Fifteen year-old Phoebe Prince committed suicide in S. Hadley, MA, recently, hounded into depression by vicious classmates.  Astounding.

While I haven't seen anything like this in a church, I have seen and heard about bullies in churches.  It's that big giver who threatens to withhold his pledge if the pastor doesn't do what he wants.  It's the head of the Deacons who threatens to leave the church if the others don't do what she tells them to do.  It's the angry, older, alienated ex-leader who spreads venom about the current pastor, governing board, and whomever he is upset about.

I have observed that bullies seem to have more power in smaller churches - perhaps that's because they can have more relative power.  Someone who gives $10,000/year in a little church has a lot more clout than a similar giver in a big church.

"What do I do about so-and-so?" ask some clients.

Arthur Paul Boers has written a terrific book about difficult people - Never Call Them Jerks.   He cautions pastors to be very aware of how these difficult people are hooking them.  Is the person really a jerk or does she ring your bells at a very deep level? 

So first, it's important to be aware of how you react internally to that difficult person's behavior and how you respond externally.  Try that as an exercise for a month or so.  You may want to consult with a counselor or coach or trusted colleague if you think you're over-reacting.

But then (or maybe even concurrently), it's important to recognize that nasty people (bullies) sometimes prey on churches.  For whatever reasons, there are some people who gain something from pushing others around in a church.  I remember a building committee chairman at one church I served.  He was stuck in a middle management position and took out his job frustration in how he controlled his turf in the church.

Boers, quoting Friedman and Steinke, notes that churches sometimes encourage emotionally immature behavior.  Church people think they need to be nice and so put up with behavior that wouldn't be tolerated in other settings - especially the workplace.  I have asked some who are complaining about a person who is really difficult: "what would happen if someone did this where you work or in a typical office?"  The answer is always a variation on "they'd be out of a job - or at least passed by for promotion."

It is critical for the pastor or other leader to describe reality as he/she sees it.  "I observe that when Jim snaps at us and tells us that we're wrong, nobody pushes back and we meekly do what he wants - and then complain later.  What is going on here?  Is this what we expect of members in our church?"

Boers stresses that you don't just label someone a jerk.  It's really important to listen to that person, hear legitimate complaints and concerns,try to see things from that person's perspective.  Deal with them in a non-anxious manner but don't let them run over you.   

However, the pastor must not be the only person seeking to moderate behavior.  Other leaders - respected persons both on and off the governing board - need to set clear expectations for behavior.  And they take responsibility to see that that immature, anxious persons don't gain official positions of power.

There is much more to be said than I can say in one short article.  I encourage you to read Never Call Them Jerks.  Hugh Halverstadt has an excellent book on managing conflict.  I've mentioned Surviving Through Ministry Conflict before.  Peter Steinke's books are great.  Another classic is Coping with Difficult People by Bramson.

If you're having difficulty with someone and would like some coaching, please get in touch.  I'd be glad to help.  If you know someone who might find this helpful, please forward it to them - and please use the button in the newsletter.

Here's to healthy churches - with healthy leaders!