Photo by brighterworlds
Study after study shows that children do best with the
support of two parents - talking with them about the world, reading with them,
involved with their school and homework, cheering them on. And, despite the
reactions parents get from teenagers, adolescents need that support just as
much as younger children. We just have
to adjust our methods.
Under the best of circumstances, parenting can be a daunting
task. No one is born knowing how to parent well. Fathers and mothers may bring
different child-rearing practices and perspectives that can raise conflicts
they need to resolve. And, even the best of parents learn as they go.
Unfortunately, few of the NY Center's youth participants
live in the best of circumstances. Their parents often no longer live together,
or never did. Unemployment, mental health, substance abuse problems interfere. A
parent's limited English, negative feelings about school, or lack of confidence
in their own academic skills may serve as barriers to helping their children
learn. Or, lacking the skills to deal with their child's behavior problems, parents
may withdraw in defeat.
So, how can an agency like the NY Center help parents build
healthy, supportive relationships with their children? How can we help them
revive deteriorating relationships with their adolescents? And, how can we compensate
for that missing parental support when, for whatever reason, it's not
forthcoming?
These issues loom large in all our program planning and case
discussions. This year we are studying the research and trying new approaches. Here
are some of the things we're doing.
Get to know parents early and under the best of
circumstances
When staff are familiar and trust is established early on,
parents find it far easier to be partners rather than defensive adversaries.
The after-school programs are trying potluck dinners and game nights to ensure
parents and children have a good time together with staff. At YABC, where many teen/parent
relationships are strained and some of the students no longer live at home,
staff still require a parent to attend the enrollment and orientation. This
one-to-one session with the student advocate not only explains the program and
mutual expectations, it facilitates building the rapport we need when problems
inevitably arise. Many parents leave asking, "Can't I come here, too?"
Recognize changes in behavior and deal with them as early as
possible
Robert, a second grader, was suddenly disruptive in class
and in the after school program. He was angry and not paying attention. Staff knew that his mom
had just remarried, and Robert spent every other weekend with his dad in New Jersey. Staff already provided Robert extra individual attention, but this behavior was new.
Henry, our after-school director there, immediately reached
out to Robert's mom. As the story unfolded, an on-going custody fight had turned bitter. Robert now felt like he needed to choose sides.
With that knowledge, Henry brought Robert's team together -- his parents, guidance counselor, advocate -- to develop a consistent approach to supporting Robert. He was also able to offer Robert's parents referrals to both the classes for separating parents (ACT) and child custody mediation services.
Pay special attention to transitions in the life of children
and their families
Stephanie has two children, is currently separated, and is in
the process of divorcing. Her husband couldn't
control his temper. Every encounter triggered an argument. The children were becoming withdrawn and having trouble sleeping.
Their grades were slipping.
Her husband didn't want to take the ACT classes for separating parents, but Stephanie went. Encouraged by what she'd learned about how to support children through this transition, she made an effort to share the information
with her husband. He surprised her. He, too, wanted the best for his children; he was more
open and receptive than she expected. Their marriage can't be healed, but they now work together to ensure that their children don't pay a price for their
failed relationship.
Include parents as part of the team
Last fall, John Jones, a McKee freshman, started attending
McKee After Three's open gym/recreational activities. He joined the after
school program on his own and made new friends quickly and easily. Although
he's an exceptionally bright young man, he paid more attention to the
excitement of his freshman year than his studies. His mother was shocked when his
first report card showed low grades. She immediately restricted his
activities and required him to go home immediately after school.
Noting his absence, Regina, site coordinator at McKee After Three called his mother. Ms.
Jones explained that she restricted him to home. John's report card was disappointing -- the lowest ever -- and
more and more frequently when she tried to talk to him things escalated into arguments.
Together, Ms Jones, Regina, and John worked out an agreement.
John could attend recreational activities as long as he attended the tutoring
and homework help, too. It's a good agreement. John's attendance is great and
his grades have improved significantly. In follow up conversations, Ms. Jones
has expressed her gratitude to the McKee After Three staff for
John's improved report card, as well as his positive attitude and cooperation
at home. We thank her for joining our team to ensure that John gets the support and activity he needs.
Recognize parent needs
Based on our experience with court-mandated parenting
education (our ACT classes), we know that even parents who don't want to attend can
benefit from parenting classes. This year we're expanding our offering of
classes. We'll be offering Parenting Wisely at several of our sites. We selected this model curriculum because it's tailored to each age group and is also available in Spanish.
But parenting classes aren't enough. Parents need help with all
the issues that can impact family life. Our student advocates become a source
of information and referral for them. And, at Curtis High School,
we've begun offering classes for parents to help with employment issues -
medical billing and customer relations, to start.
Provide students additional relationships with caring
adults
Some students will never get the nurturing they need at
home. Staff can never replace parents, but student advocates may offer the only
positive nurturing some children will get. But, that's for another issue.
Note: we have changed names and some details to protect individuals' privacy.