1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."

10. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

11. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
 

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, "Here Try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them." I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here Try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here You try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into your pants." Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
 

Hard to Please