"Carry each others' burdens. . . each one should carry his own load." - Galatians 6:2,5
The book that I have most recommended to clients I work with is Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I continue to hear testimonies about how helpful the book has been. Every time I read something in it I am inspired to be more clear about what I try to do and what I don't.
Dr. Townsend will the the keynote presenter this Saturday at the Day of Healing held annually in Wabash, Indiana, put on by the Wabash Friends Counseling Center. Still time to sign up, I believe, if you live nearby and would like to take a day for yourself or grab a friend or spouse and check it out for yourself. There's also a slew of workshops to choose from. Not expensive, either, for what you get.
I'm aware of how relieved I feel when someone is clear about who they are, what they are willing to do, and what they aren't willing to do. I am also aware of how relieved I am when I am finally clear about what I can and will do and what I won't! It is energizing and makes relational guesswork less necessary.
When I can count on others to set necessary boundaries in their lives, I find it easier to ask them for something. And when I am kind and clear about my own boundaries, I suspect it becomes easier to ask me for something (unless, of course, I always say no!) That is so because it is much more satisfying in relationships to have what is given be given freely, instead out of guilt or obligation. Maybe it is even an insult to the other when we give out of guilt or obligation because we are acting as if the other person can't handle a "no" from us - like they need our "yes" in order for them to be ok.
Is it true that the more free we are to think things through and say yes or no accordingly, the more we are likely to accept the "yes" and "no" of others? Maybe it also works that the more free we are to accept the "yes" and "no" of others, the more likely we are to accept our own freedom to do the same.
I believe God would much rather hear an honest, heartfelt
no" than an obligatory "yes." But we may be hesitant to say "no" to God, because we have the idea that we will be rejected for not conforming to God's desires or will. (Like we have conformed to those desires up until now and saying "no" would be a new thing! Of course passive "no's" don't really feel like real "no's", even though they are - so we think we are being nice when really we stink.)
Where do we learn that an honest "no" costs relationship? Probably from our experiences in human relationships where we have been abandoned or rejected when we didn't give other people what it seems they wanted. But mature relationships include the freedom to be oneself, and be to be honest, because in those relationships one is not expecting that the other automatically give us what we want, just because we asked. The freedom of others to choose is highly valued, and no one values freedom of choice more than God.
"Lord Jesus, help me to live in the freedom of knowing that you gave me my life for me to live, not for it to be lived by others. I know that it is best lived if I make my own decisions, even if they are wrong, since I may be able to learn from my mistakes. And of course if I live my life and choose what I know to be wrong, you won't magically make things right. But you will forgive me and help me to be humble enough to change directions. Thanks. Amen"
I work with individuals, couples, and families to identify the ways of life and death in their lives and help uncover the motivation to choose that which leads to life, whether it be through counseling or spiritual direction. - Sheldon Swartz, MA/LMFT |
