"At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God." - Hebrews 12: 11 (The Message)

Somebody said, "All good things come to those who wait."
Is that true?  When was this said to you, if ever? For some reason it seems like an old phrase, maybe even an outdated one.  Doesn't really fit with the culture and times we are in.  Does not this seem more true?  "If you wait, you will miss out on the good."

It seems to be a reality of life that what is truly good is not immediately available.  The danger is in our thinking that if delay gratification, we will suffer.  I suppose we all delay gratification in the interest of experiencing a greater pleasure later.  If I know I am going to eat a special meal in the evening, I more easily deny myself the pleasure  of walking down to the gas station to get a donut.  There is something good waiting for me that can be more profoundly experienced as good only if I wait.

I agree with whoever said that our desires are not too strong - they are too weak.  For instance, the desire to experience sexual pleasure in relationship as God intended often seems not strong enough to do make it so a person can say no to the passion of the moment. Of course if we have practiced giving in to passion of the moment, it can seem excruciating to have to wait.  But if one has all along controlled the expression of passion for a higher purpose, it isn't as hard.  One believes one can wait.

I wish I could somehow convince every young person to save sex for marriage.  I wish guys would respect girls more.  I wish girls would respect themselves more and believe in their guy.  Oprah had a young dating couple on her show the other week who were, with the help of an "expert", trying to discern whether they were ready for sexual intercourse.  It was enlightening when the "expert" who was questioning them asked how long they were planning on being together.   They both said,  "A long time."  When she asked the fella what a long time was, he thought maybe six months.  She was thinking much longer but seemed unable to say how long a long time was to her. 

The fella's definition of a long time put her in a position to be aware that getting more involved sexually did not sound good to her in the context of a temporary relationship.  Just a hunch, but I would guess she couldn't come up with her definition of a long time because she couldn't think of a time that would be long enough for her to feel OK about it, without a marriage commitment from him.  Now, fortunately in this story the fella appears to really care about her and it is conceivable that he would respect and support her decision.  Unfortunately it is too often the girl that has the burden of the decision of how far to go . . . How did it get to be that way?

If a woman has been taught or observed that males cannot control themselves sexually, how would it make her feel if he takes on the responsibility of setting the limits or initiates conversation where together they come up with limits and then he initiates the keeping of those limits?   Oh, she might think he doesn't really love her ('cause if he can't seem to control himself sexually in relation to her that means he loves her, right?) but if he is willing to let her think that and not prove anything, she'll be ok.  And for sure he will be OK.

I'm thinking now of how God wants to be intimate with us (relational passion) but never violates us so He feels better.  God is totally respectful of our dignity and need to choose.  He waits . . . and waits . . . and waits.  He may even say "no" to the ways we try to force intimacy with Him, knowing that in the end, the only kind of intimacy that really means anything is that which is unforced and grown over a long period of time.

Well, that wasn't what I was really going to write about when it comes to delaying gratification, but that's what came out this time!

"God, sometimes I think that you would do all of us a favor if you would give us a profound taste of the truly good first thing in our lives, so that after that when we settle for the lessor good we would have some sense of what we are sacrificing and be able to say no more quickly to the stuff that makes us feel good right now and weakens us.  Come to think of it, maybe you did do that, because there really is nothing humanly better than being a helpless infant resting in a loving mother's arms and feeding at her breast when hungry. Contented babies wait well, don't they?  I think I forgot that experience.  Help me to rest in your abundant provisions for me so that when I need to wait for something I won't believe I am being deprived of anything that matters.  As always, thanks.  Amen"

I work with individuals, couples, and families to identify the ways of life and death in their lives and help uncover the motivation to choose that which leads to life, whether it be through counseling or spiritual direction.  - Sheldon Swartz, MA/LMFT