It
was an interesting lesson.
I thought I was communicating one thing, meaning one thing. My friend heard me
communicating something else, meaning something else. Both of us were
right.
There is communication, what one hears in the communication.
And then there is interpretation.
I have not prized myself on my communication skills. While I might write
eloquently in my memos, it's because I have time on my side and know the
skillful art of editing.
But I tend to talk like I think, and having the
very Sagittarius trait of straight talk, I sometimes put my foot in my mouth.
I
have been told (more than once) to take advantage of "The Ten Second
Pause". But not having mastered this skill, and having made my share of mistakes, I've
had consequences to pay.
I'm guessing I'm not alone in this?
So, what happens when we screw up? When our best intentions don't cut it? When
we, admittedly DO make mistakes that cost us friends, partners, relatives,
business associates?
One of the things that I learned early on is that a lot of what we communicate
is miscommunicated.
Either we don't mean what we say. Or we don't say what we
mean. Or we don't communicate altogether - we just act out - which is another kind of communication
altogether. And we start young!
When I was in the third grade, I was terrorized by two twins in my class, Marco
and Eddy. They would call me names, follow me around and taunt me. In class,
they would roll up little paper balls and shoot them out of a straw to get my
attention.
I didn't know what they wanted from me. I was afraid of them.
When I talked to their older sister to ask her what I had done, she told me
that I didn't do anything.
Her
brothers just had a crush on me.
A crush? What? But then wouldn't they be writing me love letters instead?
But even as adults. That's what we do.
We communicate ineffectively because
communicating effectively would mean we had to be vulnerable, reveal a truth, disappoint
someone, risk rejection, lay our cards on the table, sit with the silence, get
the answer we may not want to hear. Right?
And
that is too scary.
Anyone relate?
But
that's okay because we all have our lessons in life and often times
our
challenges become our curriculum. So,
when I find myself having not communicated so well, I might ask myself a few
questions.
Did
I mean harm? Was I intentionally communicating to hurt someone?
Was
I saying what I meant? And if not. . . why not? What was I not saying? Could I
have said it better?
Is
an apology in order? Is there a way to start over?
And
if not, can I forgive myself? Even if it cost me the relationship?
Because
the truth is we can only take care of our end of the communication and if we
are wrong promptly admit it or try to communicate what our intentions were.
But
we do not have any control over how someone else might interpret our attempts.
And interpretations can be tricky business. For
example, the other day I was going to pick up a friend of mine. We were trying
to get to a movie theater because we were meeting someone else there. I was
running late so I called her to tell her this. She said she might need to leave
without me and I might have to meet her at the theater. So I called her when I
was at a certain street to let her know where I was and ask her if I needed to head
to the theater. She said she would be home and to come by. I pulled in her
driveway and called her again to tell her I was outside (third call within 10
minutes).
She answered the phone with: "Are you trying to drive me crazy?"
Now,
we have a ten year relationship and we can get on each others nerves and tell
each other so, but I thought I was being considerate, making sure she knew
where I was in case she needed to leave before I got there.
She thought I was trying to drive her insane.
What are you going to do?
It
reminded me of a point my sister made once. My sister has been married for 14
years and is a solid communicator. Whenever I have to practice diplomacy in a
business relationship, I will contact her to get advice.
She told me that before I jumped to any conclusions about what someone
intended, or what a situation meant - in other words, before I got myself into
a tizzy based on my analysis or interpretation - to consider at
least 5 other alternative perspectives. To try to see the bigger picture, or
what might really be going on. In other words, to consider the history of the
relationship.
Because my interpretation might just be short sighted.Obviously from what I told you so far, I'm not going to tell you how to
communicate effectively. I am still learning how to do it myself.
But I do know a basic tenet of deliberate creation that is responsible for all
change and that is:
Intention. Attention. No Tension.If I intend to communicate effectively and pay attention to how I communicate,
one day I will trust my communication style and there will be no tension.
I will say what I mean. I will ask for what I want. I will mean what I say.
And I will do it gracefully.
But it all takes practice.
We have to know where we are weak in order to get
strong. We have to identify what doesn't work in order to find what does. We
have to get clear on our desires before we can know what we're trying to say.Curriculum. Learning. Life.
But isn't that why we're here? For the experience of it? The joy, the pain, the
love, the sorrow, the fun, the experience of it?
Who said we would come in, knowing all of this? Who said we wouldn't have some
hard knocks in order to learn a few things.
But even in that - it is in the interpretation.
Who says that everything we
experience can't serve us at a later date?I was reading Dale Carnegie's classic book recently:
How to Win Friends and
Influence People (about communication). And in it, he talks about how he was a
great debater. That he lived for winning arguments. He taught debate and
argumentation in New York City
and was even going to write a book about the subject.
But after having engaged
in thousands of arguments and being at the effect of them, he decided they
didn't work for him or anyone else. He changed course when he realized that
most people didn't effectively know how to get along with each other, himself
included, and went out to research the subject to find out what he could. This
resulted in a lecture series, and then this book that went on to sell millions
of copies.
Had Dale Carnegie not faced challenges in his own communication style, he would
not have written this classic that has changed so many lives.
Our
mess becomes our message. So, in essence, I guess what I'm trying to say is that
there are no bad
endings. Only courses, and then course corrections. Life
is a hard hat zone. We are always under construction. We are not who we were
yesterday and we are not yet who we will be tomorrow.
We
can forgive ourselves for not being perfect. Because we can have at it again,
tomorrow.
Life
is full of second chances. But all of life happens today.
In
the becoming.
If you are interested in a really good book on communication, check out:
Crucial Conversations:Tools for Talking when the Stakes are High
They also have live training events as well. I plan to check them out myself :-)
