A Few Thoughts From Sheldon Swartz

If God said this, then it must indicate that it the fear of being alone and abandoned is very strong in our lives, even though it may only be at particular times that we feel it. We may be able to keep busy enough with good things that we don't believe we fear aloneness at all, when, perhaps, all the activity may actually be a sign that we do.

I don't think it takes a lot of brights to know that human beings have need for human relationship. Even if we dream of getting away at times from people into some solitude for once, we would not want to be there forever. If someone said, "If you go away you will never be able to come back" we would have some sense, I believe, that we would be leaving for a hellish life, and wouldn't go, no matter how difficult dealing with people becomes, because bad presence is preferable to no presence. Someone has suggested that hell is the state of always being fully aware of one's needs for relationship and having no relationship possible, ever. Like being thirsty with no water forever.

Now, of course, it seems that in order for our needs for relationship to be met, we have to do something. You can't just sit there! It's hard to sit still in another's presence and not feel like one has to do anything, yet unpressured presence is what we all long for at a deep level. Presence where nothing is expected of us, at all. Where we can just and be aware, if we pay attention, of how healing it is to just be, and not be alone.

My wife Velma is a chaplain at Greencroft Health Care here in Goshen and she told me this week of her experience of sitting with a woman who was dying, gently touching her face, her hair, etc., for awhile and then knowing the moment her spirit left her body. (I never had that experience, but hope to sometime. Seems like it would be a holy moment.) Her presence changed from being very significant to the woman dying to not helpful at all.

As best I can imagine, if I lost someone close to me through death, it would not be primarily what people say at the visitation that would mean a lot to me. It would be the fact that they are present - that's it. I think I can understand that "thank you for coming" is not just the polite thing to say. It is meant.

It is so moving to me when I have the experience with someone who has been dealing with some deep pain that may trace back to a deep hurt in their childhood, of seeing the profound change when they experience Jesus being present with them in those places, perhaps communicating to them healing truth. Something settles. Something becomes ok, no, OKAY. And the person is at least a little different, a little more "at home" in themselves, if not a lot more.

I believe we have something of that function with each other; of being present with others in their places of pain as they have the courage and vulnerable enough to let us get close enough to do that. And of course it goes both ways. So often, of course, our tendency is to want to get away from people who are in pain (including ourselves) because, frankly, we aren't pretty when we are hurting, especially when there's a lot of anger covering the pain! We'd like the ugliness transformed by something other than our loving presence!

So, while we cannot offer PRESENCE to each other, we can offer presence - nonpressured acceptance of the other exactly as they are, where they are, as long as they are. And we can begin with ourselves.

"Lord Jesus, sin and pain is just plain ugly sometimes. It's so much easier to act it out or bury it in some way, but then it gets worse. Thanks for not taking that route in your work of redeeming us, instead coming toward us, knowing that Love and Truth is more powerful than anything that is destructive. I guess this time I won't ask you to help me with anything. Just, thanks for being there. I know you can't do anything other than that because of Who You Are, but thanks anyway! Amen"

I work with individuals, couples, and families to identify the ways of life and death in their lives and help uncover the motivation to choose that which leads to life, whether it be through counseling or spiritual direction. - Sheldon Swartz, MA/LMFT