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Strengthening Relationships, Building Community
May 2008
Greetings!
 
May and June bring Mother's Day, Father's Day, graduations and other school transitions, anniversaries, Memorial Day, and summer vacation. It's a time of endings and beginnings. And, that's one of the times when celebrations and rituals are especially important.

In this issue, we look at those rituals and celebrations.
 
Enjoy your celebrations,
- Editor
In This Issue
May Headlines
When Does a Routine Become a Ritual?
Ten Good Things Rituals Do for Children
New Rituals for Changing Families
On My Mind - Dom's Wanderings
May Headlines

Regina Shields,the NY Center's Training Institute Manager, reports that the Institute has had a busy spring.

This May, the NY Center's Training Institute initiated a series of workshops for students at the NYC DOE St. George School. The workshops offer students skill-building in conflict resolution and anger management. The goals -- to increase understanding of how conflicts escalate and how to make more constructive choices to resolve disputes.

On May 16, the Training Institute introduced twenty student interns from AHRC NYC Employment and Business Services to conflict resolution. The class included role plays, lively discussions, and new communication skills demonstrations.

And, of course, the A.C.T. classes for separating parents continue to get rave reviews. They're offered twice a month and are open to any parent going through separation or divorce. For information, contact Regina at 718-947-4059.

*****

WAVE students from Port Richmond & Concord High School presented their projects describing their career goals, last week. One student who wants to become a history teacher presented a mini-history lesson as part of her oral presentation.  Another student, a future pilot currently taking flying lessons, has pictures from his recent experiences flying.  Each student explained the job duties,the job outlook, and the required schooling/training to accomplish their career goal.

WAVE stands for Work, Achievement, Values, and Education. It's our after-school program that focuses on college & career development.

*****
MEDIATOR UPDATE: Fifteen people attended the May Spotlight Series for NY volunteer mediators. This month's session prepared mediators to apprentice in the NY Center's First-Time Offender Mediation program. The First Time Offender program offers Staten Island merchants an alternative to prosecution for handling shoplifting. It's based on restorative justice principles.

*****

Auction/Dinner tickets going once! Going twice! Staff are ooo-ing and ahhh-ing as items arrive for the June 5th fundraising auction.   We hope you'll join us. You'll eat well and have a good time bidding on items that range from hand-crafted pieces and Yankees tickets to a vacation in the Caribbean.

This event is co-chaired by Maryann Lauria & Lindy Marrazzo, Call or email Mike Baver to purchase tickets ($25).
*****
An invitation from the Mosaic Coalition: If you care about building a community where people bridge the racial, ethnic, and other barriers that keep us isolated and mistrusting of one another, you can help us shape our next few years. Visit our website; join the listserv. Share your ideas.

*****
Update on Open Positions --  Brooklyn and Staten Island.  Do you know someone who'd like to work for the NY Center?
  • Personal Advocates - Full-time Brooklyn; part-time Staten Island.  BA in social work or other human service field and youth development experience preferred. SI & Brooklyn locations.
  • Career and Education Counselor, full-time, masters-level and related experience preferred. July start date, Staten Island.
  • Social Worker, full-time, masters-level and related experience preferred.Transfer school, July start date, Staten Island.
  • Program Assistants, part-time, Sept. start date. Staten Island.
If you know someone interested in one of these positions, have them email their resume to Candace Gonzalez.


When Does a Routine Become a Ritual? 

Family ReunionFamilies develop rituals around celebrations, like birthdays, family reunions, and Christmas -- maybe a unique family version of the happy birthday song, or a special gift that can be opened at midnight. Other rituals help children handle transitions, like bedtime rituals, graduations, and mealtime rituals.

But when does a routine become a ritual? An article in the APA Journal by Barbara Fiese, PH.D. explains it this way.

Routines convey "this is what needs to be done." They require only a momentary time commitment. Once the act is completed, there's little need for afterthought.

Rituals involve symbolic communication. They convey "this is who we are" as a group and provide continuity in meaning across generations. The way we celebrate holidays may be the clearest example. There's an emotional imprint. The individual may replay it in memory to recapture the experience.

Fiese says any routine has the potential to become a ritual once it moves from facilitating act to a symbolic one.
Ten Good Things Rituals Do for Children
 

Birthday Celebration

Illustration from Tolerance.org

Meg Cox shares ten good things rituals do for children:

� Impart a sense of identity
� Provide comfort and security
� Help to navigate change
� Teach values
� Teach practical skills
� Solve problems
� Keep alive a sense of departed family members
� Pass on ethnic or religious heritage
� Help heal from loss or trauma
� Generate wonderful memories

She notes that rituals need to be consciously developed because they pass on our values. She encourages us to review our rituals and celebrations to ensure they communicate the messages we want our children to get about what's important.

What are your family rituals? Share some on our blog.


Developing New Rituals in Changing Families by Regina Shields
father and son

In our classes for separating parents (ACT), we spend a significant amount of time discussing the stories of loss and sadness expressed by children in a video entitled, "Listen to the Children." In addition to experiencing grief and confusion over the break up of their parents, the children share that the loss of family rituals and traditions is terribly difficult to cope with.
 
The children talk about how they miss doing homework with parents, eating meals together, having movie and game nights, and going on outings and vacations with the whole family. And, they talk about how hard it is when holidays are no longer observed or celebrated in just the same way.
 
Psychologists report that the end of such family traditions and routines may accentuate the child's fear that they won't have both parents to protect and care for them any longer. They feel less secure about their future as well.
 
It often takes a year or two going through all the seasons and holidays for a child to come to terms with the divorce and to have their faith
restored in the stability of their family. We encourage parents to engage their children in building new holiday traditions and talk with them about the lost traditions and their feelings. Parents can help their children learn that even though things are different, new traditions and holidays can still be fun and meaningful.

By continuing to observe holidays, and creating new traditions, rituals, and celebrations, each parent can support their children's adjustment to the new family structure. Parents in the ACT class find this approach to be helpful in their own adjustments to the post-divorce situation, too.

For many of us facing the challenges of separation, Mother's Day and Father's Day represent an important opportunity to put these ideas into practice and to invite children to participate in creating new rituals.

Regina Shields, MSW, is our new manager for the Training Institute. She has been a key member of our team for three years and previously coordinated the NY Center's McKee After Three after school program.

Please help us expand our circle of friends. Use the "Forward email" link below to send this newsletter to someone you think would be interested. Your friend's address is protected. We don't keep it and won't use or sell it.
ON MY MIND 
Dom's Wanderings
Dominick Brancato
 
I'm a food person, as most of you know. I love to cook. And, I love to eat. So most of our rituals revolve around food.
 
I'm speaking about the NY Center's rituals, now. (Although most of my family rituals focus on food, too.) Families aren't the only place that rituals are important. They're how an organization translates its values to its employees and program participants.
 
For example, everyone here knows that lunch is at 12:30 in the conference room. It's a time to visit. No business. We share family news, food, and personal plans - the upcoming concert, the child who made the honor roll, the recipe for spring rolls, and the great new restaurant in the neighborhood. It's a sacred time for acknowledging that our lives outside of work are important.
 
At staff meetings we reserve time to celebrate program, professional, and personal milestones.

Each of the programs build their own rituals, too. The YABC graduation always makes time for anyone -- student, parent, staff -- to share their thoughts about this milestone in students' lives. And, at McKee After three, students celebrate birthdays together at a monthly party.
 
The programs use holiday rituals as the basis for reflection. New Beginnings shared an annual Thanksgiving luncheon with each person contributing a dish from their family's traditional table. At the luncheon, people shared the origins of their dish and something they were thankful for.
 
For Mother's Day this year two of the programs asked participants to reflect on their relationship with their mothers. Here's Torrik Allums' response:
 
My Auntie, AKA my mother, helps me with school by telling me what I need to do in school and to be the best kid I can be in my life. She is the best mother that I have. She is the mother I have always wished for in my life. She will always tell me what I need to do better in my school work and homework. I will tell her thank you for all you have done for me and I love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much.
 
You can read reflections from other students here on our blog. These mothers are well appreciated.

Today, we're going through a new growth spurt. For many of our employees this is a second job at an outlying location. We're working on building new rituals to increase a sense of belonging and shared values.
 
To that end, the staff has decided to plan a quarterly staff event that is purely fun. No business and away from both the office and our program sites. Last quarter we went bowling!
 
I'm interested in what rituals your organization has. Will you share them with us? Just hit reply or add a comment on our blog.

All the best,

Dom




Our Calendar
calendar

ACT Classes
Helping separating or divorcing parents  understand how to help their children cope with the changes. Visit our calendar for this month's dates.

June 5th
NY Center Fundraiser Auction
6 - 9:00 pm at
Temple Israel, tickets $25. Contact Mike Baver at 718-947-4121

YABC Graduation
Date to be announced

June 25th
WAVE College Tour
John Jay College

June 30th
Year-End Trip - Six Flags Great Adventure
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On Our Blogspot
Share Your Rituals

Students Reflect on Their Mothers

NYC DOH Report on Teen Suicide

Electronic Monitoring to Curb Truancy
Read the article and take our poll

WAVE Student College Tour article and slideshow
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