Last week I wrote about the value of resistance, the value of being honest about our desire not to do what we know is good to do.  The honest "no" protects one's freedom to choose.  I suggested that those who tend to automatically say yes to what they are asked to do may regret that later, and may communicate a passive "no" by either avoiding getting to it (didn't have time), or doing it grudgingly.   The ability to say "no" first, when uncertain, makes it more possible to think things through and make a free decision, whether that is "yes" or "no."  "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'."  (Matthew 5:37)

Now of course if we continue to resist reality, the way life is, the way things really work, "God's will", the way to LIFE, we will suffer the consequences of our resistance.  I like a saying of Byron Katie's:  "If you fight reality you lose, but only every time!" (From Loving What Is). There are realities that if we beat against them it is like beating one's head against a brick wall - the only one that gets hurt is oneself.  And that's as it should be.  People who bang their heads on a brick wall should feel the pain screaming at them "STOP! ACCEPT THAT THIS WALL IS NOT GOING TO MOVE! TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS WALL IS NOT THE WAY TO LIVE!"

It's not a brilliant insight that we all want life to work our way. We want to have control over our happiness and we think we know what leads to it.  And we can't help but be wrong, since our perspective is tainted by all that the world would have us believe makes for a good life.  Sometimes even (or especially) what parents teach us by words or example about how one should live is wrong.   Being surrounded by this and our own natural tendency to try to get our way, we don't have much of a chance of learning to live well without hitting a few brick walls along the way, where we have to admit, "This just isn't working."

Often our resistance has to do with the desire or commitment to avoid pain and disappointment.  Frankly I would like to grow, become more mature, have more compassion, more self-control, more courage without hurting.  I don't think something is wrong with me or you for wanting that - it's a legitimate desire.  It's when not hurting becomes a commitment thatit becomes a real hindrance to everything we most deeply long for.

I think of the first time I water skied.  Got up on the first try, went around the small lake a couple times, and came in to shore standing up after letting go of the rope.  I never fell down.  But because I didn't fall down did I look forward to the next time?  No, I think I was more afraid of the next time, not less.  Why would that be?  That's right - one cannot learn to water ski without falling down, without discovering that while falls may hurt a bit (physically and ego-wise), the pain is worth going through in order to enjoy skiing.   In fact, the more sincerely one can say to oneself, "I am willing to get hurt" the better, more creatively, and more joyfully one can ski.

That is not profound.  That is life.  But you and I have an incredible ability to organize our lives in such a way that pain is minimized, even seemingly made to disappear.  But when we use that ability to avoid necessary pain, something good in our souls is hidden away.  We may look good and even feel good on the surface, but deep down we may feel a kind of deadness.

I'm afraid sometimes that Sunday morning church may be the worst time to determine how people are really experiencing life.  It may be the time when we most want to "look like good Christians" thereby denying the realities of our struggles, the struggles that become entrance points to a deeper experience of grace and truth if we do not resist them, but embrace them for what they are.

To live to not get hurt or feel disappointed is not freedom - it is bondage.  We need to know we can get hurt and significantly disappointed and not only survive, but grow through the experiences.  The way to find that out is to vulnerably and courageously surrender to life and open up to it as it is, as it comes, whether it hurts or not, and rest in the awareness that under it all is Love, is God, and that we are in His Hands, safe from all that can truly harm us.

Sometimes it takes awhile for us to work through all the crap and get down to the Love that is always there - that's where we need each other.

"Jesus, thank you for giving me the ability to resist you, to be honest with you about where I really am, to say 'no' to you.  But since my life is in You, I cannot forever resist you and experience what I most long for.  Thank you for not changing reality to fit me, but continuing to work to change me to fit reality, so that we can work together in Your redemptive work.  Amen"

I work with individuals, couples, and families to identify the ways of life and death in their lives and help uncover the motivation to choose that which leads to life, whether it be through counseling or spiritual direction.  - Sheldon Swartz, MA/LMFT