Greetings!
As
we continue through this Easter season, many of us may be having a
difficult time being joyful because of what is happening in our lives.
This is a natural part of going through a divorce or trying to find
your way in the post-divorce years. The Old Testament tells us, "There
is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every
event under heaven. . . A time to mourn, and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1). And so we must mourn, but the
seasons will turn and we will eventually dance again. Jesus promised
the apostles He would send them the Holy Spirit, and so He did on
Pentecost, and their sorrow over Jesus' death was turned into
inexplicable joy.
In this issue of our monthly E-Newsletter we
focus on the Holy Spirit and the wonderful gifts He brings to our lives
when we open ourselves to Him. Despite our own sorrow and difficulties,
let us hope in the Holy Spirit and the promise of peace and healing for
our lives.
|
The Sweet Guest of the Divorced Soul. . .
How One Woman Found Peace Amid the Turmoil of Her Divorce
 by Karen Corrigan-Sermons
I'm just about the farthest person there is from a religious scholar, so it is, perhaps, a stroke of irony that I find myself writing about the Holy Spirit, a mystery of our Faith and something considered to be one of the most, well. . . mystifying.
Then again, perhaps it's not irony, but the prompting of the Holy Spirit, Himself. I wouldn't wonder at that. From my experience, that's kind of the way It works.
In those dark, dark days that marked the end of my marriage, I grasped at anything - secular or spiritual - that might stop the nightmare that I found myself in. As a lifelong Catholic, prayer was certainly one of those things. Erratic and frantic, my prayers were hardly worthy of the term, at least, that's what I thought. I prayed angry. I prayed desperate. I prayed to God asking, "Please! Please! Stop this terrible thing that was happening! I would later realize - despite the extreme emotions fueling my prayers - that this communication with God was, in fact, the kind of prayer he desired from me. Open, honest communication.
But these prayers, prayed scattershot throughout the day, simply weren't producing the outcome I wanted. My husband and I were further from reconciling than ever. And, though I'm not proud to admit it, I had many moments of spiritual foot-stomping. I wanted results! I wanted to preserve my marriage and my family! Wasn't this a cause worthy of divine intervention?
It was at this time I started praying to the Holy Spirit.
Why the Holy Spirit? The answer is simple and perhaps, self-serving. I knew the Holy Spirit was powerful - scary powerful, and feeling utterly powerless, this appealed to me greatly. Turning to the Holy Spirit was an act of faith for me, no question, but it was hardly a disinterested one.
Like a carpenter turning to a shiny power tool to get the job done, I prayed to the Holy Spirit. Now, if I expected these prayers to dramatically change the circumstances of my life, I couldn't have been more disappointed. My husband left. All at once, I was alone with two children, one a six-month old. I was unemployed, having stopped working to have the baby.
But things were changing, nevertheless. Not from without, but from within. While I had no clearer idea what God's will in my life might be, I stopped making demands of Him. This truly was a gift of the Holy Spirit - and one that has resulted in more peace than I could have ever imagined. I also had strength and energy that I had no business having, being woken up routinely through the night by my six-month old. This, too, was a gift. My prayer life became easier and far richer, and I found myself experiencing moments of extreme joy, such as I had not felt before in my life.
I was, and am, intensely grateful for these gifts. But I was also intrigued. Just what had I tapped into here? Despite years of CCD in the late 70's, I knew very little about the nature of the Holy Spirit.
Prompted by my experiences (and the writing of this very article) I've learned more. And what I've learned corresponds so beautifully to what I experienced myself. I've learned that, as in own experience, the Holy Spirit works from within, not without. In fact, the Catechism of the Catholic Church refers to the Holy Spirit as the "The One whom the Father has sent into our hearts" (CCC no. 689). I've learned of the gifts of the Holy Spirit: Wisdom, Understanding, Counsel, Fortitude, Knowledge, Piety, Fear of the Lord and I'm awed to realize that I've been blessed with these very gifts, especially Fortitude. Most recently, I've been learning about the fruit of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control (Galatians 5:19-23) and do I ever want more of those things in my life.
So through my imperfect understanding and prayer, I reached out to and was filled by the most perfect balm for the pain of my divorce. And I guess that's my point, the whole reason I've felt so compelled to write this, despite feeling so very unqualified to do so. I wanted to share the idea that the very things in a divorce that are the most destructive and soul-wrenching - the fear, the uncertainty, the sadness, the anger, the weakness and feelings of hopelessness - for me were the very things for which the Holy Spirit offered most comfort.
During your divorce, you may not be able to change what is happening from without, but with the aid of the Holy Spirit you can be fortified from within.
Copyright © 2008 Karen Corrigan-Sermons
|
|
The "Eighth Sacrament"
The Holy Spirit Heals Us Through the Annulment Process
by Lisa Duffy
After a divorce, there is much healing to do. There are so many people whose marriages have been destroyed and their faith in the institution of marriage, other people, and God visibly shaken. Husbands and wives, children and extended families, even friends, all suffer from witnessing the demise of a marriage.
But truth be told, the need for healing doesn't stop there. Families are the fabric of our society and when families are torn apart, our society suffers, as does the Church - the Body of Christ. The hurt that is caused reaches far beyond the spouses who are going their separate ways. It is no wonder God said, "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16).
Contrary to what many people believe, the Catholic Church longs to embrace and heal her members and bring the peace and joy of Christ back into their broken lives. One of the ways the Church extends this healing to us is in the annulment process. Now, just the very mention of the word "annulment" begins a heated debate among many, particularly because there is a severe lack of understanding about what an "annulment" actually is and why the Church conducts the process as it does. If you polled divorced Catholics who have gone through the annulment process, you would find many and varied answers ranging from indignation and disappointment to joy and enthusiasm. But despite those who cite negative experiences, there are many Catholics who refer to the annulment process as the "eighth sacrament." Why? Because of its powerful healing nature, but more so, because it is an opportunity for the Holy Spirit to work in our hearts.
Many divorced Catholics today have somewhat of an "entitlement" attitude when it comes to getting an annulment. It's almost as if the Catholic Church owes them a "green light" so-to-speak, to get married again and they perceive the annulment process to be a bothersome and intrusive procedure that simply gets in the way of their plans. What is surprising and unfortunate about this type of attitude, is the fact that their first marriage failed - for a variety of reasons, but most likely due to an extreme lack of preparation for marriage - and yet, despite all the pain they've suffered because of their divorce, they insist on committing themselves to another relationship without even giving a thought to the necessity of properly and completely healing from their divorce or preparing for a new marriage. With the divorce rate for second marriages being higher than the divorce rate for first marriages, it's imperative that we, as Catholics, begin understanding what the annulment process is truly about.
For the purposes of this article I can briefly describe the process in this way:
The annulment process is the procedure the Catholic Tribunal uses to determine whether or not a sacramental bond took place between God, the bride, and the groom on the day of the wedding. At the end of this painstaking process, the Tribunal declares one of two things: that either a sacramental bond did indeed take place and the two spouses are bound to each other til death do us part . . . or, no sacramental bond took place on the day of the wedding and the "spouses" are not bound to each other until death. In the latter case, the Tribunal issues a "declaration of nullity" or "annulment," as it is more commonly referred to.
Simply stated, there is no "dissolving" or "annulling" a marriage by the Church, because that would be contrary to the teaching of Christ. The annulment process, is simply an investigation into the couple's relationship, a determination of whether or not a sacramental bond took place, and a declaration that states whether or not the couple is still bound to each other or not.
In my own experience, I was somewhat leery of initiating the annulment process after my own divorce in 1994. I wanted to remarry some day, but I had heard different negative things about the process and was cautious, to say the least. I discussed my situation with my pastor and gained some understanding, and although it wasn't entirely clear yet, I knew more clarity would come as I actually took each of the steps necessary. So I initiated the process and within a few weeks, was sent my questionnaire to fill out. 110 questions!! Were the questions intensely personal? You bet. When I received the questionnaire in the mail and read it for the first time, I had to put it away for a week before I could bring myself to look at it again. And when I did, I found the questions dredged up incredible pain and highly uncomfortable memories and feelings - so much so that I would cry for hours after answering questions. I would take about 10 questions at a time and actually had to schedule time to be upset just so I could get through it all.
Was I angry about this? Did I feel the Church was sticking it's nose where it didn't belong? No. These questions opened my eyes to exactly how ill-prepared we both had been for marriage, but even more, how obvious it must have been to others that the "love" my ex-spouse and I claimed to have for each other was merely an entanglement of emotions with no solid foundation. When I took the time to answer questions and then had at least a week before the next round, I did a lot of work on my interior self. Through the Holy Spirit's gentle grace, I began to accept what had happened without anger and open myself to the possibility of forgiving my ex-spouse. More importantly, I began to recognize the things I needed to change about myself before I would be ready to give myself to someone else in marriage again. With the Holy Spirit as my guide, these aspects of the process brought me tremendous hope and healing.
There was another factor through which the Holy Spirit brought me hope and growth, and that was in realizing that the final verdict this process would render - whether or not I would be free to marry or remain bound to my ex-spouse - was out of my control. It was entirely up to the Tribunal and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and no matter how much I may have wanted to re-marry, I would simply have to wait for their decision. And for me (being the control-freak that I am) the thought of having to wait without having any control over the decision could have been mental torment! But I had come much closer to God during the months it took me to complete my questionnaire, and I realized something critical. . . I had gotten married once already and it was completely on my terms. I had done it my way, and it was a disaster! This time, if I was given another chance at marriage, I didn't want it to be a disaster as well. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I wanted God to show me the way to happiness since I hadn't included Him the first time. I felt I would never be able to survive another divorce, so it had to be different the next time - if there was one. So when I turned in all the paperwork and had only time to wait, I prayed every day, "Lord, I want what You want. Whatever the verdict is, I will be happy, because I know You are in charge." This was not easy to say the first several times, but it became my act of love for God, and eventually, I grew to love saying this little prayer.
Some months later, I received a letter from my diocese stating the decision in the first instance - that my marriage was never a sacramental bond. However, according to the letter, I still was not free to marry until I received a second letter after the case had been reviewed by the Archdiocese. I finally did receive this second letter stating that I was free to marry in the Church and it arrived in my mailbox 4 years to the day my ex-husband had walked out.
Many years later, after I was happily remarried with 3 beautiful children, I had to pull these documents out for legal reasons. I looked at the two letters again and then something important caught my eye. . . the first letter - stating I was free to marry - was dated June 17, 1997. I was filled with incredulousness as I ran upstairs to show my husband, because June 17th is now our wedding anniversary. These were just little reminders to me that, yes, the Holy Spirit was in charge the whole time.
I pray that this significance of the work of the Holy Spirit, whether through the seven sacraments of the Church, or through this beautiful "eighth sacrament" will not be taken for granted by those who truly need His grace.
Copyright © 2008 Lisa Duffy
|
Ask Deacon Mike . . .
Q: Dear Deacon Mike:
I was married for 10 years to a man who finally went to prison for attempted murder - he tried to kill me. I was an abused wife for 10 years.
After that marriage, I was single for 10 years. I am now happily remarried and have been for 16 years. My husband wants to convert and become a Catholic. I want an annulment and have been told it will cost $5,000 I'm sorry but I simply can not afford this. Do you have any suggestions or a source where I can go for help? I do not want to go to my pastor because I do not want to be turned away and I do not want him to know. I went to my pastor where we used to live and he turned me away until I get the annulment which I simply can not afford.
Karen, Mt. Juliet, TN
A:Dear Karen:
First, let me say how happy I am that you are able to write this letter. What an awful situation you had to endure, but thankfully, you are a survivor.
I rejoice that you and your new husband desire to join us in the fullness of our Catholic faith. I also rejoice that you are both seeking the blessings that come from having your marriage convalidated within the Church and that you both will, with God's grace, be restored to full participation within the Church.
Each diocese has its own policies and procedures for the annulment process, which include what your financial responsibility for fees associated with the annulment process. These fees vary depending upon the complexity of your annulment and your financial capabilities. I am personally not aware of any diocese that turns people away if they are financially not able to pay their portion of the fees associated with their annulment case. In any case, please call your local Diocesan Tribunal office and they will be able to give you proper advice concerning their policies, procedures and fee structure. They will also be able to advise you as to who (case sponsors) you can work with in a confidential manner as you begin the process of seeking an annulment.
God Bless, Deacon Mike
Q: Dear Deacon Mike:
I am writing this as a child from a divorce. My parents were divorced in 1997. Now as a 24 year old man, I am concerned with dating, relationships and the possibility of marriage because my parent's and both sisters have been divorced. I watched you video and enjoyed it. How can I get a sense of peace in my own hopeful vocational call to marriage? Any advice you can offer can be grateful. I pray that both my parents get remarried but for now they live single lives.
Derek, Philadelphia, PA
A: Dear Derek:
Often times I hear from fellow children of divorced parents about the same or similar issues as you mention in your letter. When my wife and I began our dating process, well intentioned people actually told us that our relationship would not work as we were both the oldest children of divorced parents. After almost 29 years of marriage, three daughters and four (exceptionally beautiful!) granddaughters, I am happy to report that they were wrong.
As you enter into dating relationships, look for someone who shares your values, your beliefs, your goals and your dreams. Be open and honest in your sharing with each other. Don't hesitate to share your fears about the divorce you survived, as well as how that has affected you. I also recommend that in addition to your personal private prayer, that you learn to pray together. If marriage truly is the vocation you are being called to, as someone much wiser than me once said, you will know when you know!
God Bless, Deacon Mike
|
|
|
|
|
Prayer to
the Holy Spirit
Come, Holy Spirit!
Replace the tension within us with a holy relaxation.
Replace the turbulence within us with a sacred calm.
Replace the anxiety within us with a quiet confidence.
Replace the fear within us with a strong faith.
Replace the bitterness within us with the sweetness of grace.
Replace the darkness within us with a gentle light.
Replace the coldness within us with a loving warmth.
Replace the the night within us with your light.
Straighten our crookedness, fill our emptiness.
Dull the edge of our pride, sharpen the edge of our humility,
Light the fires of our love, quench the flames of our lust.
Let us see ourselves as you see us
that we may see you as you have promised
and be fortunate according to your word:
"Blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see God (Mt. 5: 8). |
Did You Know?
The Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit
Wisdom
Understanding
Counsel
Fortitude
Knowledge
Piety
Fear of the Lord
The Nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience Kindness Goodness Faithfulness Gentleness and Self-Control
|
From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
When He proclaims and promises the coming of the Holy Spirit, Jesus calls Him the "Paraclete," literally, "He who is called to one's side," ad-vocatus.18 "Paraclete" is commonly translated by "Consoler," and Jesus is the first Consoler.19 The Lord also called the Holy Spirit "the Spirit of truth." (CCC no. 692)
|
|
