Boundaries: Berlin Wall or Boundary Waters Canoe Area?  

The Berlin Wall was a formidable barrier. East Germans were gunned down as they tried to get to the West. A border fence is being erected between the U.S. and Mexico.   Homeland Security inspectors are on watch for terrorists. Some walls are very solid - and clear.

Other boundaries are not at all clear. Once I led a group of youth on a canoe trip in the Minnesota Boundary Waters Canoe Area. One teen noted that "if anyone asks me where I went during the summer, I can say that I made a whole bunch of trips to Canada!" As we paddled through the lakes, we were undoubtedly on the Canadian side of the invisible boundary between Minnesota and Ontario numerous times.

So it is with personal boundaries. I have observed pastors and leaders who seem to have no boundaries at all. They get phone calls or drop-in visitors day and night.   The pastor's family feels like they are an appendage of the church.   And sometimes the lack of personal boundaries leads them into destructive relationships.

Think of the desert boundary between the U.S. and Mexico. It has been very porous. But at the same time it can be very treacherous.   If a boundary is too porous, there can be problems.

I have also observed pastors who, perhaps because they are very introverted, or perhaps because a seminary professor told them they had to maintain a very strict separation between church and private life, seem to hide behind a Berlin Wall. They make it very clear that they are not to be bothered at home. One denominational executive told me about a pastor who told church members "don't call me on my day off unless there's blood on the floor!"

There has been a lot of conversation about the importance of personal boundaries, with advocates lining up on one side or another.

However, are there just two sides - you're either for very clear, high boundaries or having no boundaries? I think it is really helpful to reframe this question not as an either/or, but as a polarity to be managed.

Boundaries as Polarities to be Managed

What's a polarity? It's when something appears to be either/or but is in reality both/and. For example, both exercise and rest are essential to well being. We breathe in and breathe out.

There are both up-sides and down-sides to both ends of the spectrum.

One pole of the boundary/open border issue is to have very high boundaries, to be very clear about having my personal space.

The up-side of this is that I protect myself against unwarranted intrusions on family time or personal spiritual development. I am not dragged into the messiness of people's family issues. Parishioners learn they can't be overly dependent on me. I'm not their mother or father or their very best friend.

The other pole might be framed as intimacy or personal closeness. Its upside is that the pastors can be vulnerable and open. They welcome people into their lives, building rich friendships. Their modeling promotes the deep closeness and spiritual intimacy that is so lacking in much of life. Opening one's home to parishioners is a way of welcoming them into your life. Clearly there are plusses.

What are the down-sides to each of these poles?

A pastor with very high boundaries, who protects his personal life very carefully, is sometimes seen as cold and uncaring. "He doesn't even remember my name." "She never asked me how I was doing after my mother died." "He can't just relax and be spontaneous. Everything has to be scripted."  Or perhaps such a pastor is seen as not really working or interested in what members think.   "He always seems to be in his study working on his sermon or taking his day off or in a clergy support group. I can't ever catch him!"

On the other hand, I have heard of a number of pastors who slid from spiritual intimacy into sexual intimacy. Some have been predators.

I think that pastors need to have a good balance of both personal space and openness. It's answering that phone call that comes at dinner time and responding according to the urgency of the call. "Your son was killed in a car wreck! I'll be right there." "You're still upset with the way you and your wife are getting along. I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Send me an email tomorrow with some possible times we might talk."

It's inviting parishioners into your home for special events, but not having an expectation that anyone can drop by anytime (especially if you are in church owned housing!). Or, conversely, this means that church leaders invite the pastor and family into their homes, but don't expect the pastor to drop everything to accept an invitation.  

It's being willing to share some of your struggles with the mysteries of faith, not pretending to have answers to all the questions, and on the other hand, strongly affirming the foundation of your faith.

Coaching assignment - how do you handle the polarity between high boundaries and openness? What are up-sides and down-sides for you?

As you identify boundary issues in your church, I urge you to initiate conversations to clarify mutual expectations.   

I'd be pleased to have the opportunity to help you explore your insights and develop more effective approaches.  

Email or call me and we can set up a demonstration coaching session by telephone (or in person if possible).

If you find this article helpful and think of friends who would benefit from it, please forward this to them.  

Godviews -  by Jack Haberer  

Two of my friends who are dealing with some doctrinal dissension that arose over some recent actions by the Presbyterian Church (USA) inspired me to revisit a very helpful and important book: Godviews. Author Jack Haberer, now editor of Presbyterian Outlook, observes that there are five broad views of God that are in the scriptures.  

He sets the stage for the book by describing a powerful experience in Israel. He was standing on Mt. Carmel, where Elijah called down God's fire on the prophets of Baal, and discovered that he could see Caesarea, where Peter went to declare to the Roman, Cornelius, that Gentiles are included in the new reign of Jesus Christ. Here were two dramatically different perspectives on God's will. As he reflected on scripture and his experience, he identified five perspectives.

The Godviews are:

Confessionalist - purity of doctrine matters most to these folks. Whether liberal or conservative, they love to argue fine points of theology. And too often, those who disagree are labeled heretics. While Confessionalists are often more conservative, there are certainly rigid liberals. Sometimes a Confessionalist pastor or leader will have the attitude that "it's my way or the highway."

Devotionalist - Being close to God in prayer and worship is the most important dimension of life. A Devotionalist likely reads scripture daily and spends time in prayer. Spiritual readings or retreats give them meaning. Worship is the center of their life. Doctrine isn't as important as unity with the living Lord.

Ecclesialist - Ecclesiasts are about building up and unifying the church of Jesus Christ. Aware of sin and human folly, they seek to draw others into a new unity. Fine points of doctrine, especially those that divide, are to be tolerated or minimized. It is important to disagree without being disagreeable. A key question is how do we go about strengthening the church to be a witness in a divided world?

Altruist - These are the folks who work on the Habitat for Humanity house, go on a summer mission trip to clean up after a flood, organize and work in a food or clothing bank. Doctrinal and denominational differences are simply not important. What is important is how I and you live out our faith on a daily basis. Let's serve the least of these.

Activist - Amos declared "Let justice roll down like the waters and righteousness like an everflowing stream!" Activists focus on building the new reign of God now, working as individuals and also politically. They recognize that the political structure is critical for insuring justice for all. Some activists would also be Confessionalists, passionate in their pursuit for truth and justice.

While one could come up with other views, I find these very helpful in helping people understand and appreciate each others' perspectives. I have done workshops in which I present the five Godviews and then invite people to take ten adhesive dots and stick them on their clothing. There are five colors of dots, each representing a particular Godview. I tell participants that they can take ten of one color, two of each, or whatever proportion seems right.

Then they are to walk around and engage each other in conversation, being open and curious about what other participants have chosen to represent their Godviews.

If you're dealing with some doctrinal differences, I encourage you to read Godviews.

What books or resources have you found