There are all types of relationships in our lives ---family, friends, colleagues and, of course, romantic relationships. These interactions can be either emotionally healthy or unhealthy for us. Below are some indicators when we're attempting to determine whether our contact with an individual is emotionally safe or emotionally unsafe. None of us is perfect ---there will be times when each of us will occasionally exhibit a behavior in the "unsafe" category. However, we might want to take a second look at a relationship we are involved in when the other exhibits an ongoing pattern of "unsafe" behaviors.
Safe: Feelings are accepted and appropriately expressed.
Unsafe: Feelings are not accepted and either not expressed or expressed inappropriately.
Safe: He or she listens to you and hears you.
Unsafe: He or she doesn't listen to you and/or attempts to block important discussions.
Safe: He or she is clear in communicating.
Unsafe: His or her communication is unclear or inconsistent.
Safe: She or he has clear and appropriate boundaries.
Unsafe: She or he exhibits unclear boundaries or mixed messages.
Safe: He or she is supportive in the relationship.
Unsafe: He or she tends toward being competitive rather than supportive.
Safe: She or he is generally consistent and predictable in her or his behavior.
Unsafe: She or he exhibits inconsistent, arbitrary or unpredictable behavior.
Safe: He or she is direct and honest in communicating anger or frustration.
Unsafe: He or she uses insults, belittling comments, intimidation, ridicule or sarcasm.
Safe: She or he is respectful of others' opinions or actions even when they differ from his or her own.
Unsafe: She or he ignores your opinions or acts sulky or angry when you initiate an action or idea.
Safe: He or she shares influence and power in the relationship.
Unsafe: He or she tries to control elements of your life or your relationship.
Safe: She or he generally is not jealous or is able to "own" jealousy as a personal issue.
Unsafe: She or he gets jealous when there's no reason.
Safe: He or she views you as an equal with valuable contributions or assets brought to the relationship.
Unsafe: He or she doesn't view you as an equal, either because he or she is older, sees himself/herself as smarter or socially superior.
Safe: She or he is respectful of others' need for privacy or "space".
Unsafe: She or he is intrusive and controlling of others; often acts in an intimidating way.
Compilation from: "A Gift To Myself" by Charles Whitfield, M.D. and "I Never Called It Rape" by Robin Warshaw.
Healthy
