Greetings!
We aren't born with parenting skills and the complications that occur when you and your children live apart make parenting even tougher.
In this issue we're looking at two aspects of non-custodial parenting -- a staff member gives us an inside look at his experience as an observer of court-ordered supervised visitation and we share three resources that can help estranged parents care for their kids despite their anger with each other.
- Editor
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Reflections of a Supervised Visitation Observer by Tyrel Starks, M.A.
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It
is tempting to judge a man who beats his romantic partner or a mother who
cannot conquer a drug addition. It seems obvious we cannot trust such people to
parent their children safely and effectively; however, can we simply dismiss
them?
What do we do when a domestic
violence perpetrator begs for the chance to be a parent again? How do we
respond to a parent who longs to be part of her or his child's life despite
substance abuse? It may satisfy our
sense of justice to say to these parents, "You
created this problem, now live with the consequences," but what do we say to a child who -- despite
the havoc caused by his or her parent -- loves and misses mom or dad.
Supervised visitation - safe for the child,
a challenge for the observer
This
is when the courts turn to supervised visitation. When custody or visitation
disputes become complicated, the court often relies on professional observers
to serve as its eyes and ears. The trained observer monitors visits in a
controlled environment to safeguard both children and parents and provides
information back to the court to inform its decisions.
I
find working as a professional observer a great deal more difficult than I
anticipated. I thought sitting in the room with a family, documenting their
interactions, and reminding them of agency rules would be a breeze after
conducting psychotherapy in a prison and a psychiatric hospital as part of my
graduate training.
To my surprise, not
being able to intervene, occasionally feels like the equivalent of watching a
three-year-old burn her hand on a hot stove without telling her, "Stop." As an
observer, my role is not to instruct parents on how to interact with their
children -- that is reserved for family therapy or therapeutic visitation.
Instead, I document how the interaction between parent and child plays out in
the absence of intervention.
The
remarkable thing is, as I have overcome my anxiety about not intervening, I
have come to appreciate the intensity of these raw interactions: the mixture of
relief and guilt that floods over a father who sees his four-year-old son for
the first time in years or the surge of frustration and devotion from a child
seeing her mother after a year apart. The depth of emotion in these moments is
awesome to behold.
Not every family makes it in supervised
visitation
Some
parents cannot refrain from confrontational interactions, some cannot abide by
rules designed to insure everyone's safety, and sometimes children are simply
not ready or willing to engage a parent.
Still, some families do
make it. For those families, supervised
visitation provides a second chance for parents and children to be involved in
each other's lives.
Tyrel Starks, M.A., works part-time in our supervised visitation program while completing his Ph.D.
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Mothers and Fathers Living Apart Can Still Parent Together
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Michael shared a story last week about a YABC student the
principal was expelling after all interventions had failed. We talked with his
father, the parent he lives with, many times as the student's behavior
deteriorated, and his father, beyond despair, had finally grown indifferent. "Call
his mother. This time, she can go sign him out of school."
We'd never talked to his mother; he neither lived with her nor
mentioned her. She came right away when called, though. She walked into the office
and, at the sight of her, our angry and sullen student suddenly hung his head
in shame.
As we reflected on Michael's story, staff told other stories
about the positive impact non-custodial parents had had. It was clear that here
was a resource we were under-utilizing. Non-custodial parents, both fathers and
mothers, have a special, powerful relationship with their children. Their
participation with a student's team of supporters can make a big difference.
Where to Find HelpParenting is hard, really hard -
especially hard when your child is an adolescent, focused on independence. Non-custodial
parenting can be further complicated by a host of things -- a poor relationship
with the custodial parent, geographic distance, child support issues, court
orders, new families, for example. Nonetheless, it's a powerful relationship
that can help support a child through tough times, help keep them in school, and
guide them toward a healthy adulthood.
When parents can negotiate arrangements that enable both to be
involved in their child's everyday life and manage their conflicts so that they
don't spill over onto the children, the children benefit. Those negotiations
can be difficult to achieve. Here are some resources that can help:
A.C.T. - For the
Children (Assisting Children through Transition) -- a workshop in two
three-hour sessions designed to educate divorcing or separating parents about
the impact of their breakup on their children. The primary goal of the program
is to teach parents ways they can reduce the stress of family changes and
protect their children from the negative effects of ongoing parental conflict. Call
718-947-4048 for information or reservations.
Co-Parenting Agreements -
The best parenting agreements are those that parents work out for themselves,
seldom those dictated by the courts. Our mediators can help guide parents
through the process of developing a written agreement that outlines child
custody and visitation terms both can support. For information call 718-815-4557.Parent-Teen Mediation - Mediation has proven to
be a useful tool in settling conflict between parents and adolescents. It can
improve communication and help both parents and teens learn how to "fight
better", so that everyone wins. 718-815-4557
ParentHelp-NY - a
telephone-based information, consultation, and mediation service to deal with
poor relationships that damage a child's
healthy growth. ParentHelp can help you sort out child support, custody, and
visitation issues, open lines of communication, and find solutions to parenting
disputes. 1-800-716-3468
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| March Headlines |
Do you like planning events? Selling journal ads? Finding great donated items for our fundraising auction? Our auction can't compete with the YSL auction in Paris this week, but it's fun. And, our development committee is looking for volunteers to work with us on our annual auction. Contact Mike Baver by email or phone - 718-947-4121.
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SPOTLIGHT SERIES - March 18th at 5:30, mediators will gather for our monthly workshop. For details about the topic at this month's Spotlight Series, contact Gary Carsel.
Do you know someone who'd like to work for the NY Center?
- Program Associates - part-time positions open working in elementary after school programs. Candidates must have some college and experience with elementary aged children. Salary $8-$10 per hour. Send cover letter/resume to Robert Busan
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Administrative Assistant- part-time position open at Olympus Academy
in Brooklyn. Candidates must have some college
and experience with at-risk high school students. Salary $10-13 per hour.
Send cover letter and resume to Erin Neubauer-Keyes.
If you know someone interested in one of these positions, have them email their resume to Candace Gonzalez.
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Please help us expand our circle of friends. Use the "Forward email" link below to send this newsletter to someone you think would be interested. Your friend's address is protected. We don't keep it and won't use or sell it. |
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| ON MY MIND
Dom's Wanderings |
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Over the last month, the Staten Island Advance published
several stories about fathers contending with the complexities of the court
system as they fought for custody of their children.
Every family situation is different, but all too often
estranged parents use the courts to act out their anger with one another and
their children suffer for it. They withhold child support or deny visits, and bad-mouth
one another - a form of child abuse, I think. And, sometimes the accusations are
accurate - substance abuse, child abuse, severe mental illness, or illegal
activities putting a child at-risk.
The court must decide, not who is right or wrong, but what
is best for the child.
One of the tools judges use in determining risk is
supervised visitation where a trained observer documents the interaction
between parent and child. Tyrel's article this month gives us an interesting glimpse into the playroom.
While it's only a series of snapshots of parent-
child interaction over time, the reports add useful information to the case
records judges will use in making their decisions.
In addition, these supervised visits provide a child their only
opportunity to see mom or dad, either during the court evaluation period or as
a result of the court's decision.
The NY Center operates the only supervised visitation
program on Staten Island with a sliding fee-scale.
Private centers charge around $100 an hour, too stiff a price for our clients
to afford.
Unless we find new funding, though, our Center will have to
close. It costs us about $50,000 a year to operate it and we've patched funding
together for the last few years. In this
environment, that just doesn't work.
So, we ask you to send a message to our legislators,
make a donation, or, maybe, refer us to someone with deep pockets who could help.
In March the state budget gets completed, we hope. Spring officially arrives. And, maybe, we'll have our last snowstorm of the season.
Dom PS - I welcome your comments and questions. They let me know whether you find our newsletter interesting or useful.
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Help Us
Strengthen
Our Community |
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| Our Calendar |
ACT Classes
Helping separating or divorcing parents understand how to help their children cope with the changes. Each class meets twice: Next?
Spotlight on Mediation
March 18th
5:30-8pm
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