To be driven by obsession and in its grips of control, one knows what it's like to feel powerless in their lives. And it is not an a liberating feeling.
Whether it is a food addiction, sex addition, spending addiction, alcohol or drug addiction, or any other kind of addiction,
the feeling is the same - being at the mercy of a compulsion beyond our control.
I had my own experience with addiction for over a decade, and while the 12 steps were very helpful, I didn't like going to meetings and affirming my addiction. I didn't like going to meetings and staying in the energy of the problem.
I knew that if I was a child of God, and made whole and complete, and if I believed that in God, all things were possible, I believed that with God's help, I could restore myself to sanity. I never bought into "once an addict, always an addict".
Not everyone would agree with me on this, because for some, 12 step meetings are a necessity. And I benefited from them as well,
but primarily because it assisted me in engaging in a relationship with a power greater than my addiction, and how to make that relationship work for myself.
In other words, it helped me to forge a relationship with a power that creates worlds that I could partner with to help shift my own.
I
am a firm believer that there is nothing we cannot be, do or have. But it does take some concerted effort on our part to line up with that which we say we want.
So, here is what I came to and how I broke it down and healed myself of my own patterning - because I do believe a lot of addiction is habitual behavior that has to do with patterning.
Just like a dirt road with its well-worn tread already laid, the groove is the trajectory, until you lay new track. And that is the work.
I began by becoming hyper vigilant in recognizing what was going on with me at the time the obsession hit. I acknowledged that my obsession had a lot to do with impulse control.
My objective, then, became if I could create space between me and my impulse, even by a few hours or days, I will have gained some of my power back.
So, what I did was notice.I noticed what would be going on with me. This required developing a "witness consciousness", where I would be in a constant state of self-observation.
The moment I noticed the urge, I did three things:
1) I prayed for the obsession to be removed
2) I got out a notebook and pen and started writing about what was going on with me to familiarize myself with my triggers.
3) I gave myself permission to continue with the behavior if, after at least an hour of doing these things, I still felt like bingeing.
Sometimes I would get creative with it. I would feel the urge coming on, and then tell myself to go to the movies, or go on a run, or a sunset walk, or coffee with a friend. Then, if I felt like continuing in the behavior after that, I could. But I had to try one of these other things, first.
The main thing for me, was to create the distance between me and my obsessive behavior and learn to be in relationship with it objectively, instead of consumed by it, directly.
At one point, I even named my addictive behavior, gave him his own identiy because he was so other than me and so dang destructive. Leroy was his name (from the song by Jim Croce:
"Bad, bad, LeRoy Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town, badder than old King Kong, and meaner than a junkyard dog")
I had to find a way to be playful and keep the relationship accessible. Pretty soon, I would just start saying, "Oh, settle down LeRoy. Chill out. Not today."
The things is, for me, a lot of my addiction was about self-sabotage. And there is a certain amount of time addictive behavior can take up in our lives to avoid dealing with what's going on underneath - the thing we think is going to kill us, emotionally.
There is definitely a level of drama that comes with any addiction that may be easier to face than say, loneliness, or self-hatred, or feelings of guilt, or unworthiness.
Obsession is a compelling distraction. Until it isn't anymore because it's turned destructive.
And we're still left with ourselves.
There are many paths to healing. I share my story in the hopes that it might be helpful to someone else.
The darkness is always seeking the light. Everything is an opportunity to go deeper, to move closer, to know more, to express fuller.
I believe in the power in this Universe to heal us of our obsessions,
our ailments, our addictions, our hurts.
I believe in the power we wield as human beings to heal ourselves.
I believe that partnered with God, or Source Energy, we have the power to overcome anything.
But it begins with a decision and some trust, not just in a higher power, but in ourselves as well.
That we deserve to live a life of freedom and choice. That there is another side of us that carries the light. That we can thrive in our own deliverance. The twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous really sum up the journey in their first few steps. I'm paraphrasing here, but basically, they are:
1) I came
2) I came to
3) I came to believe But, like with all things, it begins with us. And our willingness to transcend.
