The other night I was out to dinner with a girlfriend. I had been working all day. It was nearing 5pm and I hadn't had my first meal. All I had time for was a grapefruit and two oranges. I was running on adrenaline and was still in work mode having brought my phone to check emails in case I missed anything.
She started answering a question I had asked her as we settled in and while listening to her, still in multi-task mode, I pressed one of the buttons on my phone. I multi-task all day long. I can do more than one thing at a time.
My friend stopped talking.
Are you going to listen to me or check your email?
What? I can do both.
No, you can't. You either listen or check email. Never mind. Check your email. It wasn't that important anyway.
She stops talking.
I get defensive.
I was just pressing the button to check mail. It's not like I was reading an email or typing a text while you were talking. Come on, lighten up!
No. You need to learn how to relax.
And then I noticed myself getting really angry. Relax? How can I relax when I have so much to do?
I think she is being unreasonable. She's retired. She spent the afternoon reading after coming home from the gym. She doesn't know what it's like to work for yourself. I want to be mad at her but she is just stating a boundary and she's right. Why should she compete with email?
But I am stubborn and I will not apologize.
It is quiet. We're at the bar sitting in silence - she, very calmly eating her oysters with elegance, myself, rushed just glad to have a bite of real food.
The bartender is carefully avoiding us.
And then I realize, this is what stress looks like. This is what it looks like when I haven't taken care of myself all day.
I want to bite her head off and it has nothing to do with her.
Anyone relate?
I know the activities that set me up for a good day.
When I've practiced yoga, had some time with my spiritual practice and have eaten a decent meal, I can be carried for hours. In other words, there is a noticeable difference in not only my day, but in the results I produce when I've spent time taking care of myself.
So, why don't I do it more often?
A couple weeks ago, I made the decision to try, to start new. At first I started ambitiously. I made it out of the house by 5:30am to begin the half hour commute to my 6am class. I used the drive in the dark being proud of myself for getting up and doing this. I work from home. I own my own business. There is no reason to be up this early. But I was on my way to a yoga class. This was good.
Except I got to the class 5 minutes late and the doors were locked. There was no way to get in.
So, I did my next favorite thing which was get a cup of coffee and take the long drive home. I live in the country and the long way home means an expanse of rolling hills, the fog hovering low and then all of a sudden, open space and a clear blue sky. In other words, pure beauty.
This is my favorite time of day. To be out at sunrise gives me a sense of groundedness in a different way. While I was not doing downward dog in a studio, I was saluting the sun just the same.
This ride gave me something. There is a freedom I find that I wouldn't have experienced with an hour of extra sleep.
I got back home before 7am and still had time to get a walk in. So even though I didn't practice yoga this morning, I practiced the essence of yoga - the union of body, mind and spirit.
There is a difference I feel in my body and in my affairs when I spend an hour doing what makes me happy. There is a quality I bring to the people around me when I am centered and satisfied. There is a generosity I am able to offer others when I have been able to give it to myself first.
Whether it is soaking for 15 minutes in the eucalyptus sauna at the gym, or sitting on my deck allowing the Vitamin D to penetrate my skin, there is a shift that takes place that alters the view of my world, the view of my life.
There is space.
This is what I am learning to practice with more regularity.
It is a challenge when we take on more in our lives, to be bigger, to express greater, to explore deeper. There are commitments to uphold, worlds to change.
And yet, there is a whole different me that shows up when I have taken time for my own sustenance.
I have more to give.
I'm sorry, I tell my friend at the bar, breaking the silence. I have not taken care of myself all day. Please be patient with me. I'm working on getting better at this.
I get back on schedule the next day.
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