Healthy Reflections Newsletter
Publisher
(850) 656-1404
October 7, 2009 email: info@mentalhealthcorner.com
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Greetings!
This edition of Healthy Reflections addresses the issue of step-parenting. Blending two families requires commitment and patience (as well as a good dose of humor at times!) As always, I'd love to hear your feedback on the topic at info@mentalhealthcorner.com.
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Your Mental Health Nugget
Tips For Becoming An Effective Step-Parent
It's challenging beoming a step-parent for the first time.
Almost half of all marriages are now ending in divorce and two thirds of remarriages involve children from prior marriages. So, it is likely that your future partner will be divorced with one or more children. If this is the case, there are many possible domestic arrangements for the children. For example, they may reside with one parent but the other parent may have access every week or on Sundays. Or they may stay only during school holidays, only for special occasions such as family birthdays or maybe alternate between parental homes for a few days each week. Whatever the arrangement, as a step-parent, you will have contact with the children and become part of their lives. Several common issues tend to arise when you assume the role of "step-parent."
1. I love my partner but not the children!
You love your partner but love for the step-children isn't switched on automatically, so don't feel guilty. It's not a case of 'Love me, love my children.' Demonstrate to your partner and the children that you are fundamentally respectful toward them. Don't expect yourself to immediately bond with your spouse's children. Your love and interest in them will likely develop, but it often takes time.
2. The children won't talk to me!
Children are frequently cautious about trusting their parent's new partner. When expressing their own anxiety, they may ignore you, be demanding or jealous of the time you spend together. Children need to feel comfortable with you and believe in the commitment of the new relationship. Trust may come slowly as well as the willingness to invite you into their lives. Remember that his or her children have experienced the breakup of their family unit and witnessed a parent moving out. They may have also previously trusted and liked their parent's previous short-term partners, only to be disappointed and experience more loss when those relationships ended. Their caution is their way of not getting hurt.
3. Am I expected to discipline?
This needs careful discussion with your partner. Discipline is typically set by the parent. However, you will need to be consistent in your expectations and manner and be seen to support your partner. This will also help your step-child or step-children to understand boundaries and feel safe. There will be occasions when you disagree with your partner's way of handling discipline or child management. It's important to present a united front with his or her children and to discuss any disagreements away from the kids. Inconsistency and disharmony between you and your spouse can undermine the relationship you are establishing with the children.
4. Do I have to deal the ex?
Contact with your partner's ex is a likely event. However you feel about her or him, try to remain dignified and calm. There is often the need to coordinate with your partner's ex about child concerns. Mixed with this can be an excess of emotions from the ex, who may negatively demonstrate his or her sense of loss, anger or sense of failure over the failed marriage. Gatherings with extended family members can also be tense, but keep persevering and make an effort to positively engage with your partner's family members. On the other hand, you may be fortunate and find that everyone is delighted that you are now on the scene.
5. Is step-parenting forever?
Like parenting, step-parenting is forever. You may think that it is over once your step-child reaches young adulthood and in one sense the hands-on demands do become less. Hopefully after years of step-parenting, enough trust and confidence has been built that your step-child will seek your advice regarding important decisions in his or her life. In the future, you may also become a step-grandparent. But by then, you will be experienced enough to take this in stride.
As with anything we do, the more effort we put into something, the more satisfaction we gain. It is the same with step-parenting. There are often no thanks for the extra challenges, but step-children do become part of your life and extended family. Becoming a step-parent is not easy, but a successful life partnership with a ready-made family is definitely possible. ----------------------------------------------------------
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Quotes To Ponder:
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done. - Dwight D. Eisenhower, Former U.S. President
Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret. - Laurence J. Peter, Author
Don't find fault, find a remedy. - Henry Ford, Founder of Ford Motor Company ---------------------------------------------------------------
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