This is especially for those who tend to be pleasers, who try to feel good about themselves by not disappointing others (which is really just a more subtle form of control and self-protection than overt attempts to control others.)  (I can say this because that is my tendency and those are my motives when I am doing it. :) )

I think a wholehearted "No" may be better in the long run than a half-hearted "Yes."  If you aren't sure about this, ask yourself how you would want someone to respond if they didn't want to do what you asked them to do.  Would you rather hear a "yes" out of obligation and duty and fear of facing your displeasure, or a "no" that represents their emotional honesty?

Here's the story Jesus told. " What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work today in the vineyard.'   'I will not,' he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.
 "Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, 'I will, sir,' but he did not go.
 "Which of the two did what his father wanted?"
      "The first," they answered.

In other words, the one that said "no" did the father's will. That son said "no" and lived a "yes".  The second said "yes" and lived a "no."  Jesus' point in this story was that those who appeared to be saying "no" to God (the 'sinners') were actually saying "yes" to Him, and those who appeared to be saying "yes" to God (the religious leaders), were actually saying "no" to Him.  Perhaps persons who don't need to be religious can be more honest in their responses??  Perhaps those who know they are sinners and are reconciled to that fact can be more honest?  Perhaps that is attractive to God?  Perhaps they are closer to the Kingdom?

I hate this whole idea . . . and I love it.  I hate it because saying yes, maybe even going through the motions of doing it, but not really doing it is way too close to home!    I'm the good guy, after all, and good guys do what others want!  Isn't that what Jesus did?  (Ha) 

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their Boundaries book talk about the wisdom of when doubting whether to say yes or no, say no first.  You can then consider the decision from a position of not being pressured by your desire to please or not disappoint another and make a free choice, either re-affirming your no or freely saying yes.  It's like the initial resistance, or the no, protects one's freedom to choose, and being able to make decisions out of the freedom to choose is priceless.

You know as well I I do that often decisions made impulsively or under pressure lead to regret.  It feels like we really didn't choose - we just went along with whatever impulse or pressure we felt at the moment.  And the results are good for no one.  So, to be able to resist - our impulses, other's impulses toward us, yes, even God - is part of learning how to make free decisions that we can truly own as ours, and therefore stand firmly on.

I don't believe there is a way to grow toward maturity without resistance, without being honest about where we are, even though it is not where we wish we were or others wish we were.  To believe that God would rather we be honest and resist than dishonest and conform is genuine trust in God, believing that in fact God knows love cannot be genuine unless it is free, and that it cannot be free unless it can be resisted.

I don't know that this is unlike any of our human relationships - that if love is to be free the other person always needs to be free to say no to us, and we need to be able to say no to them.  This protects the freedom of choice that is a part of love.  Isn't it often much easier to ask someone to do something if we know they can say no?  That way we know if they choose to do it their heart just might be in it!

Next time we will consider the dangers of resistance.

"Jesus, I'm spending my life trying to really get it that you value honesty more than conformity - that practicing external conformity without internal integrity leads to death.  I get it that I want people to be real with me.  And I am best when I am real with others.  But that seems dangerous.  Help me to more fully 'get it' that the alternative to that is infinitely more dangerous to my soul.  I pray in Your name, the One who chose to give His life so that I (and may others) could have one.  Amen"

I work with individuals, couples, and families to identify the ways of life and death in their lives and help uncover the motivation to choose that which leads to life, whether it be through counseling or spiritual direction.  - Sheldon Swartz, MA/LMFT