Getting through the holidays can be difficult when you're divorced, and just when they seem to be over and you think you can breathe easy, here comes Valentine's Day! A celebration of love? Yeah, right! For a man or woman who is divorced, celebrating love is very hard to do. That is, of course, unless you know the secret...

I've heard people say they avoid the "pink" isles in stores at all costs. I've heard some say they take the money they would have spent on their spouses and spend it on themselves instead. One woman even went so far as to send herself a bouquet of roses to her office with an "anonymous admirer" note to defray the embarrassment of her divorce in front of others. Okay, it's entirely reasonable to not want to be embarrassed or feel bad. But what is everyone trying to accomplish in doing these things? It's simple. They want to believe they are desireable, valuable, and worthy of being loved. Do you know what the secret to finding that kind of peace of mind is?

Valentine's Day is actually a feast day in honor of St. Valentine (Valentinus) which began in the year 496 AD. Valentinus was a Roman priest who married Christian couples in secret and gave aid to other Christians during this time of persecution. He was actually brutally beaten and then beheaded for refusing to renounce his faith. In this day and age, one might wonder what would make someone want to die instead of disavow their faith? Well, St. Valentinus knew the secret, and that was why he was ready to die in an instant for his faith.

The secret is simple - finding your self-worth in Christ. Understanding how much He loves you - how much He sacrificed for you. Try to imagine being passionately loved... the most wildly passionate love you have ever dreamed of. Now realize that this is how God loves you. You are worth everything to Him and He demonstrated that when He hung on the cross and gave you everything He had to give. You are the one He wants and He pursues you at every moment of the day. He wants to give you the love, peace and happiness you've been waiting for.

God created us with one purpose - to be with Him in heaven. Until that day, our lives are spent seeking that happiness. The secret to being happy on earth is looking to God for that fulfillment, not looking to find it in others. Part of the reason why people date, marry, divorce, and start all over again is because they are searching for the fulfillment, peace and happiness that only Christ can bring us. This is not to say that dating and marriage are bad - no, on the contrary - but when our spouses fail us we should remember that they are imperfect humans, just as we are, and they cannot fulfill us in the way God's love can. Valentinus was happy to die because he knew the love of Christ and being with Him in heaven was worth far more than anything the world could offer him. And it still holds true today. Nothing we can get here on earth - not valentines, not roses, not chocolates, not relationships - can match the love and generosity of God.

So this Valentine's Day, focus on God's love for you. Take some time, preferably in the morning when it's quiet, and sit with God. Ask Him to help you find your strength and self-worth in His love. Ask Him to increase your faith! Share with Him all your worries, hurts, concerns and hopes. He loves you and he will bless you for it!

Lisa Duffy is the author of "Divorced. Catholic. Now What?" Find out more about her at www.divorcedcatholic.com.

Does your divorce make you feel "out of control"? That feeling is something everyone struggles with at one time or another. It is true, there is much that we cannot control, but with God's grace, we can choose to control ourselves. A discerning focus on our own thoughts and behavior can give us a sense of empowerment in situations that, at first glance, may seem unmanageable. No one is perfect, but working to find that best self - even on a hard day - is a worthy effort. It may be a reasonable goal for a difficult year ahead.

Living a life that reflects habits of moral goodness gives us a sense that we are worthy human beings. While we may feel that those who commit immoral acts deserve to be punished, punitive aggression is rarely helpful and most often wrong. Even in an unjust situation, we are always responsible for our own behavior.

How we suffer is an essential statement of who we are. The way that we react to tragedy is to some extent a choice. If we think hateful, angry thoughts we will surely feel angry and hateful. Even though anger can often be understood in the context of the wrong that we may have endured, responding in a tit for tat manner is not the right thing to do. It will compromise our better self, not to mention the poor role modeling for others, especially our children.

The way that we think and feel impacts the way that we behave. Choosing to control what we allow ourselves to think can greatly relieve emotional angst and give us empowerment over our own reactions. It is a good feeling to look back and know that we have handled a treacherous life situation in a kind and compassionate manner. This is not to say that being assertive is not important. Healthy people have boundaries. Keeping the focus on our own behavior is often very hard, but it gives us the ability to choose an exemplary response to hurtfulness.

Father Adam Ozimwk, Parochial Vicar of All Saints Catholic Church in Roswell, GA, recently suggested that forgiving someone who unjustly hurts us is like becoming a star that shines love and peace into a dark world. It means deliberately choosing to take the focus away from injury and hurt, away from the disappointment, loss and humiliation of divorce. It involves a heroic effort to pick oneself up, brush oneself off, and make best effort over and over again. We can only do that with God's help.

To live in compassionate and respectful self-relationship usually results in a greater sense of personal happiness and peace. Establishing daily habits that nourish our spiritual, physical and emotional self helps us to bring that best self to each day. Who feels their most loving when they are exhausted, stressed and have neglected basic life habits that support a healthy body, mind and spirit? It is as we pray in mass, "Keep me from all fear and anxiety, and give me peace in my day." The people around us will sense the kindness and peace that we bring to our day. Of course this is easily said, but frequently hard to implement into the routine of our lives. As we think, how we live, these habits become who we are. It isn't so important what someone else does. It matters what you think and do.

As Pope John Paul II said: "Human acts are moral acts because they express and determine the goodness or evil of the individual who performs them. They do not produce a change merely in the state of affairs outside of man but, to the extent that they are deliberate choices, they give moral definition to the very person who performs them, determining his profound spiritual traits" (Veritatis Splendor) Let us resolve this year to choose the self that God intended us to be.

Dr. Linda Klaitz, Psychologist/Psychopharmacologist writes from Atlanta, GA. You can reach her at www.drlindaklaitz.com.

Q: Dear Deacon Mike - I was raised Catholic and was married in the Church in 1986. My wife divorced me in 1992 and then I married another woman who was not Catholic. I did not go through the annulment process because I thought the divorce process was painful enough. I have still attended mass all these years. I have not taken communion because I know I am not allowed. But I love my faith and that's why I've kept going. Recently, my wife and I feel we would like to come back to the Catholic Church. Is this going to be a difficult process? - Phillip, Tempe, AZ

A: Dear Phillip - First, let me applaud you for remaining steadfast in your faith and being faithful to attending Mass. What a great example you set for others in respecting your Faith. It is through our participation at Mass that we also receive Jesus in His Word and through His community. Let me also encourage you to move forward with the annulment process. Each diocese has its own procedures, so certainly you should consult with a priest or deacon in your own parish who can advise you properly on how to proceed. In general, the annulment process is not a speedy one - primarily because the Tribunal takes great care in gathering information about the couple and examining the details so they can make the correct determination. Since each couple's situation is unique, it would be impossible to say how easy or long any one case might take. The best way to help the process be as smooth as possible is to be open and cooperative. Many cases are slowed down because the petitioner fails to follow-through with their own paperwork. Hopefully, through God's grace, you will be restored to full communion with the Church in the near future where you will be free to receive our Lord in the precious gift of the Eucharist.

Q: Dear Deacon Mike - I am a single mother of two teenage girls. My husband left us over six years ago and I have done the best I could to raise my daughters. However, I am ashamed of my failed marriage and feel like I'm a poor example for my girls. I feel as though people at church look down on me because I am divorced. My head tells me I'm wrong about this, but in my heart, it's hard to accept. I feel like God is ashamed of me, too, and it causes me great pain. Is God disappointed in me because I am divorced? I would like to believe he is not. - Ann, Atlanta, GA

A: Dear Ann - Scripture certainly tells us that God is displeased with divorce itself as this is not part of His design as to how we should live our lives as His children. However, that displeasure does not extend automatically to those who, through no fault of their own, find themselves in the misfortune of having suffered through a divorce. In fact, it is during this painful part of your life that He desires very much for you to draw closer to Him and allow yourself to be healed by Him. I encourage all who have children and have gone through a divorce to be the best parent that they can be. This requires a great deal of honesty on your part, and although I don't recommend that you share all the details of your circumstances with your children, it is certainly advisable to let them know how you feel. Just as God will not be ashamed of us as long as we continue to try to give our heart to Him, neither will your children be ashamed of you so long as they have a piece of your heart also. As for what other people may think, that matters not when we are in right relationship with God and those who love us the most.

Deacon Mike writes from St. John Neumann Church in Lilburn, GA where he has been a deacon for 4 years. You can submit your questions to him at askdeaconmike@divorcedcatholic.com.

Professional counseling is such an important part of healing from divorce, but sometimes it seems finding the right therapist is difficult. What are the important factors in finding the right person to trust your most personal details with?

To some, it's important to see a man, others, a woman. In that decision alone, it comes down to who you think will identify with you the most, or who you can relate to better. But beyond that, you need someone who not only understands your value system, but who also understands your faith perspective. The ramifications of divorce for a Catholic make it imperative to get advice from someone who won't tell you to simply go out, date and forget about your ex-spouse.

Catholictherapist.com gives you access to therapists in your area that fit this description. Here is a quote from their website: "The primary objective of CatholicTherapists.com is to provide referrals to qualified psychotherapists and mental health professionals who are faithful to the magisterium of the Roman Catholic church and who integrate the truths of the faith in the therapeutic process. In addition, CatholicTherapists.com provides relevant information on various topics related to mental and emotional health. There are articles, book reviews and recommendations and a calendar of events that are of interest to the mental health community as well as to those seeking emotional support and education."