up with Pili on my lap

My packed lunches pale into comparison to some of the things that you guys bring on board

Sura is the winner; with her Avgotareko and camel meat (and she had the foresight to sneak some Campari on board as well)

Thanks again for the feedback

Cheers, Mannix

mannix@thelovebite.com