Do Opposites Really Attract?
The Power of Understanding People - Hollywood Style is my most popular program. During this program, participants complete an assessment to determine how they make meaning of their experiences (interactive schemas), how these schemas impact the way they communicate and what intrinsic needs they have to maintain personal contentment and performance. As I explain each of these schemas, many audience members react with a common comment, "OMG, my spouse and I are so different." It happens so often, that I have wondered if we actually do find our differences to be more attractive than our similarities.
The short answer is no. When a participant actually sends me the assessment of a spouse, or when both partners happen to be in the class, it is just as likely the two are similar in style as it is that they are very different. There is probably some gender oriented differences created by society's expectations of the role of a man and a woman. This might explain why two people with the same or similar style may appear different within the marriage. But if the question is, "do very different interactive schemas appear to attract each other?" I have not found that to be the case.
On the other hand, I have not noticed an abundance of similar style marriages either. There are as many couples who have very different styles from one another as there are marriages of common styles. In the former example, this couple has the potential to work well as a team, but could find that the individual's intrinsic needs are not fulfilled over time. In the latter example, the couple may be very happy with each other but struggle to handle all of the demands associated with marriage. Neither is better, neither is doomed. They are simply two different scenarios of marriage.
So does interactive style have any impact on love? Yes and no, in my opinion. I think love is initially driven by chemical elements: pheromones, testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, dopamine, etc. As the impact of the neuroscience of love fades, often nearly a decade into the relationship, then the intrinsic needs of the individuals become more important. Each person needs an abundance of one of these four things in life: appreciation, independence, security and excitement. Unfortunately, each person's intrinsic need is different. If a husband provides security to a wife who longs for excitement, for example, then the marriage may suffer. And since we tend to provide others what we want for ourselves, marriages of diversity may fall victim to a lack of intrinsic needs fulfillment.
So do opposites attract? Sure, they can. But is this the key to a sustained and happy marriage? No. Being in a relationship that fulfills your intrinsic needs is far more likely to create an enduring union. And don't assume that what you need is what your partner needs. The good news is that by learning the intrinsic needs of your spouse you can do a better job of fulfilling them.
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