|
|
A Feminist Looks at Gender Prejudice
Have you ever noticed, in almost any group of women, the
kinds of dreadful things that are routinely said about men? They're the kinds
of things that, if you said them about gays and lesbians, or African-Americans,
you'd be regarded with horror and even shunned. Surely someone would speak up
to let you know these remarks are prejudicial and really unacceptable. But in
groups of women, nobody ever criticizes these remarks. In fact, they'll usually
join in with stories about the men in their lives, stories which portray men as
stupid, clumsy, insensitive and generally hopeless. Why do we let our sisters
get away with this kind of talk?
I got a clue some years ago from a friend and mentor, Dr.
Jack Rosenberg. Jack brought forth the theme of gender prejudice, and he noted
that one can be prejudiced against either one's own gender or the opposite one.
Gender prejudice is passed down in families, unconsciously. Often one of our grandmothers,
like mine, was forced into marriage with a man she didn't love, had far too
many children because her doctor was legally forbidden to discuss birth
control, and became the punching bag on whom her husband took out all the
frustrations of his immigrant life. When my grandfather died, Grandma stood
tearless at his grave and told my Mom, "I cried all my tears for that man while
he was alive."
So- big surprise! Many of our mothers, like mine, feared and
suspected men, but felt they needed to marry one anyway, because there was
almost no place in respectable society for an unmarried woman. Our mothers
passed down this history to us, usually without quite meaning to.
Even now, in therapy, I meet women who fear and despise men,
but nevertheless want to find one to marry, preferably one who'll support them
while they stay home with the children they want to have, not demand much sex
(or at least not blowjobs),and buy them nice jewelry on all significant
occasions. And when they happen to meet a man who's willing to marry them, he
can be sure he'll be ridiculed to their girlfriends.
Even the sons of these mothers picked up the unconscious
message that men are bad. Even in the process of changing their little boys'
diapers, these moms conveyed their dislike of the male genitals. When their
boys became teens, they telegraphed their distaste for masculine bodies with
their hair, muscles and smells. These boys often grew into men who secretly
feel bad about their masculinity and are easy prey for the cultural message
that heterosexual men are the oppressors, poisoned by testosterone, the source
of pretty much everything that's wrong with the world. So these men don't feel
empowered to speak up in the defense of their own sex. They've bought into the
idea that women are the superior sex, and that if they want to evolve, they
ought to be more like women.
So it was with delight I read the following in an email from my friend
Jackie. Finally, I thought!
As you read it, whether you're a man or woman, gay or
straight, just notice your reactions, particularly your body reactions. Look
for those quick, automatic reactions that kick in before your rational mind
says the "right thing".
|
|
Man Rules:
(Please note- these are all numbered 1- on purpose)
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports- it's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle
hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Obvious hints don't work. Just say
it.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days,
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
1. Columbus did NOT need directions, and neither do we.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
1.I f you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere. Absolutely anything you wear
is fine...REALLY.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep
on the couch tonight, but did you know men don't really mind that? It's like
camping.
|
|
