Your Mental Health Nugget
Infidelity: Shattered By Betrayal
Affairs occur in relationships that are seemingly healthy as well as in ones that are in trouble. There are many reasons why someone is unfaithful. Many of
those reasons have nothing to do with whether or not the cheater loves his or her spouse or partner. The good news is that most marriages do survive infidelity and many marriages become stronger if the couple will commit to strengthening their relationship and addressing the source of the problem that lead to the infidelity.
Reasons Why Individuals Are Unfaithful:
There are a variety of reasons why individuals are unfaithful to their spouses or partners. These include:
- Anxiety arising from some type of family transition. These transitions can be many, including job losses or promotions, children leaving home, the birth of a child or grandchild, or the death of a loved one. While the mid-life crisis is almost stereotypical, it is probably the most common transitional period.
- The spouse's or partner's need for attention outside the marriage or relationship.
- Unfulfilled expectations of the marriage or relationship.
- Boredom about the marriage or relationship
- Lack of sexual desire from one or both of the couple
- Fear of emotional intimacy in the relationship
- Multiple affairs that may indicate a sexual addiction. In these instances, the individual is driven by the need for excitement and passion provided in a new relationship.
It's unknown to what extent adultery is a multi-generational problem. However, many couples who enter marital therapy after an affair divulge their parents' and even grandparents' histories of infidelity. This leads to the question of whether adultery is a learned behavioral pattern that is acted out into the next generation.
Emotional Reaction To Infidelity:
The initial emotional response for many individuals to learning their spouse or partner has been unfaithful is one of either anger/rage or denial. Soon thereafter, a myriad of other emotions begin to rise to the surface as well. These may include: feelings of betrayal, fear, jealousy, shame, paranoia, uncertainty, guilt, loss of hope and vengefulness. A common response of the injured spouse is the belief that "something must be wrong with me" or the sex is better with her or him.
Other common reactions to learning of infidelity are the loss of trust in the spouse, obsessively thinking about the details of the affairs and looking for further signs of betrayal. Depression can be a common reaction for both the injured spouse and the unfaithful spouse once the affair has been disclosed. After the disclosure of the affair, the couple needs to address whether there is a desire to rebuild their marriage or whether they wish to work toward separating in a constructive manner. It's not unusual for one or both of the couple to initially be ambivalent about continuing in the marriage. Marriage counseling to work through these issues is strongly recommended. Therapy can assist in the process of healing and recovery for both individuals, regardless of the outcome of the marriage.
An excellent resource on the topic of infidelity is How to Survive an Affair: A Step-by-Step System for Saving YourRelationship After It's Been Shattered By an Affair by Dr.Frank Gunzburg. Dr. Gunzburg teaches a system for restoring a marriage that has been ripped apart by an affair. He outlines the three specific phases for restoring the trust back into a torn relationship. To learn more about his program,click on:
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Quotes To Ponder:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin, 1903-1977
No matter how much pressure you feel at work, if you could find ways to relax for at least five minutes every hour, you'd be more productive. - Dr. Joyce Brothers, 1928-present
The truth is that there is nothing noble in being superior to somebody else. The only real nobility is in being superior to your former self. - Whitney Young, 1921-1971
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