| Quotes of the Month
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"Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate."
- Sandra Boynton
"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart."
- Erma Bombeck
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."
- Rita Rudner
I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
- Charles Swartz
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Hear ye, Hear ye - Listening to us, you get the IIF Funcast!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joke Time
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Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
***
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began pestering
him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
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Halloween Risk Management Tips
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When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house - move immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are a female. Even though you may be faster than the monster, you can be sure that it WILL catch you.
If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, RUN!!!!
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Meskatonic University, Camp Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, Illinois, one gas station desert towns or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
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Dingbats and Dillweeds: Because Everyone Loves an Idiot!
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A Miner Tale, in Three Major Acts.
Act 1: First came the mine, now comes the shaft.
A day after emerging from a hell hole, two-timing Chilean miner Johnny Barrios found hell on Earth as his jilted wife called him "crazy and cocky" and refused to visit him in the hospital. Marta Salinas, 56, said she has no plans to see her philandering husband of 28 years and that she does not regret not joining his mistress in greeting him when he emerged from the bowels of Earth. Salinas learned of Barrios' mistress Susana Valenzuela, 52, while he was trapped in the San Jose gold and copper mine with 32 other miners for 70 days. "If he wants to see me or talk to me he can come find me," Salinas told the Daily Mail of London at the time. "Otherwise we can talk through our lawyers."Act 2: You knew he was out of his mine; or, In the wisdom of Dear Abby, "Honey, if he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you!"The married Don Juan of the trapped Chilean miners dug himself into a deeper hole when it was revealed that he had not one, but two mistresses.
Susana Valenzuela, Johnny Barrios' mistress who greeted him after his rescue on Wednesday, reportedly said her man was also romancing a 25-year-old woman. But Valenzuela, 52, squashed the relationship between Barrios and the younger woman.
When the younger paramour visited him at the hospital treating the rescued miners, Valenzuela barred her entry, according to Colombia radio station La FM.
Act 3: Yours, Mine and Ours; or, to paraphrase the Princess Bride, "I do not think those words mean what you think they mean."
"He is my Yonny Barrios, mine and no one else's," Valenzuela told the station.
***
If this approach catches on in the US, it will be the death knell for political focus groups, high paid campaign consultants and millions of dollars in advertising.
Voters in Sao Paulo, Brazil's largest state, elected to Congress an illiterate clown who ran on the platform "It can't get any worse."
It was perfectly innocent, your honor. They were the witches of Eastwick, and I was Jack Nicholson.
A California police officer responded to a late night noise complaint, found three women drinking in a backyard pool, and allegedly unhooked his gun belt, got naked and jumped into the water. He has been placed on administrative leave.
Sources: The Week, New York Daily News
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Is your brand cramped? Try Brand Camp!
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Austin here we come!In just one week, insurance brands will be transformed. We all thank you for your interest in Brand Camp and your willingness to take part in the insurance industry's only hands-on, insurance-specific brand conference. We hope it will pay off for you and your brand.What we think makes Brand Camp better and different is simple: You, and your willingness to try new things, ask questions, share your knowledge, put your challenges out there for others to help with, and work to make your brand better. Make your brand better: Get to Brand Camp, the only industry conference designed and built exclusively for insurance brand decision-makers like you.Whether you're with an insurance carrier, trade association, independent insurance agency, wholesaler or insurance distribution firm, third-party administration firm, or technology firm/service provider, Brand Camp is a unique opportunity to work on your brand hands-on in an interactive, supportive environment.
For more information, including the agenda, a brochure and how to register, click
that link!
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Diamond in the Coal: IIF Web Site of the Month
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With all this endless discussion of "web 2.0" branding, advertising, social networking, adding video to your web site and going viral, perhaps we should return to ancient wisdom and simply steal from, er, learn from the best. And in the last year, no one has done all of the above better than the Old Spice Man!
Mashable.com has assembled ten of his best internet shorts, along with links to the original tv ads. Absorb his moves, study his abs or just laugh out loud, the sheer brilliance of this ad campaign offers a plethora of lessons to us all. Young Padawans, learn from the master!
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Product Deal of the Month: No Tricks, Just Treats!
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You know what's really scary, kids? The horror of going through an insurance day without your daily dose of IIFdom! Turn your nightmare workplace into one big party zone with official IIF treats for all!
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Picture of the Month: Reason to buy the Waiver #4
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"Okay, you've parked it right outside, returned it with a full tank of gas. Guess we're all set, so here's your receipt. Wait a minute, what do you mean the air bag worked great?"
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