He took the coffee filter full of grounds out and said, "If you pour the purest of water through this filter, what comes out looks like, tastes like, and smells like coffee.  You've been talking to me about the living water of Christ's love for me, but when I pour that living water through the filter that is my brain, it comes out looking like I am a bad person.  Not even Jesus could love me."  This is the image a man used to describe the power of shame, recorded in Mark and Debra Laaser's latest book, The Seven Desires of Every Heart

We've all had the experiences of falling short in some way and having a hard time forgiving ourselves.  Another may see us struggling and assures us of the truth that God loves us as we are, with our failures.  But it's just words. True words, yes, but they just don't penetrate.  No matter how we hard we try to believe them they give us no real relief in our soul. 

That's the power of shame.  Guilt is relatively easy to deal with in comparison to shame. One can be forgiven of guilt (doing something wrong) and feel clean and new and worthwhile.  With shame our failures mean we are bad persons (we didn't just do something bad, we are bad) - at the core unlovable, and we fear and avoid exposure like it would kill us.

Of course when I am especially focused on something I get to experience it.  The other day I had done something that touched off something painful in Velma.  Out of her pain she was questioning me about my behavior.  Even though I did not really believe I was wrong, I felt like a bad person, and sadly, it took me a few days to be able to talk with her about it in a way that helped. This included her being able to talk about what the experience touched in her that had nothing to do with the incident itself. 

However, in the meantime any sense of closeness between us was gone, even though we were not being unkind to each other.  I hated it.  I hated that I couldn't deal with it more quickly and constructively.  After all, I am supposed to deal with things well - I'm the good guy!.  Now that is a major part of where the shame comes from - the belief that I am supposed to deal with things well.  When I don't, I feel exposed as fallible and unworthy of love.  Even if you are able to love me, I won't!

There's where the value of poverty of spirit comes in - when I realize there is nothing I can do to become more lovable . . . . . . and give up trying.  I just don't have the resources to make myself acceptable.  Those are freeing moments, rich moments. It is good news. I am graced, freed from the burden of trying to gain any kind of acceptability through what I do.  I get it that at the core I am lovable as I am.  And for a few moments, maybe hours, even sometimes days, I may live a little less self-centeredly.  I wish it lasted longer and was more pervasive in my life.

"Jesus, I am amazed at times with how far you let me go in my attempts to hide.  Since those hiding places aren't all they are cracked up to be, you know I may discover that reality, and decide to respond to your persistent, gentle ' Where are you?' questioning. and begin the road back to You again.  That road is pretty well traveled by now, by both of us. Thank You.  Amen"